Right Aligned Mind

Late and Late

2011-10-16T15:27:00.000-05:00

I've said it too many times, and I'm very upset with myself this time. I.have.no.time.to.blog. It makes me very sad. I wanted my blog to be another way for me to document this time in my life... ugh. I must do better and I will do my best, pinky swear.

So, I've combined Aiyana's 4 month and 3 month posts.

What I do not want to forget about her at 3 months:
- She found her left hand. She will hold out her fist in front of her face, then open her hand, then close her fist and start this all over again! It's funny...
- She started to reach out for toys with her left hand
- First swim on August 13, 2011
- Made her first lifetime friend

And at 4 months...

- She mastered the smile. If you smile at her, she will always return a smile back... even in the middle of a while!
- She started to lean and reach out for me when I get home from work/school. She doesn't have great control in her upper body or her arms, so of course this is a very sloppy movement, but still, cute as can be and make Mommy totally melt.
- She's tolerating tummy time more and holding her head up better when on her tummy. She tolls over from her back to her belly one week shy of the 4 month mark.
- She went to her first Texas Rangers game where we won the AL West! I hope to be able to tell her we went on to win the World Series that year! ;)
- ...and this month she has definitely graduated into the "Chubby" category!

Rolling over; not the baby kind

2011-09-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

You probably notice it's been awhile since my last blog post. It has taken me a long while to be able to blog about this... Not because I didn't want anyone to know, but because retelling and replaying everything in my mind was further emotionally and mentally damaging.

I love my blog most because I can leave my thoughts, feelings, and emotions here. Unloading in a way. And I can return back to these emotions, if I choose to.

So here it is. If you didn't know anything about this, please understand it was because I couldn't face retelling/reliving it one more time. This is the last time, and I'm finally ready...

The entire family, dogs and all, traveled south to Austin for the Labor Day weekend. As we were returning home to Fort Worth, we did something that we *always* do... stopped at Starbucks in Temple. We never fall asleep on the road, but after a busy non-stop weekend we always appreciate the extra pick me up for the road back home!

Exit# 301. September 5, 2011. Approx. 11:30 am. Starbucks. Having no idea how I would despise these details later.

As we approach the intersection of Adams Ave and the frontage road of IH-35, we stop at a red light. Our light turns green and we go. Starbucks is ahead on the right. {Here the anger emerges.} Except some stupid B**** decides she's not going to pay attention and stay alert for sake of the lives around her. She runs her red light, T bones us, and hits us directly into Aiyana's passenger side door. We roll over and spin 180 degrees.

The details that took place inside the vehicle still haunt me today. The sounds of her truck hitting us, the smell of the hot pavement rubbing against our car, the smell of the airbags, and the sound of my 3 month old's cry as she was very rudely awoken from her sleep. I still cannot replay these most horrifying minutes of my life without crying.

I'm an emotional basketcase. I'm mentally damaged. I'm forever broken.

Yes, we all walked away alive. We had bruising, scrapes, and bumps. Thankfully, my unrestrained dogs only walked away with a bloody toe nail. My only lasting injury was my mind. My blog title couldn't be any further from the truth. I wasn't any centered before. I'm certainly not any closer to center now.

People ask if I went total ape shit on the girl who hit us. John attempted to, but all I could do was hold my baby close and thank the Lord we were all alive and well.

I'm angry at her. As a first time mom to a 3 month old, I was scared to death. I have to live with that experience my entire life now. The fear returns when I get behind the wheel. I flinch at every little move a car makes. I can't but help to think Will that driver next to me not be paying attention and ram us off the road? or Does that driver not see me and going to move over into our lane? I don't trust any driver around me.

Aiyana's Side... car seat was on the other side of this door.

Car rolled over onto this side... drivers side.

And yes, the car is a total loss...

Not exactly how I wanted to have my 15 minutes of fame...

Calm down and focus

2011-08-30T13:23:00.001-05:00

So today's the day. I return back to school for fall semester - first time back as a Mommy, and it's breaking my heart. This morning when I went to kiss her goodbye I bawled. She was asleep in her crib motionless. She looked so peaceful and content. I couldn't help but think about her future at that moment. Would she live in an apartment all her life, with no backyard to play in? Would family vacations entail a weekend trip to a Texas city? What exactly did I want for her? It's killing me to be away from her for 12 hours today, but I continue to ask myself... what.exactly.do.I.want.to.give.her? My company this evening for 3 hours? or a brighter future?

