I'm in denial.

I refuse to believe I ovulated. I’ve been charting since December of 2007 and never seen a clear temperature shift. I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. There’s no sign of AF, so I’m preparing myself for many many more temps in this range and a BFN. Maybe with the cold weather we’ve been getting, my temps are just high for some reason. I’m in denial.

My chart which reflects 9dpo (9 days post ovulation): I must start to prepare for a new cycle though. IF AF arrives I’m actually hoping for a long, heavy, miserable cycle. My uterus hasn’t shed it’s lining in a very very long time, probably over 9 months or so. It must do so to support a viable pregnancy. My friend was complaining to me the other day because she had to go to the grocery store to buy tampons. Do you know how much I WANT to do that!?!? Strange, huh?

Then there’s the question of whether or not we will try Clomid to induce ovulation. I’m aware that I do not ovulate on my own. Unless my body has decided that it will continue to work properly in all future cycles, I’ll probably need assistance to ovulate in the future. I have a Rx (prescription) for Clomid, but I’m uneasy about taking it. Then again, I don’t want to find myself within another 100+ day cycle. I would feel trapped.

Another alternative is the herbal equivalent of Clomid, Soy Isoflavones. I'll probably try it before jumping to any prescription meds. I rescheduled my doctor's appointment till after the new year, so if I do have another long cycle I'll be able to go in and get that rectified in January. Crossing my fingers...

HOLY MOLY!! Did I really O?

I don’t have much time today to blog, so I’ll make this quick….. but HOLY MOLY did I freakin O???? Here's my chart. I’ve had five days of consecutive high temps above the coverline. They are pretty close to the coverline, but darn it, I could care less at this point! Did I finally O? I’m not convinced and/or jumping for joy at this point in time.

Here's why I'm not convinced.
1. My allergies were really bad on Monday. I felt like I was getting sick. I felt much better on Tuesday but still had a sore throat through Wednesday.
2. I had 2 beers on Wednesday night while out to dinner with my sister and her family. Grrrrrr, how come I have no will power?

On the other hand, I'm still holding onto hope and here's why:
1. On Saturday I felt a small tiny "pop" like a rubber band snapped on my left side. I was also having a ton of EWCM. On Sunday, my usual left side feeling was gone, but it still felt sore or bruised.
2. Beer (especially light beer) doesn't really effect my temp that much, if at all. If I did O, I won't be convinced until AF arrives in a few days.

We didn't BD on or before my possible O, so no chance of a BFP (big fat positive/positive pg test) this cycle. I’m totally ok with that, because I’ve read that with a long cycle like this, the egg is overly mature and a bad egg for conception.

I’ve had consecutive high temps before, so it’s hard for me to convince myself that I did indeed O. I guess I’ll find out in a few days.

What the heck is charting??

Since some of you who read my blog are unfamiliar with charting, I’ve decided to blog a little bit about what exactly charting entails. Hopefully after this explanation you’ll have a better idea of what I have to do on a daily basis to watch for my fertile phase. And to my charting experts, please let me know if I get any of this wrong. :)

In March of this year, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF) by Toni Weschler, MPH. It’s one of the most informative pieces of information I’ve ever read. I recommend every woman (young and younger) read this book. It comprises of very valuable information for adolescents, those who wish to conceive, those who wish to avoid, and those who are reaching and experiencing menopause (basically all women alive).

Here’s a quote from Toni that I encourage you to read (Just the second and third paragraphs): http://www.ovusoft.com/library/tonimessage.asp

Every morning I wake up at the same time (for me, it’s 7 am), even if I intend to go back to sleep. I immediately take my BBT (basal body temperature a.k.a. waking temperature). I do not get up to go to the bathroom first. I simply lay there and wait for the beep! I chart those temps on a daily basis and input them into my online software. An increase in your temp, followed up three consecutive increased temps in the same range (above the coverline) would usually mean ovulation. Then the LP (luteal phase) begins. If your temp stays above the coverline for the 18 consecutive days, this usually means pregnancy. If your temp suddenly decreases within your LP, AF is sure to arrive soon.

There are a few other details I monitor along with my waking temp. I won’t go into details but I also check my CM (cervical mucus) and CP (cervical position). With ovulation my temp should increase, I should experience EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) and my CP should be high, soft, and open.

Here is a “textbook” chart:
And here’s an annov chart – this is what I’ve been seeing since I started charting which indicates no O:

Who is she?

I’ll call her T for sake of privacy, even though you can see her picture – hah!

