Sensitive

I am an infertile who works for an OB/GYN. My daily tasks and responsibilities rarely trigger my own infertile emotions, until recently. I don't know why or what has changed, but lately I've been thinking about being infertile very often!

I actually do think I know what it is... a baby shower invitation. My friend, T, is having her 4th daughter in June and the shower is planned for mid-May. I won't be attending; however, I have been shopping for baby girl items and it's so fun! I kept finding some really neat items that made me say in my head "I'll definitely have to buy that when I get PG!" or "My daughter will definitely have a pair of those shoes!" Then I ask myself, "when will it be my turn to be PG?" and "will I ever have my own daughter to buy for?". I've resorted to saying aloud "I can't have children." when people ask when we're going to get PG. It's amazing that I'm comfortable with my PCOS and I've allowed myself to accept that at this time, I can't have children, but it hurts extremely to say those words.

At work, as I was screening an OB patient, I asked "When are you due?", her answer was "I don't know. I know it was sometime in March, because I quit taking my birth control and this was the first month we tried!!" WOW. Really? I wanted to scream at her - "Do you realize how blessed you are?", but I refrained.

I've been crying a lot more than normal. I'm not depressed (yet), just wondering if I'll ever get my chance. Notice I say "IF" now, and not "when".

4 pounds down...

Since meeting Abby (our meeting being one of my greatest inspirations at the point), I've lost 4 pounds!! This is big! Yes.... I know, it may be "water weight" or whatever, but to me it's still 4 pounds.... gone! I feel better and believe or not, I feel slimmer.... already! Maybe it's all in my head... like many other things.

What am I doing? I'm eating Abby Style - no butter, no oil - on anything! I'm limiting my carbs, especially with white bread or other white products. I'm eating lots of veggies and fruits. Eating organic whenever possible! I've stopped drinking (for the most part) until my birthday! And started my workout regimen. It's all things I know how to do. I've done them all before. I know what works for me. I just need to STICK TO IT!

One important thing this time is I'm not going to cut myself off from anything. One thing I learned from spending an evening with Abby is that you can "treat" yourself. She was drinking alcohol AND eating foods at a Mexican Restaurant. She made good choices, but she didn't push away anything at all. She knew she didn't need a bowl of queso, but when it was ordered and offered to her, she couldn't resist. She pulled out one small chip, took a small scoop and savored it! And that was it! She ate chicken fajitas (no oil, no butter) with corn tortillas. She mentioned that the two days prior she ran/walked 8 miles total because she knew she was not going to be eating "smart" the next day and she mentioned she'd be doing the same tomorrow!

As I struggled to run yesterday, I thought about Abby many many times! I kept seeing her in my mind as the "old" Abby and knowing that she felt this same way when she started her journey. It probably sucked and she probably wanted to stop and walk, but I kept pushing, because I know that's what she did, and if she was here she'd push me to keep going. I also kept thinking about my ovulation issues. If my body learns to ovulate on it's own, as a result of this, wow, what a reward that would be! I may feel like I won the lottery! And lastly, the feeling to finally conceive, the ultimate gift of all, .... I kept running.

From 189.5 to 185.5.

Admiration

I met a very inspiring woman Monday night! Her name is Abby Rike and if you’re a huge fan of the Biggest Loser series, her name should definitely ring a bell! She’s actually the sister of one of my brother in law’s friends and DH and I had the honor of hanging out with her last night! She’s an amazing amazing woman!!

If you’re unfamiliar with her story, I’ll give you a very brief summary....

In 2007, she lost her husband, her 5 year old daughter, and her 2 week old newborn son in a head on collision. She turned to food for comfort and became overweight. When she started the show last season, she was 247 and lost a total of 100 pounds!!



I asked her many questions, but I tried not to smother her! I was definitely star struck! It was refreshing to know that she was a genuine sweet and kind woman. Her star status hasn’t gotten the best of her. She actually laughs it off in many cases!

