Sensitive

I am an infertile who works for an OB/GYN. My daily tasks and responsibilities rarely trigger my own infertile emotions, until recently. I don't know why or what has changed, but lately I've been thinking about being infertile very often!

I actually do think I know what it is... a baby shower invitation. My friend, T, is having her 4th daughter in June and the shower is planned for mid-May. I won't be attending; however, I have been shopping for baby girl items and it's so fun! I kept finding some really neat items that made me say in my head "I'll definitely have to buy that when I get PG!" or "My daughter will definitely have a pair of those shoes!" Then I ask myself, "when will it be my turn to be PG?" and "will I ever have my own daughter to buy for?". I've resorted to saying aloud "I can't have children." when people ask when we're going to get PG. It's amazing that I'm comfortable with my PCOS and I've allowed myself to accept that at this time, I can't have children, but it hurts extremely to say those words.

At work, as I was screening an OB patient, I asked "When are you due?", her answer was "I don't know. I know it was sometime in March, because I quit taking my birth control and this was the first month we tried!!" WOW. Really? I wanted to scream at her - "Do you realize how blessed you are?", but I refrained.

I've been crying a lot more than normal. I'm not depressed (yet), just wondering if I'll ever get my chance. Notice I say "IF" now, and not "when".

4 pounds down...

Since meeting Abby (our meeting being one of my greatest inspirations at the point), I've lost 4 pounds!! This is big! Yes.... I know, it may be "water weight" or whatever, but to me it's still 4 pounds.... gone! I feel better and believe or not, I feel slimmer.... already! Maybe it's all in my head... like many other things.

What am I doing? I'm eating Abby Style - no butter, no oil - on anything! I'm limiting my carbs, especially with white bread or other white products. I'm eating lots of veggies and fruits. Eating organic whenever possible! I've stopped drinking (for the most part) until my birthday! And started my workout regimen. It's all things I know how to do. I've done them all before. I know what works for me. I just need to STICK TO IT!

One important thing this time is I'm not going to cut myself off from anything. One thing I learned from spending an evening with Abby is that you can "treat" yourself. She was drinking alcohol AND eating foods at a Mexican Restaurant. She made good choices, but she didn't push away anything at all. She knew she didn't need a bowl of queso, but when it was ordered and offered to her, she couldn't resist. She pulled out one small chip, took a small scoop and savored it! And that was it! She ate chicken fajitas (no oil, no butter) with corn tortillas. She mentioned that the two days prior she ran/walked 8 miles total because she knew she was not going to be eating "smart" the next day and she mentioned she'd be doing the same tomorrow!

As I struggled to run yesterday, I thought about Abby many many times! I kept seeing her in my mind as the "old" Abby and knowing that she felt this same way when she started her journey. It probably sucked and she probably wanted to stop and walk, but I kept pushing, because I know that's what she did, and if she was here she'd push me to keep going. I also kept thinking about my ovulation issues. If my body learns to ovulate on it's own, as a result of this, wow, what a reward that would be! I may feel like I won the lottery! And lastly, the feeling to finally conceive, the ultimate gift of all, .... I kept running.

From 189.5 to 185.5.

Admiration

I met a very inspiring woman Monday night! Her name is Abby Rike and if you’re a huge fan of the Biggest Loser series, her name should definitely ring a bell! She’s actually the sister of one of my brother in law’s friends and DH and I had the honor of hanging out with her last night! She’s an amazing amazing woman!!

If you’re unfamiliar with her story, I’ll give you a very brief summary....

In 2007, she lost her husband, her 5 year old daughter, and her 2 week old newborn son in a head on collision. She turned to food for comfort and became overweight. When she started the show last season, she was 247 and lost a total of 100 pounds!!



I asked her many questions, but I tried not to smother her! I was definitely star struck! It was refreshing to know that she was a genuine sweet and kind woman. Her star status hasn’t gotten the best of her. She actually laughs it off in many cases!

Meeting her was the greatest motivation to get my butt in gear! I make tons of excuses why I “can’t” make working out and eating healthy a priority. I need to learn to fit it into my busy schedule. It’s going to be extremely hard, but I need to do this. I’ve been saying “I need to do this.” for so long. I think it’s time (actually very overdue) I do something about it! I'm finally ready. And I'm gonna do this!!

Husbandless

DH flew to Tempe today to visit ASU. I’ve received a few text messages, but no full reports. I do know he was going to have a very busy day today. I’m really excited for him, but he knows my heart will remain in Texas!

I actually told him not to go last night! We found out last night that he’s getting a total of $15K in grants and scholarship! Yahooooo! With student loans, we will only need to pay a couple thousand dollars out of pocket for his first year. We do not know if all of the grants and scholarships are renewable, so we still need to get the details on that! TCU is looking to be DH’s top choice at this point, but he still wanted to visit ASU as it’s a potential top contender for grad school down the road.

TTC hasn’t been on our radar lately. Unfortunately, it’s taken a back seat to everything. Once everything settles down AND the weight I’m carrying comes off, we’ll probably rejoin the TTC club. Until then, we’re making some life changes with the way we eat, what we buy and, of course, our education! All is good! I think back about when I was extremely stressed and I’m content knowing we’ve made some drastic but fantastic changes and we’ll receive what we want soon!