The reason we were separated years ago doesn’t matter and will not be acknowledged here in my blog. We didn’t ignore it, we both agreed it was a mistake and shouldn’t have happened. Now we pick up where we left off and move on.

T was my friend. T was my bestfriend. T became my sister. Even though we both had sisters (blood related), this was different. We could tell each other everything. There was no walking on eggshells with each other. We told it how it was and we supported each other. We would stay up late, sometimes till 2 or 3 am, and just talk. Sometimes we would cry, but no matter what, we always listened to each other.

T taught me the most important and most valuable pieces of my marriage – communication. She witnessed numerous days and nights of fighting between my then, fiancé and I. She would tell me time and time again. “You both need to learn how to communicate to each other.” and “You need to compromise.” It was those words that I have allowed my husband and I have such a successful marriage to this day.

T’s marriage failed soon after we lost touch. J and I saw the early stages of it falling apart. To date T has found another man and she tells me she is so happy – and I believe her! She’s getting married in 2009!

She put so much into my future marriage and now all of it is coming back into her’s (the quote).

T was really upset when we spoke on the telephone. She was looking at our wedding pictures online and a few recent pictures as well. She was upset that she wasn’t there for us. (She was supposed to be my Matron of Honor.) She said she should have been there. I told her it was ok. If I had to choose whether she was at my wedding or with me through this horrible time dealing with infertility, I’d chose NOW.

I want to travel back home to visit her and give her the biggest hug ever, but J’s school and my work make it very hard to make a trip right now. So we’re planning on making it down for New Years. A new year to start a new family, a new friendship, and a new marriage!

The emptiness in my heart

I started blogging recently to have a place to leave my feelings and thoughts, and, most importantly, to help me through this horrible world of infertility I’m stuck in. But blogging today will be extremely difficult. It’s hard to put into words how I’m feeling today, but I’ll do my absolute best.

In all seriousness, I’m writing this from work (my part time retail job), because when you need to blog and you have no access to the internet, words by pen and paper is the next best thing.

As I finished writing my last sentence a coworker of mine walked up to me and started to tell me a story about a couple who turned over $400K to the authorities after witnessing an attempted drug deal. Turns out the authorities gave the $400K to the couple after never finding the bank/owners of the money. My coworker ended up telling me he’s a firm believer in the following quote:

All that you put into the lives of others will come back into your own.

WOW! Here I am having trouble with blogging my feelings and BAM this quote says it all!

Within the last few months I started to feel like something in my life was missing. Was it my own child? I didn’t think so. Was something missing within my marriage? I didn’t thinks so. Well WTF was it? I had a sense of what it was but I ignored it. How come this would be coming to surface after four long years. How could the absence of one person affect me so greatly after all of this time? After a couple of months of denying this I started to become very angry about it and started to write a letter to this person. It took me about 3 days and numerous drafts to perfect my message. Now the next difficult part for me was sending it. I stared at the “Send” button for over 10 mins. I just couldn’t hit the button. I was afraid of her response. Afraid of rejection. Afraid to hear she had another best friend and our friendship was easily replacable or duplicated.

Finally, I closed my eyes and hit the button. Then I began the grueling wait to receive a response.

After two long days my response arrived. Following only a short telephone conversation (one hour is short for us) my heart instantly felt healed as she cried and expressed how happy she was to reconnect with me. Wow, that’s all – a telephone conversation? Yes, that's all it took for two sisters who were abruptly and mistakenly separated for 4 long years to be reunited and whole
again....

I promise to blog tomorrow about who she is and why she fills such a huge empty space in my heart. And how the above quote applies to all of this.

CD 111.....that can’t be good.

I actually temped this morning. It was at my normal range, no surprise. When I inputted my temp into my chart, I saw that today is CD 111. That just can’t be a good thing. It makes me want to cuss out load.

I did more reading last night about Vitamin B6. It helps lengthen the (LP) luteal phase, helps with PMS, and lastly and most importantly for me, to normalize hormone levels. Since I do not O I know nothing about my LP. But taking it can’t hurt anything (I hope!). I also read that it should be taken with a B-complex as well for better absorption.

So I went out and bought my first two bottles of each. Spent a total of $16 and that will last me 200 days. That’s only 8 cents a day! Wahoo!!! They were tiny tablets or at least smaller than the Vitex and PNV (Prenatal Vitamins) I’ve been taking. I decided to continue to take the Vitex but reduced it back down to 800 mg.