Meeting her was the greatest motivation to get my butt in gear! I make tons of excuses why I “can’t” make working out and eating healthy a priority. I need to learn to fit it into my busy schedule. It’s going to be extremely hard, but I need to do this. I’ve been saying “I need to do this.” for so long. I think it’s time (actually very overdue) I do something about it! I'm finally ready. And I'm gonna do this!!

Husbandless

DH flew to Tempe today to visit ASU. I’ve received a few text messages, but no full reports. I do know he was going to have a very busy day today. I’m really excited for him, but he knows my heart will remain in Texas!

I actually told him not to go last night! We found out last night that he’s getting a total of $15K in grants and scholarship! Yahooooo! With student loans, we will only need to pay a couple thousand dollars out of pocket for his first year. We do not know if all of the grants and scholarships are renewable, so we still need to get the details on that! TCU is looking to be DH’s top choice at this point, but he still wanted to visit ASU as it’s a potential top contender for grad school down the road.

TTC hasn’t been on our radar lately. Unfortunately, it’s taken a back seat to everything. Once everything settles down AND the weight I’m carrying comes off, we’ll probably rejoin the TTC club. Until then, we’re making some life changes with the way we eat, what we buy and, of course, our education! All is good! I think back about when I was extremely stressed and I’m content knowing we’ve made some drastic but fantastic changes and we’ll receive what we want soon!

My life as I knew it forever changed

I hate making a choice or decision as a result of something I witnessed on TV, on the news, or a movie. In this case, it was a documentary that changed my life. It wasn’t solely the documentary. I have always walked through life and crossed paths with “small mentions” of what the documentary focused on and I’ve already implemented small changes into my life that affected my daily habits; however, the documentary, Food Inc., was the last, not so subtle, mention that finally made me take the huge jump to change the rest of my life.


I hope this blog isn’t “preachy”. I hope to never ever preach what I now believe. I hope to never come across as “I eat better than you. Why don’t you eat like me!?” I’m still learning and I’m very very much a newbie at this, but I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m researching, reading, and asking questions. One day I hope to be able to answer questions confidentially and accurately.

Here’s only a tiny bit of what I’ve learned. These statements are what I wish I had known years ago...

- approximately 75% of all processed food contain GMOs (genetically modified organisms). A GMO example, the genes from an arctic flounder, which has “antifreeze” properties may be spliced into a tomato to prevent frost damage. (From Saynotogmos.org).  In the US, there are no laws requiring foods and products containing GMOs to be labeled. The effect of GMOs in humans have not been thoroughly tested. Animal feeding studies have resulted in pre-cancerous cell growth, damaged immune systems, smaller brains, livers, and testicles, partial atrophy or increased density of the liver, odd shaped cell nuclei and other unexplained anomalies, false pregnancies and higher death rates.(From NonGMOShoppingGuide) It’s a completely different story in Europe where more vigorous testing has been performed. Most of Europe is GMO-Free. Why aren’t we!?!?




- At “processing” plants and slaughters, pigs are being “herded” by machines, suffocated, and then “processed”. The disgusting sound of high pitched shrieking before being suffocated will never leave my memory.

- Cows are grass-fed animals; however, in the US, farmers are feeding these animals corn filled with supplements, antibiotics, and growth hormones. The vision of live fearful cows being moved around by a fork lift, because the cow can no longer stand on its own legs (due to the weight of its own body) will also never leave my memory for as long as I live. It’s inhumane and all for MONEY! more information on beef

- It’s the same story with chickens. They are raised in large farm houses. They never see the light of the sun. They are not allowed to roam free. Only allowed to grow while being packed one on top of another. They walk in each others feces and on top of other dead carcasses that have died because they too cannot walk because of the weight put on their joints. It’s inhumane and again, all for the most MONEY!

I was slowly killing myself and my family. My life has changed. I will no longer support disrespect to animals and GMOs (until it is more thoroughly tested in humans). I will eat Organic whenever possible. I will nourish my body. And I will teach my children the same.

