The Uncertainty

I told DH this week that I'm actually content with our future being so uncertain. There are so many decisions we're going to have to make in the next couple of years. The biggest - where DH will decide to go to school. We've always expected that we'd be moving out of Texas; however, ever since I entered back onto the workforce, I've expressed my concerns with moving and leaving this opportunity behind. One of the fabulous qualities about my DH is that he's so understanding and even when it's not necessary, he puts my needs in front of his. I love him.

So the future is uncertain. We're living life day by day. All I can wish is that we are able to focus at the objective at hand and not allow our "wants" or "desires" to cloud our necessities.

DH will be sending off his college applications in the next couple of weeks....

It's also uncertain if we'll ever be able to start the family we so desperately desire. It's uncertain if we should right now considering all we're going through.

I've been charting and my temp has been high, so I may have O'd but I'm positive we didn't BD around the right time if I did O.

I'm no longer participating in the clinical research study in Chicago. I'm unable to travel to Chicago with my new job, so unfortunately I had to withdraw. I'm really bummed about it, because I thoroughly enjoyed Chicago (Michigan Ave to be exact!) and I looked forward to attributing to the study of PCOS. If you have PCOS, PLEASE consider participating in this study and attributing to the study and, hopefully, the ability to find a cure for this horrible syndrome!! All expenses are PAID and you get paid nearly $1K just for participating!!!

So things are uncertain... and I'm looking forward to making some major life altering decisions in 2010!

Expecting to wake up soon

I've been working for my new employer for 4 days now. My two other co-workers (my only other co-workers) are absolute dolls. They are the same age as me and they can't wait to "take me out"! They are so fun to be around!

Today my boss (the doctor) took us all out to lunch. According to the girls, this was the annual Christmas Party. We were taken to a very swanky restaurant just outside the hustle and bustle of our city. After a 4 course meal, we exchanged gifts and were given the afternoon off! After 4 days, I got a gift from my doctor and his wife AND the girls! I'm expecting to wake up at any minute now.

I'm very grateful for what I've been given this week. I could almost positively tell you that I have found the PERFECT job! I've been told many many times by my co-workers - "You won't find a better doctor to work for!" Sigh.

So what am I doing?! Well, my background is in Health Insurance, Medical Billing, and Insurance Collections. When I quit my full time job to stay at home to run my company full time I was working for a 7 physician group of OB/GYNs. I absolutely loved my job and absolutely hated leaving, but I had to do what I had to do, because my company was making me double my salary! Hah. Not anymore.

I am now working for a male OB/GYN. It's a solo office, so he's the only doctor in the office! I handle all his medical billing and collections. I also schedule his surgeries.

I've been out of the workforce for 3 years running my company from home. I was fearful that "gap" may work against me. However, I was offered the same pay I was making at my previous office.

I've been thanking God every day for what I've been given.

29 hours later

I WAS at maximum capacity and God must read my blog, because I had no idea how things could and would change only 29 hours later.

My last blog post was on Thursday at 9:50 am CST. 27 minutes later, I received a phone call. It was a doctor's office calling to schedule an interview. (Yes, I had sent my resume out to this office, because it was the PERFECT match.) I had been struggling for a long time try to decide whether I should return back to work doing what I used to do before I started my company. It has been 3 years and I didn't know how that time would affect my ability to find a job. So, the interview was scheduled for 2 pm - sameday!

Twenty four hours and 18 minutes later, I received the job offer and at 2:19 pm I was no longer at maximum capacity. Wow, how things can change in only 29 hours! I was so incredibly grateful and excited!

I felt so relieved, but at the same time a little sad. What was going to happen to my company? I've worked so hard for 3 years to build its great reputation! Will I need to turn away customers this coming Spring/Summer? How will I work full time, go to school part time, and continue to keep my company alive.

I don't know how it's going to be possible, but I must try 110% to keep it alive. All I know is how INCREDIBLY relieved I am. I'm positive this is the start to a wonderful 2010!

More good news, I start on MONDAY!!!

Ready for 2010

What's the saying? "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?" Well, I'm feeling at maximum capacity.

Here’s what has been going on:
Week of Thanksgiving – Trip to Chicago, Thanksgiving with family in Fort Worth, Packing the entire house on Black Friday, Moving the next day (Saturday), Unpacking on Sunday and on Monday and still in progress.

When we moved into our apartment, we found mold – yup! It wasn’t “considered an emergency” so of course, we had to wait until Monday to have someone come out to take a look at it. It’s still not 100% rectified. The scent is lingering or the carpets need to be cleaned again or completely replaced.

Business is still slow. The (second) job I acquired was "given" to an internal employee without my permission - long story. So now I'm job hunting again. Money is still very tight, or frankly, nonexistent.

I haven’t been temping at all. I haven’t even thought about TTC. I haven’t been following a good diet (per my dietitian in Chicago) due to all that has been going on. I’m really in no positive attitude to eat well. I’ve given up for the time being.

I can honestly say 2009 as been horrible for myself. I am so ready for the New Year and to say goodbye to 09.

Chicago and an update

Our housing troubles seem to be behind us for the most part. Our landlord has found a new tenant who is available to move in on December 1st, so he won't need to proceed with an official eviction. That is great news! We will begin moving the day after Thanksgiving!

I'm scheduled to fly out to Chicago on Sunday. I'll be beginning the testing for the new Research Study I'll be participating in. I will only be in Chicago for two nights. I do know that I'll be involved in some pretty extensive tests such as an MRI, CAT scan, and a treadmill test. I'm looking forward to meeting with the dietitian and getting on with my weight loss! :)

This will be a 6 month study; however, I am allowed to leave the study at any time, if I choose. I'm grateful I have a choice, but I'm not starting this with any intention to leave the study early.

So, essentially, this means we'll be on a TTC-break while I participate in the study. I think the 6 months will fly by. We've been TTC for 2 years now, so what is another 6 months! We're still young and thinking positively!

House troubles

In October, my company experienced it's lowest revenue to date. It was even lower than my first month in business.

Our November rent was extremely difficult to pay, so we contacted our landlord to request a sublease for December 1st. We were so happy to hear that he was actually willing to work with us. Whatever amount we were behind, we would just pay him back within 90 days. Fantastic... then, he consulted with his attorney... and the rug was pulled right out from under us.

His attorney advised him that we could not make an agreement outside of the lease. If we're unable to pay our rent in December, he will move forward with a formal eviction.

Ugh, back to apartment living. Dh and I are sad to leave this house. We love it, but we're trying to focus on the positives. It will only be for 7 months. We'll be right across the street from the college and dh will be able to walk to school! The best news is our rent will save us over $700 a month!

CD31 - BFN

Today's visit was supposed to be my last study visit; however, they informed me that I actually had TWO more visits. Ugh. So my last two visits are on the 15th and the 20th. If I still have a BFN on the 20th, I'll receive my complimentary Clomid and my study compensation! Yay!

I haven't been temping much, because of daylight savings time and my crazy work schedule. I did take my temp the other morning, one hour earlier than normal which would of been the correct time if daylight savings time hadn't occurred, and it was within the normal range, so given that temp and my constant O pain, I'm positive I haven't O'd.

I've been thinking and thinking about my options and the only thing that remains the same is my want/need to lose weight. I've lost a little, so that is great!

Most likely, I will participate in the 6 month research study. I'll have the best chance to lose weight during those 6 months and after the study, dh and I can try to TTC again!

Around here the stress level is at it's highest; however, I'm hanging in there. Long story short, we may be moving in the next 30-60 days.... again. We can't afford to live in our beautiful much loved rental house. I curse this economy... and my ignorance and inability to save money. I'll share more later.

Extremely Stressed

A lot is going on right now. I almost can't even blog right now, because I don't even want to think about it, so... for now, I won't depress you.