When I get home tonight at about 9:30 pm, she will probably be asleep. Day #1 of my daughter's life that I will miss out on.

I need to focus on the reason why I'm continuing on with my education. I need nail it into my brain like a million sticky notes.

This is my school... my school journey is as difficult as a chess game...

First chuckle and introduction to the crib

2011-08-24T09:28:00.002-05:00

When DH and I made the decision to start a family while attending college and working in our mid to late twenties, we knew it would come with a sacrifice. We knew we may miss out on some of her tiny baby moments and, possibly, some of her "firsts". So when Aiyana shared her first chuckle, I was completely overjoyed that DH and I both witnessed it! It was the most perfect moment in time! I will never forget it...

Fall semester has begun and Aiyana has been partyin' it up with her Aunt Melissa while I'm at work and DH is at school! My sister will take care of her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Last week, I came to the realization that my sister would need the pack n play (PNP) for naps and Aiyana was still sleeping in the PNP at night... I freaked a little bit when I realized I had only 7-8 days to transition her to her crib. Yes, that expensive big chunk of wood that has been collecting dust was finally going to get some action!

Surprisingly, I wasn't overly disappointed by the eviction from our bedroom to her nursery. I was just stressed about the introduction and transition for her. But, she never ceases to amaze me... my daughter makes everything so easy on Mommy and Daddy (and this is where I jinx myself.)... She did wonderfully for the first week. Then, we hit a big big bump in the road. Lately, she's been getting up to nurse around 2-3 am. After this feeding, it's very very difficult to get her back to sleep. She fights the swaddle and usually doesn't go back to sleep for an hour or two. This has been so hard on Mommy. Since day 1 this child had absolutely no issues with sleep. She'd wake up at night to nurse and go right back to sleep when she was done! She spoiled us, because finally I am experiencing "sleep deprivation".

I'm hoping this is her 3 months growth spurt we're dealing with and someone will return my sleeping beauty soon!!

12 weeks

Being a mom...

2011-08-07T22:25:00.002-05:00

Being a mom is so rewarding. Sounds so cliche, but my day is so thrilling. It's filled with small exciting moments I look forward to. Seeing her face as she sees me for the first time in the morning makes me excited to get up out of bed in the morning. I look forward to changing her diaper, not because we have cute cloth diapers, but because I love to see her lift her booty and look me in the eyes as if she's saying "Thanks, Mommy for reading my dirty booty cry."

My weekends may be uneventful, but staying inside with my daughter is the greatest, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

She's 2 months now. Growing, growing, growing. She's definitely plumping up and growing outwards! :P She has thunder thighs and a poochy belly! It's so cute. She's smiling so much these days! She's so entertaining when she's carrying on conversations with Daddy and I and smiling the entire time! Life couldn't be any better right now.

Here she is a 2 months...

Here a shot of her today at 2 months (plus 1 week!)...

And here's a serious conversation she had with her Daddy yesterday... (Background info: Daddy was away on Saturday at a soccer game and did not take Mommy or Aiyana, so she was discussing her dissatisfaction with that... and obviously he wasn't listening to her very well!)

Quick update and Sleep

2011-07-21T09:26:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't blogged in while. I was really hoping my blog wouldn't get neglected post baby. The reality is my time is precious now. I've returned back to work full time, so I get up at about 6 am and get ready for work. I've got to get myself showered, dressed and ready... pack my pump, pump parts, cooler bag, my lunch, snacks, water... and remember to eat breakfast and drink a cup of coffee! I always try to "top her off" by nursing her right before I leave! It's a busy and hectic morning for sure! I usually don't get to spend much quality time with her in the mornings unless she's nursing, so as soon as I get home I try to spend every possible second with her AND do my best to cook/eat dinner, before she goes to bed at night.

I'm currently in week 2 of being full time at work, and I'm really starting to feel the emotions. I miss her like crazy, and I'm noticing that I'm rarely with her. That makes me sad. :(

It does make me think things like "I wish I could stay home" and "I wish I could be a stay at home mom", but the reality is I wouldn't be happy at home long term. I'm positive of it. I know many many SAHMs, and most of them become miserable eventually. I know I would too.

So, BF'ing is still going very well. I'm constantly keeping a close eye on my supply, because there's been a lot of changes in our nursing schedule lately. I nurse when I'm with her and pump when I'm away. We went from nursing 10-12 times a day to 8-10 and now only 4-7ish. Scary.