Here are a couple of articles written involving our children and our fertility: GMOs linked to Infertility | Avoiding GMOs in Your Baby's Food Source

And more: GMOs Linked to Organ Failure

The Bright Side - “only” 35 days

It’s become a little old, I suppose, to complain about not O’ing or no BFP, so I’m looking at the bright side of things.... this cycle was only 35 days long. Pretty good, eh!? Last year at this time, I would have been amongst my 150 day cycle. Then, I saw “regularity” in 40 days. Now, 35 days. Pretty Cool.

My stress level has risen almost back to the level it was a few months ago. Dh’s transfer decision is really really stressing me out. I work for a very very caring doctor who is very aware of dh’s transfer opportunities. Last week he blatantly asked me, “So has he made a decision yet!?” My answer turned into two solid days of “college decision” conversation. I got no work done! Ugh.

I need to be confident dh will make the right decision for all of the right reasons. I would love to stay in Texas for another couple of years; however, it’s not entirely my decision. If moving somewhere else so he can get a better education is realistic financially, then why not move!? It’s just such a big decision. The idea was so easy to fantasize about; however, now that I know he’s been accepted to now TWO out of state colleges (Yes, University of Pittsburgh says accepted too!) and we could very well be moving.... it’s freaking me out.

Is it the right decision? Will I be able to find a job? Will I like my job? Will we be able to find an affordable place to live? Will dh get the best education wherever he chooses? Will we be happy?

It’s very overwhelming.

Busy, but very Bad Blogger of me.

Wow, I’ve been a bad bad blogger. Next week would have been one month since my last blog post...eeecckkkk!

I realize I’ve been pretty boring lately. School is keeping me very busy and I haven’t had much time to myself. That’s ok though, it’s all for a good reason!

As of today, I’m extremely motivated to stay in school and graduate! Of course, it helps that I’m doing really well so far. Last weekend I learned that I got the highest test grade in my college algebra class!! Toot toot! And my second essay for English was another A! Toot toot! So I’m saying to myself: “Wow! I can really do this!”

And of course having a genius for a husband is also a great motivator! He learned last week that he was accepted to Arizona State University! He’s planning on visiting the campus early April!!

I’m 100% positive I did not O this cycle. What else is new right? So the Soy did not work. Again … what else is new? Dh and I are both trying to eat well and workout. We’ve started working out at school and may start going for a run in the mornings! I’m really trying this time, so in time, we’ll see how much I’m able to lose and if my cycles will be affected in any way… It’s a waiting game again, I suppose. And quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of waiting, but I only have myself to blame.

AF hasn’t shown, but I think she may be knocking. I’m on CD35-ish. Which is normal for me, of course.

a turn, a fork in the road, ... more uncertainty

I should be more of a follower. I need to learn how to be a follower rather than a leader. I told dh that he wasn’t allowed to go to school out of state, because of MY (new) job. How dare I? What gives me the power to say that? A month ago I would have said for financial reasons, but really how much money are we really talking here? Not enough to sacrifice his education.

I don’t know what came over me today. I was sitting at work and thought “Are we making the right decision by staying here in Texas?” TCU is a great school, but is it the best? He deserves the best. WE deserve the best. After a few minutes, I tried to brush off the thought and say “Yes, of course. We’re making the right decision and we’re VERY happy with it.” I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Almost like my brain was talking, but my heart was screaming louder.

After a short gmail chat session, dh told me he’s happy going to TCU, but will be happier going to an out of state school. So here we go - back on the roller coaster…

He’ll be sending out more applications by the end of the week!

My 1st English Paper

...and I got an A! 95/100 to be exact! I'm really proud of myself, because English is NOT my strong point. I'm taking it online, so I have no excuse to NOT go to class - hah!

So our first paper was to be written about something we strongly believed in. There were many more requirements, but I won't bore you. I titled it "The Gift". It's funny because a few posts ago, my blog was titled "The Gift". It's a little different in my paper - more personal.

I'll let you read it here:

The Gift
Where did you come from? How were you created? If you believe in a higher power, you may mention God in your answer. Or you may say your mother gave birth to you. We rarely think beyond our births, probably due to the horrid idea that our parents participated in that activity called sexual intercourse, but what if we keep thinking? How did your feet land on this earth? What did your mother do prior to the activity that was such an integral part of your creation? She ovulated. For females, second to becoming a mother, I believe ovulation is the greatest gift. Yes – the ability for an ovary to release an egg.

