My 1st English Paper

...and I got an A! 95/100 to be exact! I'm really proud of myself, because English is NOT my strong point. I'm taking it online, so I have no excuse to NOT go to class - hah!

So our first paper was to be written about something we strongly believed in. There were many more requirements, but I won't bore you. I titled it "The Gift". It's funny because a few posts ago, my blog was titled "The Gift". It's a little different in my paper - more personal.

I'll let you read it here:

The Gift
Where did you come from? How were you created? If you believe in a higher power, you may mention God in your answer. Or you may say your mother gave birth to you. We rarely think beyond our births, probably due to the horrid idea that our parents participated in that activity called sexual intercourse, but what if we keep thinking? How did your feet land on this earth? What did your mother do prior to the activity that was such an integral part of your creation? She ovulated. For females, second to becoming a mother, I believe ovulation is the greatest gift. Yes – the ability for an ovary to release an egg.

Working in the industry of Obstetrics and Gynecology I see countless young women, often teenagers and barely twenty-somethings with perfectly plump bellies, come into our office to be treated for their unplanned pregnancies. They are all unable to pay for their prenatal care and future deliveries, so most of them are on government assistance. Also, these young women rarely have the fathers by their side. Amongst so much negativity, with the exception of the beautiful life growing inside them, I often wonder if these young women know they have the gift.

Or the women who are trying to conceive with the aid of fertility treatments. Their faces cringe when they learn they will be required to swallow large pills and inject their own abdomens with fertility drugs daily. Then, two weeks after ovulation, tears roll down their faces as a pink negative sign appears on the piece of plastic they just urinated on. But, do they know they have the gift?

I realize there are women who have gone through intense labor pains to deliver their dead infants who unexpectedly passed inside their womb. I acknowledge there are women who have become pregnant, almost as many times as they possess fingers, only to experience a miscarriage a few weeks later. I recognize all of that and pray for those women daily; however, I still wonder; do they realize they have the gift?

Roughly twelve times a year, all fertile females produce the gift, often having no idea at all, going on with normal facets of life. We all exist today, because our mothers had the gift. I do not have the gift. I yearn for the gift, for the chance to someday obtain the ultimate gift of all – to be a mom.

The acceptance is in

We’ve been talking about this moment for the past 2 years. We’ve wished and hoped it would come and here it is.





TCU (Texas Christian University) says “Accepted”! This acceptance followed 2 others – University of North Texas and the University of Texas at Arlington, but dh’s heart was set on the purple!

I am so incredibly proud of him. I couldn’t quite express how I felt yesterday, but it’s extreme proud with a lot of admiration mixed in. I’ve returned to college and I’m confident I can achieve my goal this second time around. I’ve witnessed his passion and drive and it’s unlike no other.

Our next hurdle is affording it. We will need to rely heavily on scholarships and financial aid. I’m not stressed out about it (yet). I’m positive whatever it costs will be worth it in the end.

In TTC news, AF arrived 4 days ago. I’m not positive I ovulated last cycle. My guess is no, so I’m grateful my cycle was only 35 days! Dh would like to try Soy Iso (the herbal equivalent of Clomid), so I took my first dose last night before bed. Of course, we’re not being monitored, so I’ll need to be careful and constantly tune into what I’m feeling in fear of developing a cyst.

Personal Essay

My current assignment is a personal essay. We have to write about something we believe. It was extremely difficult to figure out what my topic would be, but I think I've got it hammered down - stay tuned! In the meantime, I just had to share this essay with all of my fellow infertiles and those of you who are going through or gone through adoption. Enjoy!

Click here for the audio version.

Becoming a Parent is a Gift

I no longer believe my wife and I are going to have a baby the old-fashioned way, but I no longer think this really matters. I believe in adoption now. Four months ago, the Chinese government accepted our dossier. In the next year or two, a little girl will be born and her parents will not want her. My wife and I will fly to China to meet this girl and bring her home with us.

When I was a teenager, everyone said becoming a parent was easy — so easy, I had to be careful not to do it accidentally. I guess it’s easy for a lot of other people, but not for me and my wife.

I’m 39. My wife is 31. For the last two years, I’ve watched this woman I love inject herself with needles full of hormone syrup. She got huge bruises on each side of her waist.