I used to be very OCD about waking her up every 3-4 hrs at night to BF. I started to notice that sometimes when I would wake her, she'd be in such a deep sleep that she'd hardly wake up at all to eat. Then, her naps while I was gone would extend to 4-5 hrs sometimes! So I built up the courage to let her sleep at night and see how long she went. The first night she freaked me out and went 6-7 hrs. Then, the next night nearly 8. Eeeeeck. I felt like this was too long for me to go and not pump. The long stretch of sleep is nice though! Then, last night she woke up every 4 hours, and I'm actually most comfortable with that! :P

I'm still struggling with the sleep/pump/nurse schedule at night. I'm not sure how my supply will react to the long stretch, so we're taking it a day at a time.

Here's a recent picture of Aiyana... 6.5 weeks.

1 month

2011-06-30T21:11:00.001-05:00

Wow. One.Month. Wow.

I ask myself everyday "What in the world did I do to deserve this beautiful child?"

Everything is going so well. I'm so thankful. DH asked me today, "So how has this first month been for you?" and we both agreed that it's been much easier than we expected. I think I was expecting the worst. I read up on newborn development, colic, and how to mimic the "4th Trimester". All tools to assist, but, honestly, we haven't needed much! She's such an easy and happy baby, and we are so grateful.

In the beginning, I really didn't want to set a schedule for her. I was willing to follow her schedule and BF on demand. My child was in charge! Well, as time has gone on we've learned that she's usually in bed by 10 pm and awake by 6 am, so we've adopted this "schedule" and we wake up once at night for a feeding at 2 am. We swaddle her up and BAM she's fast asleep again!

I've returned to work part time this week. I'm pumping at work once a day and nursing while I'm with her at home. My supply doesn't seem to have been effected by this first week... yet! But I'm keeping a close eye on things!

She's growing soooooo much! We have retired the newborn size clothes. We've even retired a few cloth diapers. I need to pack away my maternity clothes that are crowding my closet. All of this is just overwhelming. My baby is growing so fast!

Here are a few photos from her newborn photo shoot at 12 days old...

And her 1 month pictures we took today with her beautiful embroidered blanket (a gift from her Aunt!)...

3 weeks old

2011-06-21T22:20:00.002-05:00

Things I don't want to forget:

- Aiyana got her toes from her Daddy, but I think she has my big toe! She sticks it up as if she's giving a "thumbs up" with her big toe! I can pick up things on the ground with the clinch of my big toe!!

- Aiyana loves to give what Daddy and I are calling a "salute to Hitler". She sticks up one arm at an angle and holds it! She also tries to "fly"! I need to attempt to catch these moments on camera!

- Aiyana's hair is long and beautiful, but GEEZ with the Texas heat and her head of hair, she cannot go more than 2 days without a bath/hair washing! She gets so oily on her face too! My hair and face will react the same way without a washing!

- Aiyana started to smile in response to Daddy and I (approx. during her 2nd week). I'm convinced these are smiles danggit!!

My Sleeping Beauty...

Baby blanket made by her Great Grandma and Great Aunts...

Her beautiful hair during a bath...

And, today, we captured a very special moment on video! We were attempting to film a smile, but instead we captured her very first coos! (I'm convinced these are coos too!) Enjoy!

John's First Father's Day

2011-06-19T21:34:00.001-05:00

How do you buy materialistic gifts for a man who deserves so much more? How do you display your love to someone who completely fills your heart... and then some? How in the world do I display how appreciative I am to have him in my life and in turn in my daughter's life? I found it to be impossible! All the money in the world couldn't buy anything to show him how I'm feeling these days...

Our day was a little low key. It was 103 degrees today, so the heat pretty much ruined any outdoor plans I was envisioning!

We started the day with giving Daddy his gifts! Aiyana purchased Daddy a Manchester United (He's a huge fan!) T-shirt and a matching onesie from cafepress.com! DH wanted to order this onesie before she was born, so it was a pleasant surprise! We also made two photo cards for him - one from me and one from Aiyana!

This evening I "gave" him one additional "gift". I gave him a bottle full of breastmilk (BM)! Daddy fed his daughter for the first time today! Aiyana took the bottle perfectly (Thank you, Tommee Tippee!) and drank a little more than 3 ounces! So, I think, it's safe to say that The Bottle Introduction went wonderfully!