I got good news at my visit on Friday; however, once I got home is when everything came crumbling down, so I didn't have time to really celebrate!

I have a "new" large follicle on my left side. Yay! They are positive this is not the cyst, because well, the cyst is still there. The follicle was about 18mm on Friday and I've been having strong O pains ever since. Now these O pains are what I associate as O pains. Since I do not actually O, I can best describe it as what I feel when follicles are larger in size. And in a way, I think that my body is trying very hard to release them, but can't, and well, that's what I'm feeling.

DH and I bd'd yesterday just in case! Since I'm responding late, they may add on another appointment for another PG test.

Other than that, I'm hanging in there.

Last day

I'm wearing my second to last device, right now, as I type!! My last device will be worn tonight and then I'm a free woman!! Wahoo!!

I have missed my freedom most. I work from home and I tend to take showers at all times during the day - mostly in the afternoon. With the device I've been required to take my showers around 7:30 in the morning and 7:30 at night.

I took my temp this morning and just as I suspected it has not risen, so I'm convinced that I have not responded to the investigational drug inside the device. That's ok. It was a trial and that was my attitude. I was not expecting it to work for me.

I have two more appointments left with my RE's office, as part of the study. One is on Friday and the last appointment is a week from Friday.

I'm still considering my options; however, I'm positive it will involve weight loss.

Adding an Option 4

Honestly, I totally forgot about this and it's probably because I had mostly discarded this option entirely. I didn't think I would consider this again - participating in the other research study.

After I submitted my initial blood work, I knew receiving my official acceptance into this study wouldn't arrive for another 6 or 7 weeks. It finally did arrive and I was officially acceptable and invited to participate.

This study doesn't involve TTC. The main objective is ovulation when combined with an investigational drug and weight loss. And the total amount of time involved is SIX months!

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last 24 hours and I've decided to add an Option 4. I'm very surprised that I'm considering this, but here's my thinking:

- I was leaning toward Option 3 (losing a considerable amount of weight) to see how my cycles would respond. Even if I couldn't restore ovulation after weight loss, perhaps, inexpensive treatments, like Clomid, would work for me (unlike now). Option 3 could take a while. I'm not a good dieter. It could very well take me 4-6 months. Not to mention allowing my cycle time to respond to the weight loss... so why not add Option 4?

- With Option 4, I'll be working with a nutritionist and put on a strict diet. I'm positive I will lose weight. Personally, I'll be disciplined and I predict I'll stick to it more so than if I were doing it on my own - especially during the holidays!

- If I were to chose any 6 months during the next year, I'd choose now! DH is applying to universities at the end of the year. Chances are we'll be moving again next Summer. All things involved (money, time, packing, traveling by plane/car/uhaul, possibly being PG, and more money), again, I'd choose now.

If I were to discard this option due to being unable to TTC, I'd be acting selfishly. My RE has told me that I'm perfectly "PCOS". I should be more than honored to contribute to studying and treating this Syndrome. As of today, there is NO cure for PCOS. There are only drugs to help manage the symptoms associated with PCOS.

Option 4 added.

2 ovaries = 2 failures

CD17 u/s revealed little change, if any at all. None of it is even worth mentioning. I'm required to wear the device for one more week. Now I realize I could O later in my cycle; however, given my history, to say/think that would be laughable!

So here I am, thinking... what's next? We have options, which I'm grateful for...

Option 1 - As part of the study, they provide you with one cycle's worth of 100 mg Clomid if you do not get a BFP. We could take the Clomid and just see what happens. The only bad thing with this option is it would be an unmonitored cycle.

Option 2 - Meet with our RE and see what he/she recommends in regards to treatment. This was originally our intention; however, we went straight into the clinical trial.

Option 3 - Get SERIOUS and lose about 20 - 30 lbs. It's been proven that weight loss can help PCOS'ers a great deal. Does this mean it could mean ovulation restoration, probably not (or at least I'm not going to get my hopes up), but it's worth a try, right?

After this study cycle, at the very least, I'll set up a phone appointment with my RE. I have a few questions about how he/she thinks Femara may work for me and, if I were to choose Option 3, should I take Metformin??

CD 14 Appointment

It didn't go very well today. Not much change from CD10, so I'm bummed, but in a weird way, I think I'm finally getting used to this. My body does NOT ovulate, so why I should I expect any different? I wasn't that disappointed. I wasn't surprised.

The follicles that were about 7-8mm on CD10 were about 8-9mm today. The large questionable cyst/follicle was larger on today's scan; however, it's still only 15mm or so. Even if it is a follicle, it's not large enough.

And to top it off, my lining is still very thin. It is not thickening up like it's supposed to be. Today it was about 3-4mm.

CD17 is my last chance... until then....

Stronger or More Sensitive

Each week I'm required to use a new controller for my device. It's the piece of the device that activates every hour and a half. Since I've changed the controller and began using the #2 controller, I've noticed that when the device goes off, I'm more sensitive to it or it's actually stronger. It woke me up twice last night and I had to roll over to my back or place my hand on top of it and apply a little pressure. I don't know if this is all in my head, but the device has never caused me any pain, until now.

Last night I also observed a small bruise and a few small burns on my belly. I have no idea if the bruise is from the device or perhaps from my 30 pound dog jumping on my belly! :) Now do you understand why I said torture?! Honestly, it's not that bad, these are just some observations of mine.

I realize my last post was flooded by my emotions... I apologize. I didn't mention the results of my study visit...

The good news is the cyst is gone or it's smaller! She said that she can't tell if what she saw was a follicle or the cyst at a smaller size. We won't know until Monday when I have another u/s performed. If it's grown, then we know it's a follicle. I knew my gut was right. I know this wasn't anything to worry about! I'm still not convinced it's a cyst, but only time will tell. I also have 3 follicles on my right size - about 7-8 mm. Grow follies grow!

I'm feeling much better today. Thank you, ladies, for the kind words you left for me. After I blogged yesterday, I caught up on blog reading and I came across some very uplifting words on Shannon's Blog, Faith Hope and Love. She made me feel so much better and her words actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Shannon! You have no idea how great it feels to know you're still thinking and praying for us TTC'ers.

If you don't read Shannon's Blog, you should! She's an inspiration and always positive! She's devoted to God and I admire her! She's finally PG with two blessings (twins!) and after following her through most of her journey, I'm so incredibly happy for her and her DH! I'm also giddy to see her belly pics! She's so perfectly PG!

A roller coaster of an anniversary

I was awoken just after midnight by DH so he could wish me happy anniversary!! He's the greatest! We celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday! The day started off fantastic, receiving tons of anniversary wishes on Facebook and via telephone!

As I was getting ready for my study appointment, I received a text message that I wouldn't able to get off my mind for the remainder of the day. My very good friend, T, was announcing her pregnancy. I replied immediately and then, I cried.

I was surprised by my sobbing. I now understood the feeling my fellow infertiles have been experiencing. I never thought a PG announcement would affect me this way. It really made me stop and think, "What does this mean?", "Why am I feeling like this?". I had to face the reality of how our journey is affecting me and what I'm feeling inside.

I have a very good friend who knows what I'm going through. She battled infertility and conceived twins after an IVF cycle. I called her and she did make me feel better. She also recommended I find a support group, which I may act on.

It was my anniversary and I was going to do my best to make it a happy one, but, honestly, that was extremely hard. The battle we've fought, our journey, the fact that my body doesn't ovulate was on my mind the entire day.

Details about my torture

I haven't shared much about the research study I'm participating in, and I have a very good reason why. One of my fellow cysters (PCOS'er) who participated in the study shared a little too much on one of our favorite forums, including photos of her drug and well, she was reprimanded by her RE office and the RE personally, no bueno. So I'll be choosy with my words, but I did want to share some information about my torture.