I’m undecided about going to the doctor in December, for many reasons (new health insurance brings preexisting conditions, money for the holidays, stress on top of more stress, etc. etc.). I’m feeling like the New Year will be a new start. It’s only a little over 6 weeks away.....but will I be able to wait that long?

Which concoction do I try next?

I hate to think of my attempts as “concoctions”. Makes me feel like a witch! I’ve been on the Vitex for a little over 3 months. I’ve started feeling what I think are O pains, but I’m not entirely too sure.

I’ve done some reading about vitamin B6. It can also regulate your hormones and assists/lengthens the LP (luteal phase). Many women take Vitex and B6 together, so here I am wondering if the Vitex alone is ever gonna work for me. Sometimes it can take up to 6 months to work, but I’m being very impatient at only 3 months. Should I try the B6 with the Vitex for the next 3 months and see what happens?

Or what if I happen to get AF and a new cycle starts? Will I give Clomid a try? If so, I’ll need to stop the Vitex because they are not recommended to be taken together. AND do I need to stop the Vitex early to allow it to get out of my system. Ugh, so many decisions to make.
I’ve totally been slacking on the temping in the mornings. I just feel like it’s pointless, because I’m not O’ing. And if I do O, from what I read, it would be an overly matured egg (bad egg for conception). I wish AF would just hurry it up.

It's so hard to tell people we're trying...

Telling people is so hard. Why is it so hard? Maybe because it seems like we’re the only ones who still haven’t become pregnant. It seems that way because everyday when I’m at work I see PG women all around bringing in their crib bedding to match the colors for paint. Or PG women, big and “so cute baby bump” small come through my line. It seems like everyone around me is experiencing pregnancy except me. I actually looked at a small child today (probably 12 – 18 months old) and had a pain in my stomach while thinking “I want that.” It was literally painful to feel the lump in my abdomen.

We haven’t told too many people we’re trying to try. Only our closest friends and a few others who we trust with the news. I’ve shared my blog with the ladies who are experiencing the same pains on my favorite online forum.

I’m terrified to share our troubles with my MIL (mother in law). She wants a grand baby so incredibly bad. I’m afraid if I shared this news with her she’d feel the same pain in her gut as I do, maybe 10 times worse.

Someday everyone will know and hopefully then I’ll be ready for the rush of questions.

Running a 10K

Within our TTC efforts we’ve vowed to become healthy and live a healthy lifestyle! This means I must lose the extra weight! I’ve lost 20 pounds and I’m ready to lose 20 more and hopefully a little more before becoming PG!

My husband, J, used to run in Austin’s Capitol 10,000 every year. To this day, I always wonder why he stopped running in it when we started dating. He talks about running in it all of the time, so finally I put my foot down and said “We are running the 10K in March 2009!” ...... So we’ve started to train!!

To date we have walked/run 25.7 miles! We are currently walk/running 3.7 miles each day! J says we should start running 5Ks, but I don’t think I’m 100% ready for that. We’ve only been training for one week and I’ve never been a good runner. I was a dancer in high school and it was highly discouraged to run! It was bad on our joints and lengthening our muscles. I can barely run a quarter of a mile before I need to stop and walk – being 185 pounds doesn’t help either!

So here we are training for a 10K! I’m trying not to let TTC rule my life. I’d like to be PG by March 2009, but I’m going to train for this 10K like I won’t be PG by then, in turn, I’ll become more healthy. So it’s a win win situation, I suppose!

Trying to try.......naturally.

When my doctor first prescribed Clomid I was extremely discouraged. I’ve read about Clomid and the fact that a drug will “over-stimulate” the ovaries, just doesn’t sound natural to me. I didn’t want to make my body do anything it wasn’t designed to do naturally.

I obviously have a hormone imbalance. After stopping BC, some women’s cycles do not regulate for 6 months. I took BC for nearly 10 years. That’s a long time!

After many hours of continuous research on my symptoms, I suspect I am estrogen dominant and could have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was also researching different herbs and other natural alternatives to prescription drugs. I came across a lot of very interesting and what seemed to be promising information. I’ve been taking an herb called Vitex (also known as Chasteberry). I won’t bore you with the details, but in summary it regulates your hormones. You can read more about it here if you feel inclined.

Sometimes Vitex can take 3 – 6 months to build up in your system and experience results. I’ve been taking it for 3 months now. I’m optimistic it will work for me, but waiting for something to happen is very hard to do.