This makes me a little sad, because this makes returning back to work so much more real. I will return in one week, and I'll work part time for 2 weeks. I.do.not.want.to.go.back.to.work. Who would want to leave this face? :)

Breastfeeding...

2011-06-11T10:52:00.001-05:00

I knew BF'ing was going to be best for my daughter. I didn't know some of the reasons, but I quickly learned all of the advantages during my research and reading before she was born! I was already convinced I wanted to give BF'ing a try. I was determined to try and give it my all! During pregnancy, my greatest fear for after delivery was successful breastfeeding.

So how did it go? And how's it going now at 11 days PP?

Immediately after delivery, Aiyana and I shared skin to skin time and an attempt at breastfeeding. We quickly learned she didn't have a good latch. She lifted her tongue, so it was in the way, and her mouth was so tiny that it wasn't taking in much of my areola. So we called the Lactation Consultant.

They recommended I use a nipple shield and use the football hold. We had success with this for the first 4 or 5 days. When my nipple was being sucked all the way through the shield (and causing me pain!!), I knew her suck wasn't an issue at all. She has a wonderful strong suck!

We started to try nursing without the shield and she loved it. The shield was making her work harder, and she's my daughter = lazy. She preferred to do the work on her own and get her meal quicker!

At 11 days PP, we are still having some issues with latch. I have to squeeze my breast/areola like a sandwich and literally, shove as much of it as possible into her mouth when she finally opens wide, which is rare. When we do this correctly, there's no pain... and I prefer no pain!

I'm waking her every 3 hrs to eat. Sometimes she's hungry after only 1 - 2 hours, so I feed her on demand. Luckily, she loves her sleep and at night she's content with nursing every 3 hrs.

Overall, it's going well. It's so true what they say... it takes about 2 weeks for mom and baby to learn. Then, it will just click.

One of the best things about BF'ing is the weight loss! The weight FALLS OFF! I'm 3.5 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight! That's a weight loss of 21.5 pounds!

If you want to breastfeed, I highly recommend only 7 things:
- determination
- a lactation consultant
- an online resource (forum, support group, facebook group like The Leaky Boob, LLL, etc.)
- nursing tanks (so much more comfortable than nursing bras)
- the Brest Friend Pillow (don't bother with the boppy for nursing.)
- Lanolin
- determination

If you have those 7 things, you can do it!

My favorite picture of her so far! This was after a hair washing and towel dry.

1 week old

2011-06-08T22:16:00.002-05:00

Aiyana is 1 week old! Okay, yes, one week was yesterday, but better late than never! (I'm starting to accept that I will probably no longer be "on time" for much of anything from now on!)

I have to say that time is flying by! It's going way too fast!! I'm already noticing changes in her and it makes me sad. I don't want her to change from this tiny precious girl...

Our first week was amazing! Daddy is totally smitten and says this week was the best week of his life! We're so in love with our daughter!

When we were discharged Aiyana weighed 6 lbs 14 oz. At our first breastfeeding follow up appointment she had gained one ounce in 2 days. Ok... it was a gain and I was happy with that! Then, today she was 7 lbs 7 oz - back to her birth weight!!! We have a chunky monkey on our hands! She's going to gain weight so quickly = fast changes that Mommy is not ready for.

Overall, breastfeeding (BF) is going well, obviously! But I'm still struggling a little. I don't have much of an appetite for some reason and I'm horrible with my water intake. I must get these things "fixed", before my supply is jeopardized!

Talking with Grandma on video chat...

Thing I don't want to forget about our first week...
- Aiyana fits into the newborn sized clothes! We thought all of those cute clothes weren't going to be used! We're actually trying to find clothes that fit her tiny body!
- Aiyana LOVES to have her hands in her face! Makes for some frustrating BF'ing!
- The BF'ing books were right! When babies are full they look drunk!! Mommy and Daddy laugh at Aiyana when she's full. She totally looks drunk!!
- Mommy got pooped on on day 6 while changing her diaper. It was a single stream of about 2-3 feet in length directed straight for my face!

Birth Story – Aiyana Helene born May 31, 2011

2011-06-07T16:00:00.002-05:00

I’ve been asked a lot of questions about the long labor and delivery of Aiyana, so I’ve written her birth story and happy to share it with everyone! Enjoy!

