6 weeks & 19 months

This pregnancy hits 6 weeks today. I'm expecting the nausea alarms to go off TO-DAY. ::::knocking hard on wood::: I have no symptoms. No sickness. Very occasionally bouts of queasiness. The only two aliments I've experienced thus far are round ligament pain (RLP) and ovarian pain.

I knew the RLP would be worse for me with this pregnancy, but I didn't know I'd start feeling it the.day.of.my.BFP. Geeeesh. It has improved though.

The ovarian pain was pretty painful 2 nights ago. I actually considered going in to the ER. I was freaking myself out that it was a possible ectopic. Don't google, "At what week does ectopic pain start?" Because, all of the answer will be 5.5 weeks, which I *was* 5.5 weeks. Ugh. This ovarian pain felt like I was having a strong ovulation. I chalked it up to be pain from the corpus luteum cyst. I was able to sleep that night, and the pain was gone in morning and hasn't returned! Whew.

NYE today. 2012 was very good to us. Looking forward to a very challenging 2013!

First OB appointment on Thursday! :)

Aiyana is 19 months today! Here is some recent pics of my beauty!

Ok, so I *did* give up...

I'm upset with myself that I gave up on blogging, but, honestly, I'm figuring out that I wasn't doing it for Aiyana. It has always been for myself. I'm content with the big lapse in time on my blog, because I have tons and tons of memories and photographs to remind me of what was going on in my life during that time.

It has certainly been absolutely busy! We are juggling SO many things right now. Things haven't changed much since my April update.

- We are still preparing ourselves for an out of state move in the summer. It's not 100%, but it's possible.
- I'm still dabbling in Photography. Not sewing so much at the moment.
- I'm giving more attention to my business, because I'm hoping it thrives in 2013. It used to allow me to work from home.
- I'm still working full time.
- John is still in school full time. He will graduate in May!!

Some new things:
- we've adopted a new lifestyle called Paleo
- and as a result I've lost more weight
- but all of those pounds don't matter, because I'm PREGNANT!

We found out on Saturday! I promised John I wouldn't test during the week, because it was his finals week. Luckily, Friday morning I got a BFN. Friday was his last exam day. I was worried if it came up positive I wouldn't be able to keep it from him. Saturday morning it was positive! Our completely natural Christmas BFP! 

I love how my blog was a sort of journal of my pregnancy with Aiyana, so I can't stay away now. I'm back, and hopefully it's for good! If you're my friend on FB, please don't say anything on my wall. We haven't announced on FB yet.

6 months

{You know what's really confusing and hard for me to grasp? In November 2011, Aiyana wasn't 6 months yet, so why is this post named 6 months and my last post was "5 months"? Technically, she didn't turn 6 months until the last day of November. Oh well. It's my blog. Just go with it... Aiyana was 6 months in November 2011... not really, but whatever.}

November was FULL of firsts!!

11/1 - officially rolling over
She hates being on her belly for tummy time! Hates. So I'm not one bit surprised she waited so long to master the roll.

11/1 - first solids - applesauce
I was in no hurry to shove a spoon in Aiyana's face. I read up on Baby Led Weaning and loved it, but didn't really feel the need to follow it to a T. I was going to listen to Aiyana and let her tell me when she was interested. I didn't really know how I would know... Like, I knew she wouldn't just come out and say "Hey! Mom! Give me some of that pizza!! Now!" Well... she kinda did... actually.

It was pizza delivery night at our household, and John and I were enjoying our pizza in the living room. (I know! Really bad habit.) Aiyana was in her exersaucer... moaning, whining, yelling... and jumping! This was unusual for her. She's always quite content unless she needs something... like MY PIZZA! She was clearly staring at my food and then, over at John's food. Wow. She's telling me she wants some... ok. (Blank stare at pizza.) There's nothing on my pizza she could have... The only thing in the house that I could offer her was applesauce! And she ATE it! She loved it. She moved it around in her mouth, opened her mouth when she wanted more, and swallowed it with no chocking! My "First Time Mommy" Gut felt good, and not because it was full of yummy horribly unhealthy pizza. But because I listened to her cues and followed, and I felt good about that!

11/27 - cut first tooth
Luckily, no major issues! Just a little fussy at times!

11/23 - sticks tougue out and blows.
I don't know who taught her that! :P

11/25 - started her fake laugh

So funny! 

