Last day

I'm wearing my second to last device, right now, as I type!! My last device will be worn tonight and then I'm a free woman!! Wahoo!!

I have missed my freedom most. I work from home and I tend to take showers at all times during the day - mostly in the afternoon. With the device I've been required to take my showers around 7:30 in the morning and 7:30 at night.

I took my temp this morning and just as I suspected it has not risen, so I'm convinced that I have not responded to the investigational drug inside the device. That's ok. It was a trial and that was my attitude. I was not expecting it to work for me.

I have two more appointments left with my RE's office, as part of the study. One is on Friday and the last appointment is a week from Friday.

I'm still considering my options; however, I'm positive it will involve weight loss.

Adding an Option 4

Honestly, I totally forgot about this and it's probably because I had mostly discarded this option entirely. I didn't think I would consider this again - participating in the other research study.

After I submitted my initial blood work, I knew receiving my official acceptance into this study wouldn't arrive for another 6 or 7 weeks. It finally did arrive and I was officially acceptable and invited to participate.

This study doesn't involve TTC. The main objective is ovulation when combined with an investigational drug and weight loss. And the total amount of time involved is SIX months!

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last 24 hours and I've decided to add an Option 4. I'm very surprised that I'm considering this, but here's my thinking:

- I was leaning toward Option 3 (losing a considerable amount of weight) to see how my cycles would respond. Even if I couldn't restore ovulation after weight loss, perhaps, inexpensive treatments, like Clomid, would work for me (unlike now). Option 3 could take a while. I'm not a good dieter. It could very well take me 4-6 months. Not to mention allowing my cycle time to respond to the weight loss... so why not add Option 4?

- With Option 4, I'll be working with a nutritionist and put on a strict diet. I'm positive I will lose weight. Personally, I'll be disciplined and I predict I'll stick to it more so than if I were doing it on my own - especially during the holidays!

- If I were to chose any 6 months during the next year, I'd choose now! DH is applying to universities at the end of the year. Chances are we'll be moving again next Summer. All things involved (money, time, packing, traveling by plane/car/uhaul, possibly being PG, and more money), again, I'd choose now.

If I were to discard this option due to being unable to TTC, I'd be acting selfishly. My RE has told me that I'm perfectly "PCOS". I should be more than honored to contribute to studying and treating this Syndrome. As of today, there is NO cure for PCOS. There are only drugs to help manage the symptoms associated with PCOS.

Option 4 added.

2 ovaries = 2 failures

CD17 u/s revealed little change, if any at all. None of it is even worth mentioning. I'm required to wear the device for one more week. Now I realize I could O later in my cycle; however, given my history, to say/think that would be laughable!

So here I am, thinking... what's next? We have options, which I'm grateful for...

Option 1 - As part of the study, they provide you with one cycle's worth of 100 mg Clomid if you do not get a BFP. We could take the Clomid and just see what happens. The only bad thing with this option is it would be an unmonitored cycle.

Option 2 - Meet with our RE and see what he/she recommends in regards to treatment. This was originally our intention; however, we went straight into the clinical trial.

Option 3 - Get SERIOUS and lose about 20 - 30 lbs. It's been proven that weight loss can help PCOS'ers a great deal. Does this mean it could mean ovulation restoration, probably not (or at least I'm not going to get my hopes up), but it's worth a try, right?

After this study cycle, at the very least, I'll set up a phone appointment with my RE. I have a few questions about how he/she thinks Femara may work for me and, if I were to choose Option 3, should I take Metformin??

CD 14 Appointment

It didn't go very well today. Not much change from CD10, so I'm bummed, but in a weird way, I think I'm finally getting used to this. My body does NOT ovulate, so why I should I expect any different? I wasn't that disappointed. I wasn't surprised.

The follicles that were about 7-8mm on CD10 were about 8-9mm today. The large questionable cyst/follicle was larger on today's scan; however, it's still only 15mm or so. Even if it is a follicle, it's not large enough.

And to top it off, my lining is still very thin. It is not thickening up like it's supposed to be. Today it was about 3-4mm.

CD17 is my last chance... until then....

Stronger or More Sensitive

Each week I'm required to use a new controller for my device. It's the piece of the device that activates every hour and a half. Since I've changed the controller and began using the #2 controller, I've noticed that when the device goes off, I'm more sensitive to it or it's actually stronger. It woke me up twice last night and I had to roll over to my back or place my hand on top of it and apply a little pressure. I don't know if this is all in my head, but the device has never caused me any pain, until now.