So here we go... I'm required to wear "a device" that emits the drug every 90 minutes. My device must be worn on one of my arms or on my belly. I am also taking Clomid CD 3-7. The reality of this study is that I could have placebos for the device, the clomid, or both. My device must be changed every 12 hours.

I was a little worried about wearing the device last night. Initially, I placed it on my left arm; however, when my device required changing in the evening I thought long and hard about where to put it. I typically sleep on my back or on my side with my arm under my pillow. I knew the device would be in the way. I ended up placing it right under my belly button and it worked perfectly!

When the drug is emitted every hour and half, I can definitely feel it. It catches me off guard, but I can usually continue with what I'm doing at the time. It feels like a very mild sting or burn. If I'm not walking or moving much I can feel it pulse. It's a little strange, but I'm getting used to it, I suppose.

If you have any specific questions about the study, I would be more than happy to answer them for you via email. This study is for women who have PCOS and are TTC. Please understand that if I'm not familiar with you or your blog, I probably won't reply, sorry. I need to protect myself as a study stubject. rightalignedmind at gmail dot com

Officially a Guinea Pig

AF arrived on Tuesday, so today (CD3) was Study Start day! I went in to take a urine PG test to confirm BFN and to also have a vaginal US. I was feeling very positive this morning and looking forward to having this chance to possibly get my body to O. My positive attitude quickly turned into fear and disappointment when the RN told me I had a 2.5cm cyst.

I'll be the first to say, my gut tells me not to believe her. I know, what do I know?! But I've been looking at ultrasounds long enough (haha, about a year) to know follicles and small cysts look EXACTLY alike. How in the world do you tell the difference? How do I know this just isn't a follicle "leftover" from my previous cycle?

The good news is my RE and her RN weren't alarmed and allowed me to begin the study. I was revealed. I just wanted a chance.

So tonight I'll start the Clomid (possibly placebo). My next visit is in a week, at which they'll do another US. I'm hoping this cyst is just a leftover follicle, but only time will tell...

Desperation to blog... NOW.

OMG! I totally feel like I'm inside someone else's body. Like my brain doesn't belong to me.... I'm actually going to register to take a class (or two).... at a COLLEGE!! What happened to me? Really. Someone should keep an eye on me... this is just NOT me!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-college education. I've just never been a bookworm. I cannot follow a strict class schedule, stay attentive in class, complete homework, study AND make good grades on tests/assignments. I tried it once and well I don't have a college degree hanging in my home office to show for it.

My father did not attend college. He worked his way up the corporate latter from his first job as a 16 year old! My mom is an RN with only an associates. None of my sisters are college graduates, so as you can tell, it's not in our blood. I've always been ambitious. Heck, I started my own business (100% on my own!) 3 years ago. It's graphic design related and my clients FLIP when they learn I am degree-less. :)

I started thinking about taking some college classes when I found the quantity of available personal time increase tremendously. I went from 8 - 9 hr days to 2 - 3 hr days. When I saw DH's eye sparkle due to this interest I figured "Eh. What could it hurt, right?" When he got all giddy, like a kid in the candy store, I was convinced.

So I've applied to the local county college where DH attends. I'll be starting my night job soon, so I'll need to take online courses for now. I ordered a transcript from my previous college and my next math course is Calculus! HAH! I think I'll start with College Algebra! Oh, how I used to be such the math wiz... no more.

The BIG question is - If I continue, what will I study? I could continue my "knowledge" in graphic design; however, I've always always been very medically minded. I think my passion would be in Healthcare and my hobby (or a potential minor) could be in computer aided design, etc.

I'm leaning towards an Associate in Applied Science and becoming certified in Diagnostic Medical Sonography. I'd really love to obtain my bachelor's degree, so I'm open to continuing after the associates.

We'll see what happens...

Visit #2

According to my study paperwork, tomorrow's visit to my RE will be Visit #2.

They will take urine for a PG test (to confirm a BFN) and they will give me 5 tablets (assuming Provera) to take for 5 days. Usually, I would be rx'd 10 tablets (taking 2 each day); however, this time it's only one tablet, so this should be very interesting whether AF shows or not. If AF doesn't show after 10 days, I'll still be able to start the study.

Visit #3 will be on CD3!

In other news, I haven't started my new job yet. I had to do a preemployment drug screen on Monday, so I'm waiting on those results to hear an official start date. Hopefully it's very soon. I'm going nuts with all of the spare time on my hands!

Randomness

Just a few random things...

Subject: TTC
Of course, I have not O'd. I'm not surprised. 10 more days till my next drs appointment. If AF doesn't arrive on her own, they'll probably be rx Provera and then I'll get to start the study! Wahoo! I'm just ready for it to be here already!

Subject: J-O-B
I got (another) J-O-B! Times are tough and I've got to sacrifice some of my spare time, sooooo I've found another job! It will be 40 hours a week; however, I'll have plenty of free time to handle work pertaining to my company! Yes, I know, it's a dream job! :) More to come soon...

Subject: Funeral
I attended a funeral for a friend of mine. It wasn't a very formal funeral. As I sealed his coffin with tape, I didn't allow myself to say a sad goodbye. Actually, I was a little happy inside.

His name was BB Storm. He lived a very short life of ... eh ... 9 months. Yeah, he was not too good to me. His purpose in life was to aid me in communicating. When I was unable to make/answer phone calls, type/send text messages, and well, unable to use it at all, I called his parents and told them I was cancelling the contract, going to AT&T and getting me a brand new ifriend! His parents didn't like that at all, so they sent me a new BB Curve. It's pink and well, I LOVE her... so far!


Subject: Dean's List
DH made the Dean's List at school!! I'm soooooooooooo proud of him!

Subject: Money
Ok, so you know I'm addicted to couponing now? Well, I've gotten deeper and deeper into this addiction!

So I shop at Kroger for groceries. I've always had the Kroger Card. It's free and saves you money on a few things in the store. But a couple of weeks ago I found that I can preload more coupons on my Kroger card! Then when I go to the store, use my Kroger card, I'll automatically get the additional savings at the register. It's amazing! The best part is that if I have a manufacturer coupon for say $.39 off, and I have a preloaded coupon for $.50, not only will Kroger TRIPLE my $.39 coupon, they will also allow me to use my preloaded coupon for .$50 for a total savings of $1.67! So I'm thinking... Whoa! This could be good.

Here are my grocery totals for my last two shopping trips:
Subtotal $143.07
Coupons -$24.02
Kroger Plus Card -$13.08
PAID $105.97 - Saved $37.10 (26%)


Subtotal $138.09
Coupons -$15.85
Kroger Plus Card -$23.35
PAID $98.89 - Saved $39.20 (28%)

Still wishing and hoping

Despite how close we are to starting this clinical trial, I'm still holding onto to hope that just maybe someday I'll O on my own!

I haven't been religiously charting. I've been temping every few days or so. I'm on CD16 with no EWCM or O pains; however, my temps are looking great! I've got a perfect slope downward! Now I'm just wishing and hoping that my temp spikes up! It would be a miracle, really!

Everything's open for business

I got a text message this morning from DH that asked "So everything's open for business?" I laughed out loud!

Yes, that is correct, everything is very OPEN for business!! Now all we need are products for the shelves (eggs)! :)

HSG was a success. My tubes are open and everything looked great! I'm so relieved. I was a little afraid of the pain associated with the procedure, but I was a champ!

It took about 3-4 minutes. My doctor explained every step and, really, I didn't feel much at all! It was like a really really long pap smear!

I'll be able to start the study in about 3 weeks! I'm excited!