Thanksgiving was amazing! John and I have so much to be thankful for. 

Black Friday - The day that may have changed my life forever. My sister and I stood in line for hours at Best Buy in the FREEZING cold! It was so worth it! 

I've always wanted to buy a DSLR and learn how to shoot in Manual. I've become very frustrated with my point and shoot camera. It's a great camera when it's in the right mood, but any other time I get crap. 

Here are some shots from the first 48 hours with The Rebel:

And Aiyana's 6 month picture!

Post Birthday Party Day

There's a pile of pinwheels in the trash - pinwheels John and I spent many late nights creating by hand. :( It's so hard to throw them away, but it's silly to hold onto 50+ pinwheels as keepsakes. Such a sad feeling. I refused to throw away her flag banner, so we hung it in her room for her to enjoy!

NOW I completely understand the 1st Birthday Denial - when Moms choose to ignore the rapid growth of their newborn and adopt the strong denial of toddler-hood.

Yesterday was Aiyana's party, and it was an EXTREMELY stressful and exhausting day. I have little ability to delegate, and I attempt to take on too much. I have a perfect vision, and I don't stop short of making it a reality. By party time, I wasn't in the best of moods. :( I tried to avoid the bad mood by planning this party MONTHS ahead of time, but I waited till the last minute to start making decisions. :( Oh well. I won't dwell. It turned out to be an absolutely beautiful party for Aiyana, and no one even noticed what was "missing" because I ran out of time! :P


Today, I'm experiencing something called relaxation and it's SO strange. I keep thinking "There's something I should/could be doing right now!" AND I'm off from work tomorrow.... my body might go into convulsions soon. :)

Her actual birthday is on Thursday. John and I plan to continue celebrating on Wednesday night when we'll take her to a Ranger game, and on Thursday when we'll have a family picnic at the park, depending on the heat. :) 

5 months

{Aiyana was 5 months in October 2011. Today is May 2012. Pitiful, I tell ya. This blog post was in "drafts" unfinished, never posted... till now.}

October was filled with lots and lots of firsts! Our fun bucket over flowed this month. Having this child in our life is such an absolute joy...

Some things I don't want to forget about Aiyana's 5th month...

- First pony tail (10/8/11): So of course her hair was super long when she was born, but, boy, has it grown! We were very fortunate never to hit that hair loss or bald spot period... Her hair has continued to stay strong and continued to grow and grow. Her hair doesn't relax well after air drying, so I got a little fed up and pulled it up... viola... and our first pony tail!

- First pig tails (10/22/11):  After a couple weeks of pony tails, we need a little variety, so we tried pig tails on a gameday and these came out perfectly!

- First visit to the pumpkin patch.

- First Halloween
Aiyana was a Bumble Bee, and Mommy had tons of fun piecing her costume together. I knew we wouldn't be trick or treating, so we needed something simple and comfortable. It was "made" out of a simple yellow onesie w/ a Mommy-made felt stinger velcroed to the bootie... black and yellow striped baby legs... and a crocheted hat w/ built in stingers! The entire costume cost me no more than $25!

We attended our first Halloween Party, and she won the costume contest! :P

- This month she also started making this "squish"/gargaling sound and shrieking at a high pitch! She also started reaching her arms out for me. <3

I will not quit.

::::pushes cobwebs out of the way::::

:::peeks head through:::

:::dust flies into air:::

It makes me sad to come here and see an October date as my last blog post. I feel like a quitter - like I let my daughter down. This blog has always been for myself, but it turned into a journal of my beginnings as a mom; her as my first child and daughter. It's sad.

I think about my blog at least once a week. I want to blog. I've needed to blog, but can't.ever.find.the.time. I'm writing this with 14 minutes left of my lunch break.

I'm not going to quit. I'm picking up where I left off and covering every month of her young life so far. I WILL do it.

So much has happened since October. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, as a business owner, as a friend, as a busy full time working outside of the home professional. I intend on covering everything.

Just a bunch of quick teases...
- We are planning Aiyana's One Year Birthday Party! (Theme: Pinwheels and Polka Dots)
- I have two new hobbies that take up more time than I currently have: Digital Photography and Sewing
- I am no longer in school and probably will not return in the Fall... or ever.
- I was promoted at work!
- We may be moving out of state in a year.

And, of course a [sort of] recent picture from her 10 month pics... (she'll be 11 months this weekend!)

