January 30, 2010

Personal Essay

My current assignment is a personal essay. We have to write about something we believe. It was extremely difficult to figure out what my topic would be, but I think I've got it hammered down - stay tuned! In the meantime, I just had to share this essay with all of my fellow infertiles and those of you who are going through or gone through adoption. Enjoy!

Click here for the audio version.

Becoming a Parent is a Gift

I no longer believe my wife and I are going to have a baby the old-fashioned way, but I no longer think this really matters. I believe in adoption now. Four months ago, the Chinese government accepted our dossier. In the next year or two, a little girl will be born and her parents will not want her. My wife and I will fly to China to meet this girl and bring her home with us.

When I was a teenager, everyone said becoming a parent was easy — so easy, I had to be careful not to do it accidentally. I guess it’s easy for a lot of other people, but not for me and my wife.

I’m 39. My wife is 31. For the last two years, I’ve watched this woman I love inject herself with needles full of hormone syrup. She got huge bruises on each side of her waist.

Our friends would bring their kids over to visit and we’d hang up their tiny coats, hoping some magic would rub off on our hands. When it didn’t, we started avoiding any place we’d see the one thing we wanted so desperately. Our own neighborhood became awkward. The woman across the street emerged in the spring with a giant belly. My wife and I stopped going to parks and matinees. Taking our clothes off became a medical procedure; we obeyed the calendar instead of each other’s eyes. I’d see young couples pushing strollers in the grocery store and I’d taste jealousy like pennies in my mouth. I used to believe that becoming a parent was part of our biology. It was something everyone could do. When I couldn’t make a baby, I felt a little less human.

I teach in a prison, a medium-security facility full of men. I help guys write letters when they ask. Most of the letters are to girlfriends and ex-wives. I don’t see long letters to children. I feel lost opportunity all around me. I can see that becoming a parent is much more than our biology.

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you. Now, I want my family to include a little girl who looks nothing like me or my wife. Someday I’ll lean across a table and cut this little girl’s green beans. I’ll meet her teachers. I’ll see her bicycle standing in the garage. I love the idea that this girl will grow up to be a woman and still look nothing like me, but whenever she hears the word “dad,” she’ll think of me.

People think we’re good or generous because we’re giving a home to an orphan, and giving her a family but the truth is she’ll be giving us a family. I believe in adoption because it will make me the man I want to be: a father.

Chris Huntington - Indianapolis, Indiana
As heard on NPR’s npr.org, June 17, 2007

January 28, 2010

Wow. Really? My chart.

Take a look at my chart. I'm not sure it's ever looked this good. I did nothing this cycle. Just relaxed, stress free (for the most part) and trying to do my best at enjoying life.

It looks impressive. I've been deceived many times in the past and it's hard to say the words "I Ovulated." So I'm taking it day by day. When will I be convinced? I dunno.

Dh is excited though. It's great to feel like we may have A CHANCE this cycle. I've never felt like I had "a chance" due to being annov.

January 19, 2010

School & Prayers

I started school today - college. Wow. I haven't been in college in 8 years! I've been dreading it, because "available time" is non-existent at the moment; however, today (of all days) I was actually giddy about it! I actually considered putting blogging off till tomorrow just so that I could do my school work, even though it's not even due till Monday! Hah! This is going to be a very interesting time in my life.

Prayers - It absolutely amazes me that people pray for dh and I and our journey of dealing with infertility. I am just so surprised to hear that someone prays for us daily. Wow. Picture my jaw hitting the ground ...and unable to pick it up. That's me.

If you pray for me, thank you!

January 14, 2010

Talking again.

If you walk down the hall at my office, you'll hear the most beautiful sound - a baby's heartbeat. Sometimes I have to make my legs keep walking because I want to stop and listen.

I really haven't wanted to bring it up, really, with everything going on. But I can't ignore "that feeling". I hate calling it "Baby Fever". Sounds so childish. So we're talking about it again.

I want to actively TTC, but I really should try to lose some weight, but I have absolutely no discipline whatsoever. I make excuses and don't try 100%. I just want it to happen on it's own. I don't want to have to work at it. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I don't know what it's gonna take - not getting a BFP - getting my ass into gear and realizing that this won't just happen on it's own. I NEED to make some changes for my health and my child's health. What is it gonna take, really? I dunno.

Sometimes I feel so motivated, then something happens and I fall. I don't know what it's gonna take to get back up... but I'm gonna try to figure it out.

January 8, 2010

The Gift

I've been a BAD blogger, I know. It's only representative of how life is going for me right now! I'm working 8 hour days again, then coming home and trying to spend another hour or two on my company, then dinner, then spending time with hubby, ... ugh. My days are officially overloaded!

Dh has taken over running my company! Thankfully, we're picking up and I'm so relieved! I will not quit my job, because I LOVE it. I love my company, but I'm really really loving what I "used to do" again. Although, today I came home irate. It wasn't anything having to do with my job. It was a patient.

Said patient delivered by c-section 4 weeks ago. For pain management she was prescribed pain meds. She has asked for the pain meds to be refilled TWICE in 4 weeks! Today she called to tell us that she was in the ER and they said she had a major pelvic infection. She came in to see the doctor today and asked for more drugs. The doctor told her he suspected abuse and he was not going to prescribe any more pain meds. He told her that if she was in that much pain, she need to be admitted to the hospital.

We saw her at the end of the day, so I won't know if she actually admitted herself into the hospital, but how can people like this exist? It just makes me so mad!!

She has no idea that being a mother is a gift! A gift that some people never ever receive, when it's the only thing they ever want.

To top it off, her first baby was born with some deformities. She gave that baby up for adoption. When she got PG with this baby, she said she'd do the same if it was born with deformities. UGH! I wanted to scream and cry!