Tattle Tell

Didn't your mom tell you not to “tattle tell”? Hehehe… I tattle told today and I feel so guilty!

We live in the back of a neighborhood and my desk in my office faces the window. It always catches my eye to see a car drive by, the mail man arrive at the mailbox, a unleashed dog run by, or someone exercising, because it doesn’t happen much! I always seem to be distracted by my neighbors across the street. Like, for instance, on trash day they both clean out their trash cans with their water hoses. Really? Who does that? Not to mention, who has time to do that? Then they’ll leave it in the driveway to dry..... ::thinking to myself:: "Maybe I should be doing that for the trash men."

Here’s the view from my office window:


We’ve lived here for 3 months and in that time I’ve figured out that in the two story house lives a young woman who gave birth within the first week of us living here. One day I saw her all cute and PG, and then one day with a baby carrier! In the house also lives 3 other small children, but I usually see them with an older woman (maybe the grandma?). I’m not sure if all of the kids are the younger woman’s, but I predict there are a lot of kids in that one house! Then in the one story next to them lives a businessman. He goes to work at about 10 am everyday and wears nice dress shirts and pants. His parents live with him. They’re older. [mail man just got here. Hehe!]

So today I saw the businessman leave for work, like I do everyday. As he pulls out of his driveway and drives in front of my house, I noticed him casually throwing a white plastic grocery bag out of his window. WTF!?!? Who does that anymore!? Ok, I’m not a big gung ho environmental advocate, but geez, that irritates me. You were just at your home where you have a huge trashcan sitting within 10 feet of you!? ...not to mention, a CLEAN trashcan! :)

A few months back I had heard on the radio that you can report people who throw cigerette butts out their car window (a form of littering). I was so intrigued to know that you can actually report someone using their license plate. The state will mail the vehicle owner a TRASH BAG along with a letter reminding them to keep litter of our roads! HAH!! I love it! So today I googled it and found this! I reported him! I felt so guilty afterwards! After I reported him, I went outside to find the bag and it wasn't anywhere to be found. Great, now it's probably in the creek or clogging the sewer drain.

The link is for Texas, but hopefully your state has something similar!

HSG Scheduled!!

AF arrived yesterday! It was super light and I've been experiencing some really weird spotting/light AF patterns, so I waited till today to call my study coordinator to schedule the HSG. This morning she arrived with three pieces of luggage, so I made the call today! :)

HSG is scheduled for next Thursday at 9:15 am! Since we only have one car, I'll have to drop DH off at school and then make my way to Grapevine! I hope I can drive home... I've heard it can be pretty painful. My paperwork says to take 2 ibuprofen 45 minutes before the procedure. I think I'll take 3 just in case!

Also, my bloodwork came back and everything was NORMAL. Not within normal ranges for the study specifically, but *REAL* NORMAL! Can you believe that? I didn't even have a slightly high testosterone level like I've received before which would indicate PCOS. hmmm? She's going to give me copies of the results on Thursday. Then, I can bring them home and over analyze them by googling and reading online for hours! Hehe!

So we're one step closer... wahoo! I'm ready to get on with this! :)

Off subject... I haven't mentioned much about my new coupon lifestyle, but today I stumbled upon this Schwan's offer on Frugal Coupon Living. I wish I had more time to read her site! My free $10 worth of food will arrive on Friday! It was totally free! No delivery charges, nada!

Waiting... still.

I've lost most of my patience. I'm always waiting for SOMETHING!

AF hasn't arrived; however, when I look back at my 150 day nightmare cycle last year, AF arrived 7-8 days after my last Provera pill, so hopefully AF will arrive today or tomorrow.

DH's morphology finally came back and everything was normal! No two-headed, two tailed, jacked-up sperm - yahoo!!

Now all we need to do is my HSG and our infectious diseases testing. If both are good, we wait for AF, again, to start the study!! I'm excited. I want it to start NOW!!

In other news, my husband returned to school today! He's a Sophomore in college! He was super nervous this morning, but I think deep down he was excited and ready to get back into the swing of things! I'm so so proud of him!

The unknown is often never seen

I don’t wish Infertility anyone; however, I’ve often wondered to myself “Does she know how lucky she is? She has stopped BCP x times and has x kids to show for it!? Does she realize for many women it’s not that easy?” OR “She ovulates late, on day 40 or so, but does she realize how lucky she is to OVULATE, period!?” These thoughts go through my mind often, so as the events of Friday afternoon occurred I stepped back and really thought about all of the couples who deal with male factor infertility (MFI).

DH went in for his SA on Friday. I’m already extremely grateful for having this done at no charge (A $75 savings!) due to the research study; however, after receiving the results I realize there is no value that could be placed on the results! All of his results were within normal ranges or above normal ranges with the exception of his “Progressive Motility”. According to the Lab Technician, DH spoke to, advised his results were below average meaning his “Fast Swimmers” aren’t as fast as they’d like. So I’m assuming his means they are all the same speed? :) Ok, his swimmers prefer to be fair!? Fair enough! :)

I’m not positive. I called the nurse to find out exactly what this meant and to see if it would disqualify us from participating in the study. I look forward to hearing back from her tomorrow. On the other hand, his Sperm Concentration, Motility, and Total Sperm in Sample were all above average, so again, according to the lab tech, she felt the lack of Progressive Motility was compensated by these above average numbers. I hope she is right!

Despite the “abnormal” finding, I’m extremely grateful for the results of his SA! According to WebMD, up to half of all cases of infertility involve problems with the man. In fact, about 20 – 30% of the time, a man’s low fertility is the main obstacle to conception. I realize there are treatments for male infertility; however, many of the couples I know who are dealing with MFI are using donor sperm. I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it is to have to learn of the results, deal with the results, and make the decision to use donor sperm, which as I understand it is looking through pages and pages of profiles. I cannot imagine knowing my child isn’t biologically from my husband, rather from a donor. Am I being ignorant? DH and I are not dealing with MFI personally; however, we do realize how grateful we are to receive these results.

Perfectly Abnormal

First and foremost, I'm feeling much much better! :)

The initial study evaluations are completed!! On Monday, I went in to have my blood drawn for Chicago. It was a lot of blood, so thankfully, I didn't pass out! Now, we wait about 6-8 weeks for the results...

Yesterday, we went in to my RE office to be evaluated for their research study. This was my first visit to their office and I was so pleasantly surprised with the office. It was so large and soooo beautiful! I really felt like I was walking into a spa!

We met with the nurse who asked us both many many questions. She then took my blood and said it would take about 2 weeks for the results. Next, DH and I met with the doctor in her office. She asked us a couple of questions. Explained a bit about the study and then explained she would be performing a sonogram to make sure everything inside (my uterus, ovaries, cervix, etc.) looked ok. I told her and the nurse I was a little worried I may have a cyst as a result of my last Clomid cycle and so surprisingly, no cysts were found; however, I did have a large follicle! It seems that was the pain I've been feeling! It was only about 14-15 mm.

After the sono, the doctor said I was "perfectly PCOS"! I was honored, yet, disappointed! I was pleased to finally have a definite diagnosis and essentially an answer!

Overall, the visit went amazingly! All of the staff treated us like we'd been patients for years! I came home with a bag full of PNV samples, images from my sono, and the most important item, a specimen cup!! DH has his SA scheduled for Friday!!




We feel so fortunate to have this opportunity! The value is priceless!

I'll begin 5 days of Provera tonight, so I can have my HSG during CD 6-10. Then hopefully if all of our test results come back acceptable, we'll receive an official acceptance into the study!!

Panic Attack

I think I had a mild panic attack this morning. I've only experienced this feeling one other time in my life. It's an awful feeling.