Late and Late

I've said it too many times, and I'm very upset with myself this time. I.have.no.time.to.blog. It makes me very sad. I wanted my blog to be another way for me to document this time in my life... ugh. I must do better and I will do my best, pinky swear.

So, I've combined Aiyana's 4 month and 3 month posts.

What I do not want to forget about her at 3 months:
- She found her left hand. She will hold out her fist in front of her face, then open her hand, then close her fist and start this all over again! It's funny...
- She started to reach out for toys with her left hand
- First swim on August 13, 2011
- Made her first lifetime friend

And at 4 months...

- She mastered the smile. If you smile at her, she will always return a smile back... even in the middle of a while!
- She started to lean and reach out for me when I get home from work/school. She doesn't have great control in her upper body or her arms, so of course this is a very sloppy movement, but still, cute as can be and make Mommy totally melt.
- She's tolerating tummy time more and holding her head up better when on her tummy. She tolls over from her back to her belly one week shy of the 4 month mark.
- She went to her first Texas Rangers game where we won the AL West! I hope to be able to tell her we went on to win the World Series that year! ;)
- ...and this month she has definitely graduated into the "Chubby" category! 

Rolling over; not the baby kind

You probably notice it's been awhile since my last blog post. It has taken me a long while to be able to blog about this... Not because I didn't want anyone to know, but because retelling and replaying everything in my mind was further emotionally and mentally damaging.

I love my blog most because I can leave my thoughts, feelings, and emotions here. Unloading in a way. And I can return back to these emotions, if I choose to.

So here it is. If you didn't know anything about this, please understand it was because I couldn't face retelling/reliving it one more time. This is the last time, and I'm finally ready...

The entire family, dogs and all, traveled south to Austin for the Labor Day weekend. As we were returning home to Fort Worth, we did something that we *always* do... stopped at Starbucks in Temple. We never fall asleep on the road, but after a busy non-stop weekend we always appreciate the extra pick me up for the road back home!

Exit# 301. September 5, 2011. Approx. 11:30 am. Starbucks. Having no idea how I would despise these details later.

As we approach the intersection of Adams Ave and the frontage road of IH-35, we stop at a red light. Our light turns green and we go. Starbucks is ahead on the right. {Here the anger emerges.} Except some stupid B**** decides she's not going to pay attention and stay alert for sake of the lives around her. She runs her red light, T bones us, and hits us directly into Aiyana's passenger side door. We roll over and spin 180 degrees.

The details that took place inside the vehicle still haunt me today. The sounds of her truck hitting us, the smell of the hot pavement rubbing against our car, the smell of the airbags, and the sound of my 3 month old's cry as she was very rudely awoken from her sleep. I still cannot replay these most horrifying minutes of my life without crying.

I'm an emotional basketcase. I'm mentally damaged. I'm forever broken.

Yes, we all walked away alive. We had bruising, scrapes, and bumps. Thankfully, my unrestrained dogs only walked away with a bloody toe nail. My only lasting injury was my mind. My blog title couldn't be any further from the truth. I wasn't any centered before. I'm certainly not any closer to center now.

People ask if I went total ape shit on the girl who hit us. John attempted to, but all I could do was hold my baby close and thank the Lord we were all alive and well.

I'm angry at her. As a first time mom to a 3 month old, I was scared to death. I have to live with that experience my entire life now. The fear returns when I get behind the wheel. I flinch at every little move a car makes. I can't but help to think Will that driver next to me not be paying attention and ram us off the road? or Does that driver not see me and going to move over into our lane? I don't trust any driver around me.

Aiyana's Side... car seat was on the other side of this door.

Car rolled over onto this side... drivers side.

And yes, the car is a total loss...

Not exactly how I wanted to have my 15 minutes of fame...

Calm down and focus

So today's the day. I return back to school for fall semester - first time back as a Mommy, and it's breaking my heart. This morning when I went to kiss her goodbye I bawled. She was asleep in her crib motionless. She looked so peaceful and content. I couldn't help but think about her future at that moment. Would she live in an apartment all her life, with no backyard to play in? Would family vacations entail a weekend trip to a Texas city? What exactly did I want for her? It's killing me to be away from her for 12 hours today, but I continue to ask myself... what.exactly.do.I.want.to.give.her? My company this evening for 3 hours? or a brighter future?