*** There’s nothing about delivering a baby that is glamorous and ok for immature persons, so if you don’t want to know the “nitty gritty details” or have a queasy stomach, you may want to skip the first 4 paragraphs! ***

Everything and everyone was ready for her debut. The house was clean. All of her things were set up, ready to go! There was nothing left to do… except… pluck my eyebrows! (Lots of picture taking? Can’t have a unibrow!) Even our induction was scheduled for June 2nd. There had been no cervical change since 35 weeks, so cervical ripening and pitocin induction was scheduled for 40 weeks 2 days. I was terrified of this entire process, but my OB suspected she was already 8 –9 pounds and encouraged induction. I was ok with the decision to induce, but I was still terrified. I wanted my body to go into labor on it’s own to avoid induction. I wanted to avoid increasing my risks/odds of a possible cesarean section. So, I was doing anything I could in the days before her delivery to induce labor.

On Sunday, we had dinner with my sister and her family. My niece told me she had a dream the night before that I had gone into labor at the restaurant! Strangely enough I also had a premonition of sorts that “tonight was the night”! Well, labor didn’t start at the restaurant, but that night at 11 pm I did start to experience period-like cramping! I had not had this early labor sign, so I was excited that this meant something! I continued to have cramping through the night, but I was able to sleep.

Monday was Memorial Day Holiday. When I woke up at 5 am I noticed the continued cramping and found a small amount of pink mucus when I went to the bathroom. Again, I had not had this labor sign, but heard/read that this was a very good sign of impending labor. I got even more excited! I decided to stay awake and get on my birthing ball just to see if I continued to have any signs. I had been having irregular non-painful contractions for a few weeks, so I wasn’t paying much attention to any contractions I was having. The cramping continued, but nothing else, so I went back to sleep for a couple more hours.

Around 2:30 pm that afternoon, I noticed lots more pink mucus/discharge and later learned this was the bloody show I had read about! So hubby and I had what would be our last “intimate encounter” for a long time! Again, all of the resources say lots of sex is a great way to induce labor! Remember, I was desperate! I didn’t want to be induced!! Immediately, after “our encounter” contractions started and they continued at 3 minutes apart! I was experiencing contractions with the cramping and FINALLY I was starting to feel an uncomfortable feeling during contractions! I had been wishing for pain and I was feeling it! I sat on the birthing ball and facebooked with the ladies from my May 2011 CD Due Date Group! Contractions continued at 3-5 minutes apart, so John double checked the hospital bag (just in case), and he played Rock Band to pass the time! I don’t think he thought, “this was it”, but I started to really become convinced “it was time”.

After a couple of hours, we headed out to the hospital. The contractions were still 3 minutes apart and they were starting to become very uncomfortable. While John loaded the car with our things, I went into the nursery and hung two of her bow holders! My sister had given them to me the night before and I had not had a chance to put her bows and flowers clips on them and hang them on the wall. If I was returning home with a baby GIRL, she NEEDED her bow holders hung!! :P

We arrived to the hospital at about 6 pm. I was only 2 centimeters dilated and 60-70% effaced, so they encouraged us to walk the halls. After a couple of hours, I had not shown much change at all. The plan was to observe me overnight to see if I progressed on my own. If so, great! If not, we’d start pitocin first thing tomorrow morning. Either way, our daughter would arrive on her DUE DATE! My FB status read: “Only my daughter would come on her due date - not one day early, not one day late, right on time... She allowed me to enjoy the majority of my holiday too! She will be here sometime tomorrow.”

The contractions were still 3 minutes apart and starting to become painful and very uncomfortable. I found that the only comfortable position was sitting up on the side of the bed. Obviously, I could not get any sleep like this, so they gave me Demerol (for pain) and Phenergen (for nausea). Immediately, I was “drunk” and “out of it”. I got about 2 hours of sleep and then the painful contractions kept me up all night long. I was exhausted. I had set my alarm for 6 am. I wanted to have plenty of time get in the shower and do my hair and makeup before they started the pitocin! Today was going to be my daughter’s big debut, and I wanted to look nice for pictures! Well, needless to say, it was difficult to take a shower with contractions so close together and painful! I never got around doing my hair, putting my makeup on... or plucking my eye brows!! Grrr! :(