I've had so much on my plate lately, which has bottled up into extreme stress. I think the bulk of the stress involves my company. We have been extremly slow and at times I worry we won't be able to pay bills. I'm not the kind of person to sit around and wait for business to pick back up again... maybe I should be.

So lately, I've been reaching out to do more freelance work (work I don't usually do, but that I'm capable of handling). I haven't had any real bites (paid projects), so I'm still stressed.

I've decided that I need to add onto my website. The additions will result in better search engine results, which will bring more business my way. The additions are extensive. I've been working on this for atleast 2-3 weeks and I have yet to add anything to the website as I'm still compliling information, content, images, etc.... so I'm stressed.

In addition to the website additions, I've decided I also need to create a blog for my business.. and a facebook account... and a twitter account...and an etsy shop...are you getting my drift? I could go on and on, seriously.

DH got a part time job at the bookstore on campus! I should be relieved, but I'm so overwhelmed with my own stresses. I can't look past them. He'll be working about 30 hours a week, and I'm worried he won't get enough time to focus on his school work. And I'm also stressed, because what if I need to get a job away from home and we only have one car!?!?!? :::stopping my head from spinning:::

Giving half my blood content on Monday & Tuesday!!

My blood work package came from Chicago this week! It was filled with tons of paperwork and hundreds of collection tubes!! Ok, not hundreds, but geez, do I really have to fill all of those up with blood?


I don't think so. The paper work says 90 ml will be taken. That's about 6 tablespoons, I think... ::running off to the online converter:: .... yup, 6 tablespoons! I suppose that doesn't seem that bad. The arrival of these tubes, though, made my eyes water.

So I'll need to fast Sunday night and wake up Monday morning to go get my blood sucked out of me! Then the lab will send all of it off to Chicago where they'll do all of the necessary testing. The Study Coordinator (let's call her L) said that best case scenario, I'd hear something back in 2 weeks; however, realistically, it'll probably be more like 4-6 weeks. Ugh. Oh well, in the meantime, I'll concentrate on the local study...

I go in on Tuesday for my evaluation and blood work for it. I hope I still have blood left on Tuesday for them to take! I don't know when I'll hear something back from this study about my acceptance, but I plan to ask on Tuesday.

And in case you're wondering, I'm leaning towards the Chicago study, but if I'm accepted into the local study I'll probably participate in it while I'm waiting on the acceptance from Chicago.

In other news, I've been having some weird pains near both of my ovaries. I'm thinking it may be a cyst. If they do an ultrasound on Tuesday I may find out. I'm not really charting that much. I temped this morning and it was super low and I'm having EWCM.... hmmmmm? Not getting my hopes up though...

Waiting

I haven't heard back from the study coordinator in Chicago. I hope this isn't a bad sign. On Monday when I followed up with her she said she was still trying to find a lab in my area that would perform (and pay!) for all of the lab work and testing necessary. It's Wednesday and I still haven't heard from her. Eeck. I'm trying to be patient.

I think this all works out though, because my evaluation for the local research study isn't until August 11th. I received the consent form for this study this week in the mail and have been trying to read it a little bit at a time. It's 14 pages!! So far it's been really informative and quite interesting actually.

I'm still wavering back and forth on which study I'd prefer to participate in. If I have the choice, I have a very hard decision to make. Here are a few thoughts that have been running through my head...

"If I choose the Chicago study, I'd potentially be able to lose a lot of weight. This can only benefit me when TTC after the study (which is 6 months). My PCOS symptoms may improve. Heck, maybe ovulation would occur on it's own. I dunno. Either way, I'd be a healthier happier PG women if I could drop another 30 pounds or so..."

"The local research study is quick easy $$$. $500 for 30 days vs. $725 for 180 days. I hate to think of the $$$, but honestly it's a crucial detail."

Two amazing opportunities

DH and I are at a really difficult place right now. Business has come to a crawl for me; therefore, based on previous fall and winter seasons, we will probably struggle for the remainder of the year. We didn’t utilize a student loan this semester, so all of DH’s coursework expenses will come out of our pockets. Meaning we won’t have much “extra” money to spend. Therefore, we decided early this week, we would cancel our RE appointment. My insurance wasn’t going to cover anything at all and my first visit would be $315 (not including the necessary bloodwork and tests required). Not to mention, treatment may cost us anywhere near $2K - $3K or MORE! There’s just no way we’d be able to afford this in 2009.

We knew this may happen. I, personally, have to put DH’s schooling first. In a perfect world, I’d prefer for him to be a college graduate before he becomes a father, but this isn’t a perfect world. We both chose not to go to college when we were supposed to. Now we’re ready to be parents, and now we face infertility issues... It sucks, but we’ll get through it. We always do.

With that said, DH and I were ready to put our dreams on hold until 2010 (unless it happened the old fashioned way for us!). Then I received a phone call from Chicago, and received an invitation to participate in a medical research study! I spoke with one of the Study Coordinators on Wednesday and she asked me a TON of questions! I think I was giving all the right answers because after all of the questions, she said “Well, you definitely pre-qualify to participate in a few of our studies!”

The study she recommends is a total of 6 months. Each month I would travel to Chicago for a 1-2 day visit – all expenses paid!! The drug being tested is called Flutamide. It’s used in Europe to treat PCOS. I did some reading on the drug specifically last night and found many studies that found ovulation to occur after taking this drug for only 2-3 months in annovulatory PCOS patients. The study would also evalute the effect of weight loss along and with the drug; therefore, I would be meeting a dietitian and would be put on a strict food plan. Wow! A drug that could make me ovulate that isn’t Clomid? Plus I would lose weight!? This could be good. ...plus I get the opportunity to visit Chicago once a month!? I’ve never been anywhere near Chicago! I know it sounds gravy, but there are cons... DH and I wouldn’t be able to TTC for 6 months. We would be required to use a double barrier contraceptive (ex: condoms and diaphram, or condoms and spermacide). Ugh. The study would pay $725. I haven’t been totally approved to participate. I need to go have some bloodwork done to ensure all of my hormone levels represent a true diagnosis of PCOS.

Then opportunity #2 lands in my lap... The next day I get a phone call from the RE office. I had not cancelled my appointment, at this point. Perhaps, I was hoping for a miracle and somehow we’d be able to afford to go. I was waiting till the last minute to call and cancel.

The RE office was calling to invite me to participate in one of their research studies!! This was perfect. If my test results do not come back with a true diagnosis of PCOS, I would have something to fall back on! This study was a little different. DH and I would be allowed to TTC! The objective of the study would be pregnancy! The drugs involved in this study would be GnRh or Clomid, and a combination of the two. The “value” of this study was truly unbelievable. Initially, DH and I would be required to have some testing done to ensure we don’t have any infectious diseases. I would also have to have an OB panel done (more bloodwork). None of this would be paid for by my insurance and it’s not covered as part of the study, so these tests would cost us $225. Then DH would be required to have his SA done, which he has not done yet! I would also have a sonogram and HSG performed! The SA and the HSG would be included in the study and wouldn’t cost us a penny!! Wow, what an opportunity! The cons here are: For me, Clomid = cysts... I could already have a cyst from my previous Clomid cycle, which would probably disqualify me, I’m sure... I must wait for 30 days to pass since my last Clomid pill to start with the evaluation process...and well, the $225 we must come up with by August 11th (my evaluation appointment). This study would pay $500. Less than the Chicago study, but it’s only 30 days long (one cycle) and we’d be able to actually TTC! If I do become PG, the study includes two sonograms and prenatal visits at 6 and 8 weeks, before I'm sent back to my OB for prenatal care!

These two oppurntunties are both amazing oppurntunities. Both with many pros and many cons! If I’m chosen to participate in both, I’m so torn on what to do. How will I make the decision to go with one over the other...

