Moments I don't want to forget - Nearly 20 mths

- Aiyana pats her diaper and says "pee pee". She does it when she pees. We ask her if she wants to go pee pee on the potty, and she runs to her potty. We take her clothes and diaper off, and she runs like a mad woman down the hallway and through the living room! She says "no" to a new diaper. Then, about 10 minutes later she's trying to put her diaper on herself. Silly girl.

- Aiyana's babysitter scolded me when Aiyana showed up at daycare, after being home with her Daddy for an entire month, with what she calls an attitude! Aiyana has a mean face. She points her head down, but keeps eye contact with you and scrunches her eyebrows!

- Aiyana loves to go outside. She made John and I go outside to play on the playground TWICE the other night in the 30 degree cold weather.

- For Aiyana, there's no longer any agony over me leaving to work. She gives me a hug and a kiss and says "bye bye ove yew."

- Aiyana knows how to unlock and use my iPhone very successfully. She knows where her apps are located. She knows how to get into and out of an app. She knows how to go back to the main menu of an app if she needs to. I can't believe how quickly she picked up iPhone operation.

- And lasty, Aiyana has a book of animals and common "things". We will ask her questions like, "Where is the chicken?" or "Where is the fish?", and she points to the correct one!

Gosh. She's growing up so freaking fast...

Afterthoughts

"When God says "no", it's because He has something better in store for you."

I'm so overwhelmed with the outpouring of support I've received since last Thursday. The offering of prayers, thoughts, hugs, shoulders, talks and tears has been in absolute abundance. I chose to share this pregnancy with a select few ladies - ladies who I've grown very close to over the course of 2-5 years. They stood beside me every step of the way. My phone was constantly vibrating or ringing. FB messages were constant. It was a little overwhelming at times. I hate so much attention, but gosh, I got through this so well with them by my side. They were constantly saying how surprised they were at how well I was taking everything. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by such amazing friends.

And most importantly, my husband. I still think this hit him a lot harder than it did me. I've mentioned, I always expect the worse. I hate for people around me to be sad and/or emotionally hurt inside, and I hated to know he was hurting. This kind of thing is never wished for, but parenting our daughter and now this miscarriage has only brought us closer. Since we became pregnant with Aiyana I don't think we've had one argument (it's pretty damn remarkable), and it feels good to know you found the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. John and I have been through so much together. We've grown so close and so incredibly strong.

To deal with the pain, I redirected my thoughts to the good that surrounds John and I, and I realized that there is so much good around us right now. The best being our ham of a daughter, Aiyana. She's constantly ensuring we have a smile on our face and sharing in laughter. She's hilarious, and she gets cuter and cuter as each day passes. I can't wait till she starts having conversations with me, because she is so freaking entertaining. She's the best good there is.

Confirmation 2 of 2

Follow up ultrasound today showed an empty uterus with a normal lining. Hopefully this means my bleeding will stop soon. My ovaries appeared normal - almost didn't appear polycystic anymore. One ovary didn't have any visible follicles, and one ovary did have a few.

I can't believe how quickly and... dare I say it??... easy it was for my body to pass the tissue. I was in pain for about 1 hour, but after that I've been feeling fine. I'm so grateful this was physically painless. Now, emotionally, we need to heal.

Confirmation 1 of 2

Both of my beta (HCG levels) numbers are back:

19,023 on Friday

36 hours later they were 707. They fell quite a bit. :(

But, there's my confirmation. Now, John and I have closure, we can move on and start the healing process.

I have a follow up ultrasound scheduled for 2 pm today. I'm curious to see if I passed both sacs at the same time or if there's one left. By the looks of that low number, I may have passed them both.

Just a thought...

“Some say you’re too painful to remember. I say you’re too precious to forget.”

Miscarriage

I guess I always had a tiny bit of hope. But, I was expecting the heavy bleeding and cramps any second now.

This morning I awoke to heavy bleeding with small clots. By this evening I was cramping heavily and passing large amounts of tissue. I am planning on going to work tomorrow. Miscarriage.

First appointment w/ ultrasound (6w4d)

Appointment w/ ultrasound yesterday. Not good news.

There are two sacs, and they both appear to be empty. One sac measures 7.5 weeks and I should be 6.5 weeks exactly. I'm 100% positive of my dates. At either 6.5 or 7.5 weeks, we should see something in the sac, a baby, a yolk sac, and/or a heartbeat. There was nothing.

Everyone says "I'm holding out hope it's too early to see anything" and "I'm praying you still get some good news". I appreciate the thoughts, the prayers and support.

It sucks to work in Obstetrics. I see and hear of all of the bad stuff - the miscarriages, the stillbirths, the complications, the maternal deaths... all of it. I know there are perfectly healthy pregnancies and deliveries (I had one with Aiyana.).

I always go in expecting the worse. When I told John I was pregnant with Aiyana, I immediately told him not to get too excited. I was expecting the worse. I did the same with this pregnancy. I don't allow myself to get too excited about holding a healthy baby. I just can't. I attribute it to working for an OB, but also all those years I closely monitored my cycles. I witnessed my body gear up for ovulation, then nothing happened. Disappointment over and over and over for 3 long miserable years. When my body didn't ovulate, I wasn't surprised. I became numb to it. Numb. Yes. Kind of like how I'm feeling now.

My OB will check my HCG levels. First draw was this morning. Next draw will be Monday. Tuesday we'll go in for a follow up ultrasound.