I’ve also been eating better, exercising and trying to lose weight. Being overweight could cause a hormone imbalance as well. It can also cause many many high risks during pregnancy. At my heaviest I was 205. At this time I’m down to 185. Trying so so hard to get down to 145!

A meet Infertility, Infertility meet A

That’s a word I never thought I’d encounter. My mother had no problem getting pregnant. As far as I know, neither did my sisters. Both have two kids each. The reality though is that they were finished having kids by my current age, so it’s difficult to compare.

“Infertility is the failure of a couple to conceive after trying to do so for at least one full year.” ...from answers.com

Again, there’s the word “trying”. It’s hard to admit that I may be dealing with infertility. However, it’s the reality when I look back at my chart for the past 11 months and I see no clear temp shift (indicates ovulation) – not once.

TMI (too much information) warning.... I started to experience irregular bleeding. Spotting and heavy bleeding at the most intimate of times. I wasn't even sure if my last two periods were indeed periods, because they were so light and only 1 -3 days in length. I knew something had to be wrong. So we went to the dr with my laundry list of issues. First and foremost, they did my well women exam and pap smear. Everything was good. BW (blood work) was done. All good except a slightly high blood sugar. I was given Prometrium (most natural form of Progesterone, according to the dr) and took it for 10 days. This would allow AF to arrive and then with the next cycle we would start Clomid (to induce ovulation).

After 10 days, AF must have been visiting someone else, because she never showed up to the party. I was then ordered to take another 10 days. Again, she was on vacation at the beach, because she still hasn’t showed up as of today. I’m currently on CD (cycle day) 102 and waiting on a phone call from my drs office to see what’s next.

I don’t have health insurance right now, so office visits, blood work, and ultrasounds can be expensive, so I’m hoping they’ll work with me on the cost. I have a visit at a new office scheduled in early December. I’ll be able to get a second opinion and hopefully I’ll like this new office better than my current horrible one.

So here we are, charting and waiting for something to happen.

We're trying to try...

People always ask us if we’re “trying”. My answer is never “YES”. Probably because I’ve never felt like we were actually “trying”. There have been no timed BD (baby dance) sessions because we felt it was “time” (the time during your cycle when you BD to conceive). Well the truth is I’ve never experienced that time.

Rewind..... Last November when we moved it was time for me to go in for my yearly well woman exam. They would not give me another Rx (prescription) for my BCP (birth control pill), until I came in for my pap smear and exam, so I put it off. I started to chart my BBT (basal body temperature) to see if I could tell when I O’d (ovulated) and to make sure everything was working properly. This is known as FAM (Fertility Awareness Method). I wasn’t worried of becoming pregnant. If it happened, it happened, we would be happy, but it really wasn’t a time when we were actively “trying”.

So I charted off and on for a couple of months. I continued to get AF (Aunt Flo, a.k.a. my period) every 30 days or so, so I was happy and had no cause for concern. Honestly, charting wasn’t my first priority. I ended up skipping a month or two and just waiting for AF to arrive, and she would.

Then everything changed. J and I were having one of our usual dinners out one evening and talking about his upcoming birthday plans. He explained that he felt “old” and he said THE WORDS. “I think I’m ready to have kids.” I can’t believe these words actually came out of his mouth. Was I hearing this correctly?

We always knew we would have kids someday, but I guess it was just always understood that it would be down the road. I guess we’ve trekked down the road far enough. We’ve traveled, we’ve started a business, we’ve built a solid foundation for a family, so why not, A? We continued to talk about it throughout the next couple of days and it soon became a reality. I informed J of my attempts at charting, but that I really wanted to read and research more about charting so that we could benefit from it completely.

So are we trying? No, we’re trying to try. Is it going well? No.

The Beginning and My Introduction

Today I start my blog. Why today? No particular reason. It’s just a regular Tuesday – the day we elect the first African American to president. I’ve actually been thinking of starting a blog for some time now, just never got around to it. I guess I was waiting for some miraculous event to occur to begin.

There’s alot going on within my right aligned mind and I need a place to leave my words, my feelings, my opinions, and all things not exactly centered. I will blog for me and no one else. You may read and disagree with me, and frankly, I don’t care. Again, I will blog for ME.

Who am I? I am A and I am 26 years old. My husband, J, and I have been married for 3 years and have been trying to conceive our first child for nearly one year. I will blog about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey often and hope to use my blog to update my readers on the current status. I am a business owner and work part time in retail in the evenings and weekends, all while supporting my husband who is a full time student. I am in no way centered, but strive to be as balanced as I possibly can be.