Our friends would bring their kids over to visit and we’d hang up their tiny coats, hoping some magic would rub off on our hands. When it didn’t, we started avoiding any place we’d see the one thing we wanted so desperately. Our own neighborhood became awkward. The woman across the street emerged in the spring with a giant belly. My wife and I stopped going to parks and matinees. Taking our clothes off became a medical procedure; we obeyed the calendar instead of each other’s eyes. I’d see young couples pushing strollers in the grocery store and I’d taste jealousy like pennies in my mouth. I used to believe that becoming a parent was part of our biology. It was something everyone could do. When I couldn’t make a baby, I felt a little less human.

I teach in a prison, a medium-security facility full of men. I help guys write letters when they ask. Most of the letters are to girlfriends and ex-wives. I don’t see long letters to children. I feel lost opportunity all around me. I can see that becoming a parent is much more than our biology.

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you. Now, I want my family to include a little girl who looks nothing like me or my wife. Someday I’ll lean across a table and cut this little girl’s green beans. I’ll meet her teachers. I’ll see her bicycle standing in the garage. I love the idea that this girl will grow up to be a woman and still look nothing like me, but whenever she hears the word “dad,” she’ll think of me.

People think we’re good or generous because we’re giving a home to an orphan, and giving her a family but the truth is she’ll be giving us a family. I believe in adoption because it will make me the man I want to be: a father.

Chris Huntington - Indianapolis, Indiana
As heard on NPR’s npr.org, June 17, 2007

Wow. Really? My chart.

Take a look at my chart. I'm not sure it's ever looked this good. I did nothing this cycle. Just relaxed, stress free (for the most part) and trying to do my best at enjoying life.


It looks impressive. I've been deceived many times in the past and it's hard to say the words "I Ovulated." So I'm taking it day by day. When will I be convinced? I dunno.

Dh is excited though. It's great to feel like we may have A CHANCE this cycle. I've never felt like I had "a chance" due to being annov.

School & Prayers

I started school today - college. Wow. I haven't been in college in 8 years! I've been dreading it, because "available time" is non-existent at the moment; however, today (of all days) I was actually giddy about it! I actually considered putting blogging off till tomorrow just so that I could do my school work, even though it's not even due till Monday! Hah! This is going to be a very interesting time in my life.

Prayers - It absolutely amazes me that people pray for dh and I and our journey of dealing with infertility. I am just so surprised to hear that someone prays for us daily. Wow. Picture my jaw hitting the ground ...and unable to pick it up. That's me.

If you pray for me, thank you!

Talking again.

If you walk down the hall at my office, you'll hear the most beautiful sound - a baby's heartbeat. Sometimes I have to make my legs keep walking because I want to stop and listen.

I really haven't wanted to bring it up, really, with everything going on. But I can't ignore "that feeling". I hate calling it "Baby Fever". Sounds so childish. So we're talking about it again.

I want to actively TTC, but I really should try to lose some weight, but I have absolutely no discipline whatsoever. I make excuses and don't try 100%. I just want it to happen on it's own. I don't want to have to work at it. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I don't know what it's gonna take - not getting a BFP - getting my ass into gear and realizing that this won't just happen on it's own. I NEED to make some changes for my health and my child's health. What is it gonna take, really? I dunno.

Sometimes I feel so motivated, then something happens and I fall. I don't know what it's gonna take to get back up... but I'm gonna try to figure it out.

The Gift

I've been a BAD blogger, I know. It's only representative of how life is going for me right now! I'm working 8 hour days again, then coming home and trying to spend another hour or two on my company, then dinner, then spending time with hubby, ... ugh. My days are officially overloaded!

Dh has taken over running my company! Thankfully, we're picking up and I'm so relieved! I will not quit my job, because I LOVE it. I love my company, but I'm really really loving what I "used to do" again. Although, today I came home irate. It wasn't anything having to do with my job. It was a patient.

Said patient delivered by c-section 4 weeks ago. For pain management she was prescribed pain meds. She has asked for the pain meds to be refilled TWICE in 4 weeks! Today she called to tell us that she was in the ER and they said she had a major pelvic infection. She came in to see the doctor today and asked for more drugs. The doctor told her he suspected abuse and he was not going to prescribe any more pain meds. He told her that if she was in that much pain, she need to be admitted to the hospital.

We saw her at the end of the day, so I won't know if she actually admitted herself into the hospital, but how can people like this exist? It just makes me so mad!!

She has no idea that being a mother is a gift! A gift that some people never ever receive, when it's the only thing they ever want.