Working in the industry of Obstetrics and Gynecology I see countless young women, often teenagers and barely twenty-somethings with perfectly plump bellies, come into our office to be treated for their unplanned pregnancies. They are all unable to pay for their prenatal care and future deliveries, so most of them are on government assistance. Also, these young women rarely have the fathers by their side. Amongst so much negativity, with the exception of the beautiful life growing inside them, I often wonder if these young women know they have the gift.

Or the women who are trying to conceive with the aid of fertility treatments. Their faces cringe when they learn they will be required to swallow large pills and inject their own abdomens with fertility drugs daily. Then, two weeks after ovulation, tears roll down their faces as a pink negative sign appears on the piece of plastic they just urinated on. But, do they know they have the gift?

I realize there are women who have gone through intense labor pains to deliver their dead infants who unexpectedly passed inside their womb. I acknowledge there are women who have become pregnant, almost as many times as they possess fingers, only to experience a miscarriage a few weeks later. I recognize all of that and pray for those women daily; however, I still wonder; do they realize they have the gift?

Roughly twelve times a year, all fertile females produce the gift, often having no idea at all, going on with normal facets of life. We all exist today, because our mothers had the gift. I do not have the gift. I yearn for the gift, for the chance to someday obtain the ultimate gift of all – to be a mom.

The acceptance is in

We’ve been talking about this moment for the past 2 years. We’ve wished and hoped it would come and here it is.





TCU (Texas Christian University) says “Accepted”! This acceptance followed 2 others – University of North Texas and the University of Texas at Arlington, but dh’s heart was set on the purple!

I am so incredibly proud of him. I couldn’t quite express how I felt yesterday, but it’s extreme proud with a lot of admiration mixed in. I’ve returned to college and I’m confident I can achieve my goal this second time around. I’ve witnessed his passion and drive and it’s unlike no other.

Our next hurdle is affording it. We will need to rely heavily on scholarships and financial aid. I’m not stressed out about it (yet). I’m positive whatever it costs will be worth it in the end.

In TTC news, AF arrived 4 days ago. I’m not positive I ovulated last cycle. My guess is no, so I’m grateful my cycle was only 35 days! Dh would like to try Soy Iso (the herbal equivalent of Clomid), so I took my first dose last night before bed. Of course, we’re not being monitored, so I’ll need to be careful and constantly tune into what I’m feeling in fear of developing a cyst.

Personal Essay

My current assignment is a personal essay. We have to write about something we believe. It was extremely difficult to figure out what my topic would be, but I think I've got it hammered down - stay tuned! In the meantime, I just had to share this essay with all of my fellow infertiles and those of you who are going through or gone through adoption. Enjoy!

Click here for the audio version.

Becoming a Parent is a Gift

I no longer believe my wife and I are going to have a baby the old-fashioned way, but I no longer think this really matters. I believe in adoption now. Four months ago, the Chinese government accepted our dossier. In the next year or two, a little girl will be born and her parents will not want her. My wife and I will fly to China to meet this girl and bring her home with us.

When I was a teenager, everyone said becoming a parent was easy — so easy, I had to be careful not to do it accidentally. I guess it’s easy for a lot of other people, but not for me and my wife.

I’m 39. My wife is 31. For the last two years, I’ve watched this woman I love inject herself with needles full of hormone syrup. She got huge bruises on each side of her waist.

Our friends would bring their kids over to visit and we’d hang up their tiny coats, hoping some magic would rub off on our hands. When it didn’t, we started avoiding any place we’d see the one thing we wanted so desperately. Our own neighborhood became awkward. The woman across the street emerged in the spring with a giant belly. My wife and I stopped going to parks and matinees. Taking our clothes off became a medical procedure; we obeyed the calendar instead of each other’s eyes. I’d see young couples pushing strollers in the grocery store and I’d taste jealousy like pennies in my mouth. I used to believe that becoming a parent was part of our biology. It was something everyone could do. When I couldn’t make a baby, I felt a little less human.