Lots of News

My birthday was amazing! My In-laws surprised me with $100! I didn't except anything, because they were spending the entire weekend with us and usually that means they don't let us pay for anything - and, they didn't! :) Do you ever feel like the words "Thank You" are never enough!? I couldn't say it enough! I love them so much! I was such a happy New 27 year old. Here are a few pictures from our dinner!






I have been given two potentially GREAT opportunities! I'll share more with you tomorrow!!

“If you had a kid you’d feel older!”

My nephew has done it again! Sometimes I can’t believe the words that come out of his mouth. Usually, the comments are hilarious, except this statement made me stop and really think...

I’m another year old. Twenty-seven years old. I’m at the age where I actually have to stop and think, “How old am I, again?” Really. Yup, 27. No longer 26. Wow.

If you had told me that I’d be childless at 27, I would have never ever believed you! It’s a little sad. I’m lying... it’s near the most horrible feeling in the world. But would I feel older, if I was actually “with-child”? I don’t know. Maybe I would.

Honestly, I’d rather “feel” old as a 27 year old mom than a 27 year old infertile.

I remember when I felt so young to be getting married at “only” 23.

My ILs are coming into town today! These will be our first guests in our new home! I’m so excited! We’ll go out to my favorite restaurant tonight and tomorrow we’re gonna hit the Casino! This will be my first casino experience! Maybe I’m not so old as I thought - I’m still experiencing firsts.... Hehe.

Thank you to all of you who already wished me Happy Birthday! ((HUGS))

Back on the Rollercoaster

AF arrived for the second time in 2 weeks - yup. Un-F'ing-believable. I'm positive I have another cyst. My last "cyst cycle" was 15 days... this one only 7 days! Wow - what an achievement!

Well, at this point, I probably won't go in for a CD21 check. There's no point when I won't have a CD21, I'm positive I have another cyst, and my first appt with the RE is July 31st, where they will perform a sonogram anyways. Then hopefully after the cyst is gone, they will move me onto something new - maybe injectables!?!?!?

I did find some good in all of this though...... my birthday is Friday and I was NOT going to have any alcoholic beverages! Hehe, not anymore! My ILs are coming up to visit us and I'm so excited! I hope they don't mind a belligerent inebriated A, because I'm soooooo gonna need a drink after this week!

CD5 and strange things happening

I've been having some really weird and odd pains near my ovaries. Sensations I've never felt before. At times they are a little painful and very noticeable and at other times, they are faint, but still unrecognizable. Usually I do not have sensations near my ovaries until about CD10, so this is really strange.

AND, my temps are super high. WTF? I took a PG test this morning just to be sure and of course, BFN. I have no idea what my body is trying to tell me. Could I have O'd last cycle? No!? I know Clomid can do some weird things to your temps, but geez, this has never happened before!?

Dh and I are trying to be VERY good, here on out. We're doing our absolute best to limit our nights eating out, which will limit all of the fatty foods and alcohol! We're eating Organic, when available and we're actually going to Whole Foods tomorrow to buy our fresh meat for the week! I'd like to stay away from as many processed foods as possible. I'm doing pretty good I think.

I was talking with the ladies on one of my fav forums and I was sharing how I'd like to get down to my wedding day weight, which is only 13-14 pounds away! I couldn't believe it's only 13-14 pounds! I had to pull my fingers out and start counting again, because that had to have been wrong!

I'm loving this feeling!

I got fed up and went into overdrive

I've been having a real hard time with deciding what to do as our TTC conceive journey progresses. I know I have an issue - some kind of ovary dysfunction. Could be the PCOS, could be something else - not sure. At this point, the Clomid isn't looking like it's gonna help all that much. If it does, it brings a little more than ovulation joy - cysts!

On Sunday, AF showed - about a week earlier than I expected! So we found ourselves having to make a decision fast! Dh was very hesitant to double the dose to 50 mg and try Clomid again. He really doesn't want me to get another cyst. I totally feel the same way; however, ironically, I'm hoping (in the back of my mind) that it does bring me another cyst, because at least, then, I'll have answers - CLOMID DOESN'T WORK for me! ... and we can move onto whatever is next!

So I'm CD3 today and will be taking my first Clomid tonight. Please cross your fingers, pray, and/or send very good thoughts my way! I'm afraid I will end up with a cyst, but I really really need to think positive.

If this cycle ends with a BFN and/or a cyst then we've made the decision to jump into an RE's office! I'm ready! I have already found a highly recommended RE in my area, filled out all of the new patient forms/paperwork, and scheduled an appointment for July 31st!!!

I've been reading up and talking with many ladies who have been in my situation before and it seems like injectables may be the treatment plan that is proposed to us. Insurance coverage and $$$ is going to be a huge hurdle for us. Dh starts school in the fall and he's planning on taking 4-5 classes, which means more $$$ needing to be spent.

We'll see what happens, but I'm hopeful this will all work out! I'm super excited for July 31st now!

CD21 Bloodwork

I hate my body. Why doesn't it work like it's supposed to?

CD21 b/w revealed a very very low Progesterone level = no O. What else is new? I'm sick and tired of not ovulating. I feel like my body gets soooo ready and then nothing.

Dr wants to double the Clomid dosage to 50 mg. Ummmm, hello, don't you remember I just got rid of a huge cyst that was supposedly caused by the Clomid?!?! I'm speechless. I really don't want to increase my dose. I want answers.

I plan to consult another doctor within the same practice. She's the doctor I wanted to see in the first place - long story. We'll see if they will "allow" me to see her. If not, I may be on the verge of requesting to be referred to an RE.

I just don't know what to do. My Cobra is running out and I don't even want to think about purchasing an individual insurance plan again.

Hoping my ovary pulls through

This morning I made the mistake of referring to the last Clomid cycle where I actually O’d. Then I realized I O’d shortly after New Years. Ugh, what a downer. I haven’t O’d since and it’s June now! I wish I could reach my ovary, because I really really want to scream at it! I hope it pulls through this month. I just want a chance to TTC.

I think the low dose of Clomid has decreased the s/e’s a tiny bit. I did have a headache the other day and I was extremely moody (or maybe that was Dh’s fault!) the other day. My O feelings/pains have been on the mild side. Until today when I feel like my ovary is on fire!

At the recommendation of one of my wonderful blog followers, I bought a Saliva Ferning Ovulation Predictor. It was super inexpensive and I can use it over and over! I’ve had fertile ferning patterns for the past two days and I actually made dh bd right when he got home from school yesterday! I made the mistake of Googling “Ovulite” and “PCOS” and just as I predicted - discouraging news. Some women claim it’s not very reliable for women with PCOS due to our increased LH levels. I guess I’ll have to keep using it to see if it actually works for me.

My chart says I O'd today, but I have no high temps.... it's got a mind of it's own.

Self Discipline

I have none. Where can I purchase some Self Discipline........ preferably at a discount?

At the beginning of our journey (technically when we started the Clomid), I had tons of self discipline. I would eat healthy, no alcohol, drink tons of water, work out and of course, no smoking cigarettes! I was sooooo dedicated to taking care of my body in hopes of becoming PG. Now is a totally different story. My excuse is this.... Ever since the cyst was found, I have lost most of my hope. I know deep deep down, it will happen some day, but honestly, I’m not committed like I used to be. I’m committed to the goal, but not making the effort to do the best I can. Look at my chart! I’ve gone many many mornings, just totally forgetting to stick the thermometer in my mouth!

This weekend was the worst. I attended a Bachlorette Party – two nights worth! I had predetermined that I would not drink during the weekend. I was mid cycle with Clomid Cycle #4 and wanted to give my body the best chance at O'ing...... Hah! My excuse is this.... I felt obligated. My friends are “serious” drinkers and I didn’t want to hear this all night “A, why aren’t you drinking?” And to share the truth isn’t really what you want to share at a Bachlorette Party. I’m also a really bad “social smoker”. I’ll have a cigerette after a few drinks. My friends are 24/7 smokers. I smoked an entire pack between Friday and Saturday night. What was I thinking? Again, I avoided the questions.