When I get home tonight at about 9:30 pm, she will probably be asleep. Day #1 of my daughter's life that I will miss out on.

I need to focus on the reason why I'm continuing on with my education. I need nail it into my brain like a million sticky notes.

This is my school... my school journey is as difficult as a chess game...

First chuckle and introduction to the crib

When DH and I made the decision to start a family while attending college and working in our mid to late twenties, we knew it would come with a sacrifice. We knew we may miss out on some of her tiny baby moments and, possibly, some of her "firsts". So when Aiyana shared her first chuckle, I was completely overjoyed that DH and I both witnessed it! It was the most perfect moment in time! I will never forget it...

Fall semester has begun and Aiyana has been partyin' it up with her Aunt Melissa while I'm at work and DH is at school! My sister will take care of her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Last week, I came to the realization that my sister would need the pack n play (PNP) for naps and Aiyana was still sleeping in the PNP at night... I freaked a little bit when I realized I had only 7-8 days to transition her to her crib. Yes, that expensive big chunk of wood that has been collecting dust was finally going to get some action!

Surprisingly, I wasn't overly disappointed by the eviction from our bedroom to her nursery. I was just stressed about the introduction and transition for her. But, she never ceases to amaze me... my daughter makes everything so easy on Mommy and Daddy (and this is where I jinx myself.)... She did wonderfully for the first week. Then, we hit a big big bump in the road. Lately, she's been getting up to nurse around 2-3 am. After this feeding, it's very very difficult to get her back to sleep. She fights the swaddle and usually doesn't go back to sleep for an hour or two. This has been so hard on Mommy. Since day 1 this child had absolutely no issues with sleep. She'd wake up at night to nurse and go right back to sleep when she was done! She spoiled us, because finally I am experiencing "sleep deprivation".

I'm hoping this is her 3 months growth spurt we're dealing with and someone will return my sleeping beauty soon!!

12 weeks

Being a mom...

Being a mom is so rewarding. Sounds so cliche, but my day is so thrilling. It's filled with small exciting moments I look forward to. Seeing her face as she sees me for the first time in the morning makes me excited to get up out of bed in the morning. I look forward to changing her diaper, not because we have cute cloth diapers, but because I love to see her lift her booty and look me in the eyes as if she's saying "Thanks, Mommy for reading my dirty booty cry."

My weekends may be uneventful, but staying inside with my daughter is the greatest, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

She's 2 months now. Growing, growing, growing. She's definitely plumping up and growing outwards! :P She has thunder thighs and a poochy belly! It's so cute. She's smiling so much these days! She's so entertaining when she's carrying on conversations with Daddy and I and smiling the entire time! Life couldn't be any better right now.

Here she is a 2 months...

Here a shot of her today at 2 months (plus 1 week!)...

And here's a serious conversation she had with her Daddy yesterday... (Background info: Daddy was away on Saturday at a soccer game and did not take Mommy or Aiyana, so she was discussing her dissatisfaction with that... and obviously he wasn't listening to her very well!)

Quick update and Sleep

I realize I haven't blogged in while. I was really hoping my blog wouldn't get neglected post baby. The reality is my time is precious now. I've returned back to work full time, so I get up at about 6 am and get ready for work. I've got to get myself showered, dressed and ready... pack my pump, pump parts, cooler bag, my lunch, snacks, water... and remember to eat breakfast and drink a cup of coffee! I always try to "top her off" by nursing her right before I leave! It's a busy and hectic morning for sure! I usually don't get to spend much quality time with her in the mornings unless she's nursing, so as soon as I get home I try to spend every possible second with her AND do my best to cook/eat dinner, before she goes to bed at night.

I'm currently in week 2 of being full time at work, and I'm really starting to feel the emotions. I miss her like crazy, and I'm noticing that I'm rarely with her. That makes me sad. :(

It does make me think things like "I wish I could stay home" and "I wish I could be a stay at home mom", but the reality is I wouldn't be happy at home long term. I'm positive of it. I know many many SAHMs, and most of them become miserable eventually. I know I would too.

So, BF'ing is still going very well. I'm constantly keeping a close eye on my supply, because there's been a lot of changes in our nursing schedule lately. I nurse when I'm with her and pump when I'm away. We went from nursing 10-12 times a day to 8-10 and now only 4-7ish. Scary.