To top it off, her first baby was born with some deformities. She gave that baby up for adoption. When she got PG with this baby, she said she'd do the same if it was born with deformities. UGH! I wanted to scream and cry!

The Uncertainty

I told DH this week that I'm actually content with our future being so uncertain. There are so many decisions we're going to have to make in the next couple of years. The biggest - where DH will decide to go to school. We've always expected that we'd be moving out of Texas; however, ever since I entered back onto the workforce, I've expressed my concerns with moving and leaving this opportunity behind. One of the fabulous qualities about my DH is that he's so understanding and even when it's not necessary, he puts my needs in front of his. I love him.

So the future is uncertain. We're living life day by day. All I can wish is that we are able to focus at the objective at hand and not allow our "wants" or "desires" to cloud our necessities.

DH will be sending off his college applications in the next couple of weeks....

It's also uncertain if we'll ever be able to start the family we so desperately desire. It's uncertain if we should right now considering all we're going through.

I've been charting and my temp has been high, so I may have O'd but I'm positive we didn't BD around the right time if I did O.

I'm no longer participating in the clinical research study in Chicago. I'm unable to travel to Chicago with my new job, so unfortunately I had to withdraw. I'm really bummed about it, because I thoroughly enjoyed Chicago (Michigan Ave to be exact!) and I looked forward to attributing to the study of PCOS. If you have PCOS, PLEASE consider participating in this study and attributing to the study and, hopefully, the ability to find a cure for this horrible syndrome!! All expenses are PAID and you get paid nearly $1K just for participating!!!

So things are uncertain... and I'm looking forward to making some major life altering decisions in 2010!

Expecting to wake up soon

I've been working for my new employer for 4 days now. My two other co-workers (my only other co-workers) are absolute dolls. They are the same age as me and they can't wait to "take me out"! They are so fun to be around!

Today my boss (the doctor) took us all out to lunch. According to the girls, this was the annual Christmas Party. We were taken to a very swanky restaurant just outside the hustle and bustle of our city. After a 4 course meal, we exchanged gifts and were given the afternoon off! After 4 days, I got a gift from my doctor and his wife AND the girls! I'm expecting to wake up at any minute now.

I'm very grateful for what I've been given this week. I could almost positively tell you that I have found the PERFECT job! I've been told many many times by my co-workers - "You won't find a better doctor to work for!" Sigh.

So what am I doing?! Well, my background is in Health Insurance, Medical Billing, and Insurance Collections. When I quit my full time job to stay at home to run my company full time I was working for a 7 physician group of OB/GYNs. I absolutely loved my job and absolutely hated leaving, but I had to do what I had to do, because my company was making me double my salary! Hah. Not anymore.

I am now working for a male OB/GYN. It's a solo office, so he's the only doctor in the office! I handle all his medical billing and collections. I also schedule his surgeries.

I've been out of the workforce for 3 years running my company from home. I was fearful that "gap" may work against me. However, I was offered the same pay I was making at my previous office.

I've been thanking God every day for what I've been given.

29 hours later

I WAS at maximum capacity and God must read my blog, because I had no idea how things could and would change only 29 hours later.

My last blog post was on Thursday at 9:50 am CST. 27 minutes later, I received a phone call. It was a doctor's office calling to schedule an interview. (Yes, I had sent my resume out to this office, because it was the PERFECT match.) I had been struggling for a long time try to decide whether I should return back to work doing what I used to do before I started my company. It has been 3 years and I didn't know how that time would affect my ability to find a job. So, the interview was scheduled for 2 pm - sameday!

Twenty four hours and 18 minutes later, I received the job offer and at 2:19 pm I was no longer at maximum capacity. Wow, how things can change in only 29 hours! I was so incredibly grateful and excited!

I felt so relieved, but at the same time a little sad. What was going to happen to my company? I've worked so hard for 3 years to build its great reputation! Will I need to turn away customers this coming Spring/Summer? How will I work full time, go to school part time, and continue to keep my company alive.

I don't know how it's going to be possible, but I must try 110% to keep it alive. All I know is how INCREDIBLY relieved I am. I'm positive this is the start to a wonderful 2010!

More good news, I start on MONDAY!!!

Ready for 2010

What's the saying? "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?" Well, I'm feeling at maximum capacity.