I need a lecture.

I’m hoping to get back on the Committed Bandwagon. I’m sipping my decaf coffee, so that’s a start, right!!??

Here are a few pictures from this weekend..... we really did have tons of fun!

Baby Overload

I have been handling the "new" baby news and PG announcements very well lately..... until this week. I had a PG announcement (#5 for my friend, and currently has a 6 month old) one day and then the next, a birth announcement. About 4 weeks ago, one of my friends/colleagues had her very cute baby and I was very very happy for her! Why this week did the envy set in?

I think it's because I can remember the PG announcement for each birth announcement. I can remember the exact place/time when I learned of the news. And then I ask myself, "Gosh, has it really been that long ago?" Yes, it has. Then, I become sad thinking about how many months have gone by for us, how many cycles have failed, and how it has been that long and we're still not PG. It's not a good feeling.

My heart is truly happy for all of these blessings, but my mind takes over and the envy sets in.

CD9 today after taking 25 mg of Clomid CD3-7 and forgetting to take my dose on CD4, oops! I forgot to take my temp this morning too. My head must not be screwed on right.

My First Housewarming Gift

We’re all moved in!! It’s been very hectic around here, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The new house is treating us very well! We didn’t realize what hell we lived in our 700 square foot apartment. Now living in nearly 2000 sq ft of space is quite a change! Just to go to the bathroom, I must take many more steps! :)

We had our first “gathering” at the house on Saturday night. My sister and her family came over and dh grilled some steaks! It was soooo nice to finally be able to entertain guests! We had just moved in the day before so my guest bathroom wasn’t fully equipped at all. All I had in there was toilet paper!! I was running around the house last minute trying to find hand soap, hand sanitizer, tissues, and a hand towel! It was quite funny, but it just reminds me of all of the joys of living in a house versus an apartment. I hope we never go back to living in an apartment, ever!

Yesterday morning I awoke to a pleasant surprise. My first housewarming gift knocked on the door in the form of a visit from Aunt Flo. Since I haven’t been ovulating, I’m always pleased to see AF when she arrives on her own. This cycle was 40 days. Not too bad, I can’t complain.

So now what? It’s officially CD2 today. I’m at the point where I’m willing to try anything, but if I’m honest with myself, really, I’m hesitant to go see an RE, try IUI, explore IVF, etc. I feel like we’ve only had ONE chance, so why should be move on? I’ve ovulated once on the Clomid.

So we’re going to cautiously try 25 mg of Clomid. We’re doing things a little different this time around. No sonogram on CD12, which really freaks me out, but I must trust my doctor. He’ll do b/w on CD21. Supposedly, he should be able to tell if I O’d and if I have a cyst by the results of the b/w. Really?? Ok, whatever. I’ll probably ask for a sonogram, if this cycle ends with a BFN and we move on to another Clomid cycle, just to be sure there's no cyst.

I'm still alive, I promise!!

I haven't blogged in a little over two weeks, but believe me, I've wanted/needed to so bad; however, I haven't had one available minute to actually do it!

To get you caught up, here's a little of what's been going on:
My laptop crashed on May 10th. No laptop = No job = No money = Doomed. Dh had his finals the following Monday - Thursday, so luckily he only needed his laptop a few times during the week and the other times he left it with me. I was dreading the thought that I may have to unexpectedly have to spend $600 - $700 on a new laptop if mine was totally dead. UGH. This wasn't good, because I was headed to Austin next weekend for my friend's Wedding Shower and usually that means spending more $$$. I wasn't happy at all.

THEN, Dh took our car to get the oil changed on Thursday since we were headed out of town that same day to Austin. Dh came home with BAD NEWS. Not again!?!? Really?? Yup, the radiator was leaking. So should we drive it to Austin with a car full of luggage and two small dogs? Everyone who is car smarter than us said "probably not". Not worth it to chance it. GREAT, so guess what?? Rental Car Required = $200 spent...unexpectedly. My week was horrible, to say the least!

THEN, oh it's not over..... the following week (technically this week) we were to start painting the rental house. Yay!! We got the keys, EARLY, on Saturday while we were in Austin, from our totally cool Landlord! So Monday, evening we went to Home Depot and spent $100 on paint and supplies.... eck. Well, this was expected, so I shouldn't compain, but after last week, we were hurting at this point! So we start to paint Monday evening and well....... the color is nothing like the actual swatch we choose! I kept painting thinking that it would darken up over night. Nope. Boy was I wrong. Long story short, after 4 color samples, we chose another color and spent another $125 on paint and supplies.

All in all, I should share the good news.... My FIL recommend we buy some kind of "patch" for the radiator leak from Auto Zone. We did and it worked, Thank God!! $550 repair in a $20 bottle! My laptop's hard drive went out, so $600/$700 new laptop turned into a $160 expense! And the painting is nearly DONE in the rental house. We just need to go back and do a little bit of trim painting and touch ups and it's done!!! Carpets will get cleaned next week and we'll move in on Friday!!! I'm so excited!

TTC-wise, nothing. What else is new? I haven't been charting much since my laptop died, because I lost my Ovusoft software and file. I could retrieve it, but I'll probably just start using Fertility Friend again. I do know I'm on CD32 with no O. I'll temp tomorrow just to be sure and I may even test, just to be positive.

All is good

I heard from my doctor's nurse today, FINALLY. I missed her call at 4:29 pm yesterday. She must have left the office at 4:30 pm, frustrating. Because I called her right back when I saw the missed call. Oh well. She called today while I was on the elliptical at the gym. Yup, I answered it! I wasn't gonna miss her call again.

She said that my doctor says that all of the images looked great and there was no cause for concern. I am able to take 25 mg of Clomid if I want to. I'm still undecided, actually. I didn't ask about the Metformin, because I'm crossing my fingers and toes that I actually O on my own this cycle.

During my sonogram, I saw three "larger sized" follicles, one appearing to be mature at 2 cm or so. I wanted the doctor to confirm this, but all the nurse said was that there were "multiple follicles". Well, DUH! Were they mature? dominant? small? Sometimes I wish I went into the medical field....

Today is CD16 and I've been having some pretty strong pains/feelings near my left ovary. They progressed into quick sharp pains that I have never felt before. I did have EWCM and a little bit of spotting this morning, so I'm very very hopeful I am O'ing on my own! Unfortunately, cervix still feels closed and firm, grrrr.

My body loves to play tricks on me, so I'll hope, but not too much.

Quick Update!

I didn't get to see my doctor yesterday (my choice actually....long story), but I should get a phone call with more details from my sonogram yesterday. I do know that the cyst is gone or it's very tiny at 1 cm x 2 cm. The sonographer wasn't sure if it was free fluid she was seeing, a follicle, remanance from the cyst or maybe a new cyst. Either way, I received good news and I feel FANTASTIC!! 

I'll write more details later! 

Thank you to all of my blog readers for the positive thoughts and prayers!

6 more days ... and counting.

Time flys, but I'm not having much fun, really. Can you believe it's already been a month since my last scan?

I go in on May 5th for my next ultrasound and I'm eager to see what this "little" booger has done. I have a feeling it's smaller or gone. I think my hormones are starting to regulate, due to the appearance of my temps. They are no longer erratic and mountain like. I did get AF. I think that's also a sign of regulation. I'm no longer experiencing soreness on my right side.

I just have a feeling we're going in the right direction.