I used to be very OCD about waking her up every 3-4 hrs at night to BF. I started to notice that sometimes when I would wake her, she'd be in such a deep sleep that she'd hardly wake up at all to eat. Then, her naps while I was gone would extend to 4-5 hrs sometimes! So I built up the courage to let her sleep at night and see how long she went. The first night she freaked me out and went 6-7 hrs. Then, the next night nearly 8. Eeeeeck. I felt like this was too long for me to go and not pump. The long stretch of sleep is nice though! Then, last night she woke up every 4 hours, and I'm actually most comfortable with that! :P

I'm still struggling with the sleep/pump/nurse schedule at night. I'm not sure how my supply will react to the long stretch, so we're taking it a day at a time.

Here's a recent picture of Aiyana... 6.5 weeks.

1 month

Wow. One.Month. Wow.

I ask myself everyday "What in the world did I do to deserve this beautiful child?"

Everything is going so well. I'm so thankful. DH asked me today, "So how has this first month been for you?" and we both agreed that it's been much easier than we expected. I think I was expecting the worst. I read up on newborn development, colic, and how to mimic the "4th Trimester". All tools to assist, but, honestly, we haven't needed much! She's such an easy and happy baby, and we are so grateful.

In the beginning, I really didn't want to set a schedule for her. I was willing to follow her schedule and BF on demand. My child was in charge! Well, as time has gone on we've learned that she's usually in bed by 10 pm and awake by 6 am, so we've adopted this "schedule" and we wake up once at night for a feeding at 2 am. We swaddle her up and BAM she's fast asleep again!

I've returned to work part time this week. I'm pumping at work once a day and nursing while I'm with her at home. My supply doesn't seem to have been effected by this first week... yet! But I'm keeping a close eye on things!

She's growing soooooo much! We have retired the newborn size clothes. We've even retired a few cloth diapers. I need to pack away my maternity clothes that are crowding my closet. All of this is just overwhelming. My baby is growing so fast!

Here are a few photos from her newborn photo shoot at 12 days old...

And her 1 month pictures we took today with her beautiful embroidered blanket (a gift from her Aunt!)...

3 weeks old

Things I don't want to forget:

- Aiyana got her toes from her Daddy, but I think she has my big toe! She sticks it up as if she's giving a "thumbs up" with her big toe! I can pick up things on the ground with the clinch of my big toe!!

- Aiyana loves to give what Daddy and I are calling a "salute to Hitler". She sticks up one arm at an angle and holds it! She also tries to "fly"! I need to attempt to catch these moments on camera!

- Aiyana's hair is long and beautiful, but GEEZ with the Texas heat and her head of hair, she cannot go more than 2 days without a bath/hair washing! She gets so oily on her face too! My hair and face will react the same way without a washing!

- Aiyana started to smile in response to Daddy and I (approx. during her 2nd week). I'm convinced these are smiles danggit!!

My Sleeping Beauty...

Baby blanket made by her Great Grandma and Great Aunts...

Her beautiful hair during a bath...

And, today, we captured a very special moment on video! We were attempting to film a smile, but instead we captured her very first coos! (I'm convinced these are coos too!) Enjoy!

John's First Father's Day

How do you buy materialistic gifts for a man who deserves so much more? How do you display your love to someone who completely fills your heart... and then some? How in the world do I display how appreciative I am to have him in my life and in turn in my daughter's life? I found it to be impossible! All the money in the world couldn't buy anything to show him how I'm feeling these days...

Our day was a little low key. It was 103 degrees today, so the heat pretty much ruined any outdoor plans I was envisioning!

We started the day with giving Daddy his gifts! Aiyana purchased Daddy a Manchester United (He's a huge fan!) T-shirt and a matching onesie from cafepress.com! DH wanted to order this onesie before she was born, so it was a pleasant surprise! We also made two photo cards for him - one from me and one from Aiyana!

This evening I "gave" him one additional "gift". I gave him a bottle full of breastmilk (BM)! Daddy fed his daughter for the first time today! Aiyana took the bottle perfectly (Thank you, Tommee Tippee!) and drank a little more than 3 ounces! So, I think, it's safe to say that The Bottle Introduction went wonderfully!

This makes me a little sad, because this makes returning back to work so much more real. I will return in one week, and I'll work part time for 2 weeks. I.do.not.want.to.go.back.to.work. Who would want to leave this face? :)