Here’s what has been going on:
Week of Thanksgiving – Trip to Chicago, Thanksgiving with family in Fort Worth, Packing the entire house on Black Friday, Moving the next day (Saturday), Unpacking on Sunday and on Monday and still in progress.

When we moved into our apartment, we found mold – yup! It wasn’t “considered an emergency” so of course, we had to wait until Monday to have someone come out to take a look at it. It’s still not 100% rectified. The scent is lingering or the carpets need to be cleaned again or completely replaced.

Business is still slow. The (second) job I acquired was "given" to an internal employee without my permission - long story. So now I'm job hunting again. Money is still very tight, or frankly, nonexistent.

I haven’t been temping at all. I haven’t even thought about TTC. I haven’t been following a good diet (per my dietitian in Chicago) due to all that has been going on. I’m really in no positive attitude to eat well. I’ve given up for the time being.

I can honestly say 2009 as been horrible for myself. I am so ready for the New Year and to say goodbye to 09.

Chicago and an update

Our housing troubles seem to be behind us for the most part. Our landlord has found a new tenant who is available to move in on December 1st, so he won't need to proceed with an official eviction. That is great news! We will begin moving the day after Thanksgiving!

I'm scheduled to fly out to Chicago on Sunday. I'll be beginning the testing for the new Research Study I'll be participating in. I will only be in Chicago for two nights. I do know that I'll be involved in some pretty extensive tests such as an MRI, CAT scan, and a treadmill test. I'm looking forward to meeting with the dietitian and getting on with my weight loss! :)

This will be a 6 month study; however, I am allowed to leave the study at any time, if I choose. I'm grateful I have a choice, but I'm not starting this with any intention to leave the study early.

So, essentially, this means we'll be on a TTC-break while I participate in the study. I think the 6 months will fly by. We've been TTC for 2 years now, so what is another 6 months! We're still young and thinking positively!

House troubles

In October, my company experienced it's lowest revenue to date. It was even lower than my first month in business.

Our November rent was extremely difficult to pay, so we contacted our landlord to request a sublease for December 1st. We were so happy to hear that he was actually willing to work with us. Whatever amount we were behind, we would just pay him back within 90 days. Fantastic... then, he consulted with his attorney... and the rug was pulled right out from under us.

His attorney advised him that we could not make an agreement outside of the lease. If we're unable to pay our rent in December, he will move forward with a formal eviction.

Ugh, back to apartment living. Dh and I are sad to leave this house. We love it, but we're trying to focus on the positives. It will only be for 7 months. We'll be right across the street from the college and dh will be able to walk to school! The best news is our rent will save us over $700 a month!

CD31 - BFN

Today's visit was supposed to be my last study visit; however, they informed me that I actually had TWO more visits. Ugh. So my last two visits are on the 15th and the 20th. If I still have a BFN on the 20th, I'll receive my complimentary Clomid and my study compensation! Yay!

I haven't been temping much, because of daylight savings time and my crazy work schedule. I did take my temp the other morning, one hour earlier than normal which would of been the correct time if daylight savings time hadn't occurred, and it was within the normal range, so given that temp and my constant O pain, I'm positive I haven't O'd.

I've been thinking and thinking about my options and the only thing that remains the same is my want/need to lose weight. I've lost a little, so that is great!

Most likely, I will participate in the 6 month research study. I'll have the best chance to lose weight during those 6 months and after the study, dh and I can try to TTC again!

Around here the stress level is at it's highest; however, I'm hanging in there. Long story short, we may be moving in the next 30-60 days.... again. We can't afford to live in our beautiful much loved rental house. I curse this economy... and my ignorance and inability to save money. I'll share more later.

Extremely Stressed

A lot is going on right now. I almost can't even blog right now, because I don't even want to think about it, so... for now, I won't depress you.

I got good news at my visit on Friday; however, once I got home is when everything came crumbling down, so I didn't have time to really celebrate!

I have a "new" large follicle on my left side. Yay! They are positive this is not the cyst, because well, the cyst is still there. The follicle was about 18mm on Friday and I've been having strong O pains ever since. Now these O pains are what I associate as O pains. Since I do not actually O, I can best describe it as what I feel when follicles are larger in size. And in a way, I think that my body is trying very hard to release them, but can't, and well, that's what I'm feeling.

DH and I bd'd yesterday just in case! Since I'm responding late, they may add on another appointment for another PG test.

Other than that, I'm hanging in there.