I teach in a prison, a medium-security facility full of men. I help guys write letters when they ask. Most of the letters are to girlfriends and ex-wives. I don’t see long letters to children. I feel lost opportunity all around me. I can see that becoming a parent is much more than our biology.

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you. Now, I want my family to include a little girl who looks nothing like me or my wife. Someday I’ll lean across a table and cut this little girl’s green beans. I’ll meet her teachers. I’ll see her bicycle standing in the garage. I love the idea that this girl will grow up to be a woman and still look nothing like me, but whenever she hears the word “dad,” she’ll think of me.

People think we’re good or generous because we’re giving a home to an orphan, and giving her a family but the truth is she’ll be giving us a family. I believe in adoption because it will make me the man I want to be: a father.

Chris Huntington - Indianapolis, Indiana
As heard on NPR’s npr.org, June 17, 2007

Wow. Really? My chart.

Take a look at my chart. I'm not sure it's ever looked this good. I did nothing this cycle. Just relaxed, stress free (for the most part) and trying to do my best at enjoying life.


It looks impressive. I've been deceived many times in the past and it's hard to say the words "I Ovulated." So I'm taking it day by day. When will I be convinced? I dunno.

Dh is excited though. It's great to feel like we may have A CHANCE this cycle. I've never felt like I had "a chance" due to being annov.

School & Prayers

I started school today - college. Wow. I haven't been in college in 8 years! I've been dreading it, because "available time" is non-existent at the moment; however, today (of all days) I was actually giddy about it! I actually considered putting blogging off till tomorrow just so that I could do my school work, even though it's not even due till Monday! Hah! This is going to be a very interesting time in my life.

Prayers - It absolutely amazes me that people pray for dh and I and our journey of dealing with infertility. I am just so surprised to hear that someone prays for us daily. Wow. Picture my jaw hitting the ground ...and unable to pick it up. That's me.

If you pray for me, thank you!

Talking again.

If you walk down the hall at my office, you'll hear the most beautiful sound - a baby's heartbeat. Sometimes I have to make my legs keep walking because I want to stop and listen.

I really haven't wanted to bring it up, really, with everything going on. But I can't ignore "that feeling". I hate calling it "Baby Fever". Sounds so childish. So we're talking about it again.

I want to actively TTC, but I really should try to lose some weight, but I have absolutely no discipline whatsoever. I make excuses and don't try 100%. I just want it to happen on it's own. I don't want to have to work at it. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I don't know what it's gonna take - not getting a BFP - getting my ass into gear and realizing that this won't just happen on it's own. I NEED to make some changes for my health and my child's health. What is it gonna take, really? I dunno.

Sometimes I feel so motivated, then something happens and I fall. I don't know what it's gonna take to get back up... but I'm gonna try to figure it out.

The Gift

I've been a BAD blogger, I know. It's only representative of how life is going for me right now! I'm working 8 hour days again, then coming home and trying to spend another hour or two on my company, then dinner, then spending time with hubby, ... ugh. My days are officially overloaded!

Dh has taken over running my company! Thankfully, we're picking up and I'm so relieved! I will not quit my job, because I LOVE it. I love my company, but I'm really really loving what I "used to do" again. Although, today I came home irate. It wasn't anything having to do with my job. It was a patient.

Said patient delivered by c-section 4 weeks ago. For pain management she was prescribed pain meds. She has asked for the pain meds to be refilled TWICE in 4 weeks! Today she called to tell us that she was in the ER and they said she had a major pelvic infection. She came in to see the doctor today and asked for more drugs. The doctor told her he suspected abuse and he was not going to prescribe any more pain meds. He told her that if she was in that much pain, she need to be admitted to the hospital.

We saw her at the end of the day, so I won't know if she actually admitted herself into the hospital, but how can people like this exist? It just makes me so mad!!

She has no idea that being a mother is a gift! A gift that some people never ever receive, when it's the only thing they ever want.

To top it off, her first baby was born with some deformities. She gave that baby up for adoption. When she got PG with this baby, she said she'd do the same if it was born with deformities. UGH! I wanted to scream and cry!