I still believe I'll need some help, so I'm contemplating a very small dose of the Clomid (25 mg) and/or the Metformin. I hope to talk to the doctor about these options next week.

I just want to ovulate. Is that too much to ask?

We're packing!!!!

Can you believe it?? In our current one bedroom, 700 square feet apartment, there is NO room to store towers of boxes, so we've had to find some clever places to place them, so we're not tripping on boxes for the next few weeks. 

Yeah, it may be a little early to be packing, but if you know me by now, you know I'm a planner!! I consider us "very experienced movers". We have it figured out to a science. I do my best to clean and organize everything before I start packing boxes to ensure all items inside a box are related and go in the same place. Once they are unpacked, they are ready to be put where they belong (which is marked on the box!) and ready to be used! It doesn't always happen like this but I do my very best! The last few boxes we pack the day before the big move day end up being miscellaneous thrown together boxes. We usually move everything in one day, and I mean EVERYTHING! We're not slow, "a little bit at a time" movers. We like to get it over with in one day!

We're hoping to move in the weekend of May 30th or June 6th. It all depends on when we get the keys. We may get the keys EARLY, and I'm so excited! We weren't suuposed to get the keys until June 1st, but the owner is going to let us have the keys the weekend of May 16th or the 23rd!  Wahoo!!  Hoping the 16th, because this gives us more time to paint!! Yes! The owner is allowing us to paint! I've chosen this color. It's called Raffia Cream by Behr! 

The house currently has a yellow in the living room, a blue in the bathroom, dark grey in the guest bedroom and dark green in the study. I'm not too happy with any of the colors, so we'll just paint everything a nuetral color that will hopefully match everything!! 

I’m so proud of my body!

Since May 2008 (nearly one whole year), my body hasn’t has a “normal” period on its own. I have always had to take Prometrium/Provera to bring on a bleed. I’ve also had one cycle with Clomid where I did indeed ovulate, which ended in a BFN. This cycle has been unmedicated due to the cyst. I haven’t taken any Clomid in 2 months. On CD40, I was thinking “Here we go again!”. Another LONG cycle is in my near future. I was discouraged on the chance of O’ing due to the cyst, but AF arrived on her own this time!! I’m so proud!

I’m about 95% I didn’t O this cycle, so this is annovulatory bleeding, but I’m grateful. I think this is a good sign, right? My hormones actually did something right to bring on AF on its own?

My next appointment to check on the cyst is May 5th and coincidently that is CD14, the exact day they would do a normal scan to check on follicles! It would be a miracle if my cyst was gone (or I’d be ok with a tiny cyst too) and I had a good follicle! I’m wondering if they’d give me the trigger to release the egg! I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I’m trying to have a positive outlook!

APPROVED!!

We found out Friday night that we were approved for the house! This weekend has been so busy that I haven’t even had time to get excited about! My In-Laws have already asked when they can come up and stay the weekend! YAY!!

So let me introduce you to the place we will call home very soon!

- 1920 square feet
- 3 bedrooms, 2 bath
- Office w/ French Doors
- Formal Dining Room

The master bath has a separate shower and garden tub with a HUGE walk-in closet! A Black side by side Frigidaire Refrigerator is included. The home has an 8-ft privacy fence, large backyard patio and most importantly a backyard for our dogs!!

The house is everything we wanted and are truly blessed to have found such a great place. We would have paid at least $1300/month for this kind of house, but got a great deal at only $1200/month! And we’re paying $500 less than we anticipated in pet and security deposits, so we’ll have extra cash to find a washer and dryer! Wahoo!!

It looks like the owner is going to allow us to paint some of the walls, so we’ll sign the lease a little earlier than originally planned. We have our apartment will June 15th, but will sign the lease for the rental home as of June 1st. That will give us some time to paint, move in and get our apartment all cleaned and ready to turn over.

Finally something actually goes our way!!

In TTC news – Not much. It’s CD 40 (I think). I’m not charting, but need to. I have been pretty sore around my cyst, but I have been pretty active lately. I’ve stayed away from working out since they’ve found the cyst and partnered with not eating right has brought 10 extra pounds onto my backside. I’m returning to the gym this week. I’ve got to. I’ll just take it easy and see how my body responds.

New Home

I’ve been known to act on things way before necessary. What can I say, I’m a planner. I plan way ahead than I’m supposed to. Oh well. Just call me organized and overly prepared!

Our lease is up in 2 months and we are 110% positive we’ll be moving from our very cozy 1 bedroom apartment into a rental home. We’ve rented a home before and we miss it very much.

Unfortunately, I have some restrictions with our next home. It must have a Formal Dining Room AND room for a dedicated office space. One is a need (the office) and one is a want (the dining). Our families are large and very close, so I’m hoping to utilize the formal dining for Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year. We will also need a Guest Room. So all in all, we are looking for a 3 bedroom home, with a separate study (or formal living to use as an office), and a formal dining. We’re hoping to find a home with at least 1700 sq ft and a 2 car garage.

Last week, I was snooping on craigslist and found the perfect home! Everything we were looking for, but it was over our budget at $1300/month. It was P-E-R-F-E-C-T, but I had to pass it up, because of the high rent. I pouted and never looked back. Today, again I’m snooping, just looking to see what’s available......and I see the listing again, except this time it’s $1200 a month!! Now we’re talking.....I can afford a $100 monthly savings!

Long story short, we ended up talking to the owner today and visiting the property for a viewing! It was beautiful! We’re beginning the application process tomorrow. I don’t want to jinx myself, so I’m saving the details till after we find out if we’re approved. Crossing my fingers....

Best Friends Forever

Yes, they are still attached - my right ovary and it's new friend - a 5 cm cyst. Yes, it's decreased in size, which I thank God! The doctor is optimistic it will go away on it's own. It's no longer a questionable Tumor. It's benign and an Ovulatory Cyst. The fact that it's decreasing in size is a very good sign and frankly, I'm very thankful. I am a little upset that it hasn’t disappeared, but I'm grateful for what I've been given and that's a smaller cyst. I go back in another 4 weeks to see what it has done. Please keep praying!

I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I asked my husband "Why?" and he says "Just Because!" Of course, I wonder if he's been thinking we may receive bad news today and he was trying to cushion the fall. The flowers are beautiful and quite fragrant! I sat down in my office and smelt the fragrance immediately. I thought to myself "Dang, it smells good in here!" - ignoring the fact that it actually smelt good and not the usual bad. It wasn't until I placed a business receipt on one of my shelves and realized someone had moved a stack of books and piled them on my 2008 receipts (waiting to be dealt with). Then I noticed a big bouquet of lilies on the shelf above! It was a beautiful and quite uplifting surprise! :)

5 more days

Conceiving our first child has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s not “Baby Fever”. It’s been more of a yearning. I don’t know what triggered it. Maybe it’s that the one week mark past. As of today, I have 5 more days to go until my next ultrasound to check my new cyst.

I have a “feeling” that it’s decreased in size, but honestly, considering I had no pain prior to finding this cyst and I still have no pain, I can say it’s all in my head. I’m hoping so much it’s decreased or gone and I’m convinced in my mind, it has.

Since the news of the cyst emerged, I’ve told our immediate families about TTC. I’ve been extremely grateful with the amount of encouraging words and prayer they all have provided. DH’s Grandmother and Aunt attend the same church and they asked if they could add me to their “prayer list” at their church. I graciously accepted. I appreciate any and all of the prayers from friends, family, and everyone.

After the discovering of the cyst, AF arrived very early on CD12. This cycle I haven’t been charting religiously. I suppose I’ve been discouraged with this cyst. I’m currently on CD23 and unsure if I even ovulated this cycle. My gut says no. If AF hasn’t arrived, I may request blood work at my ultrasound appointment, which will be CD28. I suppose I could test before I go too…