Last night I also observed a small bruise and a few small burns on my belly. I have no idea if the bruise is from the device or perhaps from my 30 pound dog jumping on my belly! :) Now do you understand why I said torture?! Honestly, it's not that bad, these are just some observations of mine.

I realize my last post was flooded by my emotions... I apologize. I didn't mention the results of my study visit...

The good news is the cyst is gone or it's smaller! She said that she can't tell if what she saw was a follicle or the cyst at a smaller size. We won't know until Monday when I have another u/s performed. If it's grown, then we know it's a follicle. I knew my gut was right. I know this wasn't anything to worry about! I'm still not convinced it's a cyst, but only time will tell. I also have 3 follicles on my right size - about 7-8 mm. Grow follies grow!

I'm feeling much better today. Thank you, ladies, for the kind words you left for me. After I blogged yesterday, I caught up on blog reading and I came across some very uplifting words on Shannon's Blog, Faith Hope and Love. She made me feel so much better and her words actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Shannon! You have no idea how great it feels to know you're still thinking and praying for us TTC'ers.

If you don't read Shannon's Blog, you should! She's an inspiration and always positive! She's devoted to God and I admire her! She's finally PG with two blessings (twins!) and after following her through most of her journey, I'm so incredibly happy for her and her DH! I'm also giddy to see her belly pics! She's so perfectly PG!

A roller coaster of an anniversary

I was awoken just after midnight by DH so he could wish me happy anniversary!! He's the greatest! We celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday! The day started off fantastic, receiving tons of anniversary wishes on Facebook and via telephone!

As I was getting ready for my study appointment, I received a text message that I wouldn't able to get off my mind for the remainder of the day. My very good friend, T, was announcing her pregnancy. I replied immediately and then, I cried.

I was surprised by my sobbing. I now understood the feeling my fellow infertiles have been experiencing. I never thought a PG announcement would affect me this way. It really made me stop and think, "What does this mean?", "Why am I feeling like this?". I had to face the reality of how our journey is affecting me and what I'm feeling inside.

I have a very good friend who knows what I'm going through. She battled infertility and conceived twins after an IVF cycle. I called her and she did make me feel better. She also recommended I find a support group, which I may act on.

It was my anniversary and I was going to do my best to make it a happy one, but, honestly, that was extremely hard. The battle we've fought, our journey, the fact that my body doesn't ovulate was on my mind the entire day.

Details about my torture

I haven't shared much about the research study I'm participating in, and I have a very good reason why. One of my fellow cysters (PCOS'er) who participated in the study shared a little too much on one of our favorite forums, including photos of her drug and well, she was reprimanded by her RE office and the RE personally, no bueno. So I'll be choosy with my words, but I did want to share some information about my torture.

So here we go... I'm required to wear "a device" that emits the drug every 90 minutes. My device must be worn on one of my arms or on my belly. I am also taking Clomid CD 3-7. The reality of this study is that I could have placebos for the device, the clomid, or both. My device must be changed every 12 hours.

I was a little worried about wearing the device last night. Initially, I placed it on my left arm; however, when my device required changing in the evening I thought long and hard about where to put it. I typically sleep on my back or on my side with my arm under my pillow. I knew the device would be in the way. I ended up placing it right under my belly button and it worked perfectly!

When the drug is emitted every hour and half, I can definitely feel it. It catches me off guard, but I can usually continue with what I'm doing at the time. It feels like a very mild sting or burn. If I'm not walking or moving much I can feel it pulse. It's a little strange, but I'm getting used to it, I suppose.

If you have any specific questions about the study, I would be more than happy to answer them for you via email. This study is for women who have PCOS and are TTC. Please understand that if I'm not familiar with you or your blog, I probably won't reply, sorry. I need to protect myself as a study stubject. rightalignedmind at gmail dot com

Officially a Guinea Pig

AF arrived on Tuesday, so today (CD3) was Study Start day! I went in to take a urine PG test to confirm BFN and to also have a vaginal US. I was feeling very positive this morning and looking forward to having this chance to possibly get my body to O. My positive attitude quickly turned into fear and disappointment when the RN told me I had a 2.5cm cyst.

I'll be the first to say, my gut tells me not to believe her. I know, what do I know?! But I've been looking at ultrasounds long enough (haha, about a year) to know follicles and small cysts look EXACTLY alike. How in the world do you tell the difference? How do I know this just isn't a follicle "leftover" from my previous cycle?

The good news is my RE and her RN weren't alarmed and allowed me to begin the study. I was revealed. I just wanted a chance.

So tonight I'll start the Clomid (possibly placebo). My next visit is in a week, at which they'll do another US. I'm hoping this cyst is just a leftover follicle, but only time will tell...