I saw my OB at 7:30 am and at that time I was 4 cm, 100% effaced, with a bulging bag of water!! Wahoo! Progress!! At this point, I was managing the pain just fine. The pitocin was started at 8:00 am. The really painful contractions started to kick in and progressively got worse. I asked for my epidural at the first sign of painful contractions, because I knew it would take 20-30 minutes to arrive (like my nurse said!). Well, she was wrong. The hospital was so incredibly busy that day and the anesthesiologist was in a c-section, so I waited on my epidural for what seemed like a lifetime! I suffered through the horrible painful contractions of pitocin for an hour! I was having back labor, so my sister and John did their best applying pressure and massaging my lower back. I was in so much pain and sick and tired of waiting on the epidural, that eventually I asked for another dose of Demerol. I was a little upset with myself for making this decision, because I knew it could affect Aiyana by making her sluggish after delivery which would inhibit any immediate breastfeeding. I made the decision though, because I could not take another contraction. Once I got the Demerol, my epidural arrived within 5-10 minutes. UGH. I was so mad at myself, but more mad at the hospital/anesthesiologist!

I had made it to 6 cm on my own, and I was pretty proud of myself for that! More than half way! My birth plan was to get to at least 4-6 cm before getting the epidural. ::two thumbs up::

After receiving the epidural, I was able to take a nap for about an hour. At 11:10 am, I was checked and at 8 cm. Also, at this point, my nurse suspected that I broke my water too. Maybe during my nap? I never figured out when exactly my water broke. I never felt it pop.

Just before noon, I was complete at 10 cm and ready to push! While I pushed my nurse made many remarks about how easy I was making it look and how I didn’t appear to be a newbie at this. I didn’t know if she told everyone that to motivate them, but it did make me feel good! I pushed for approx. an hour and a half.

Aiyana Helene was born at 1:57 pm on her due date of May 31, 2011. She weighed 7 lbs 7 oz. (WAY OFF from what my doctor was suspecting!) and 20.5 inches long. She had a head full of hair and looks like Mommy!

...I never got around to plucking my eyebrows until we got home from the hospital. Ooops! ;)

The bow holders I hung while in early labor!

My last belly pic... 40 weeks!

First family picture!

Her nursery is officially done!

Going home outfit. Wearing Daddy's school colors proudly!

Going Home!!

1 out of 2 dogs has submitted her approval! One still pending her decision!

First Fluff (cloth diaper)!

Introducing Aiyana Helene...

2011-06-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

Born on her due date, Tuesday, May 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm. Weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces and 20.5 inches. Birth Story to follow!

1 more day...

2011-05-30T09:23:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my due date! My tickers say ONE day left!! That's amazing...

Just a small update... I've been very crampy since 11 pm last night. I never have cramps, so I like this! I woke up at 5 am to painful cramps and a small bit of pink tinged mucus and a tiny bit of pink on tp. Is it bad that I'm totally hoping to see blood (bloody show please) every time I go to the bathroom now!?!? I'm still having mild contractions, but still very irregular and not painful. The cramps are more painful than these measly contractions! If no bloody show today, I'm hoping for at least some cervical progress going on in there!!

OB appt and my current thoughts

2011-05-27T09:06:00.000-05:00

So my last OB appt was yesterday. This was my last chance to show some kind of progress and I got nothing... so... bummed. I'm still 1 cm. So the induction will go on as planned. I'm doubtful she'll come before Thursday at this rate.

I guess a common figure of speech is "thinking straight". I guess it means you're thinking on course or something. I'd rather think "centered" and I rarely do. My thoughts are never centered. I'm always worrying or stressing about something. I dwell on the negative too much. Hence, the title of my blog...

I can't help but to think that my cervix is NOT favorable at this point. I'm going into the hospital on Wednesday night for cervical ripening. I fear pitocin, because of the extreme pain; however, the thing that weighs on my mind most is my cervix. If my cervix is not ready for this process, it will not dilate, will not progress, and I will need to have a c-section. This I fear.

DH and I want to have more kids and having to have a c-section with our first, in my opinion, will ruin all future deliveries. The risk of Vaginal Birth after Cesarean is a serious risk. After this pregnancy, I honestly think I'm better suited/matched with a midwife. A c-section at this birth could ruin any consideration I may have to use a midwife in the future.

I know I'm thinking worse case scenario and I know some people have inductions and do just fine. But my mind is sitting on the opposite side. I can't help it. This pregnancy has gone perfectly and I just knew there would be one thing that would change it all...

So this will be DH and I's last weekend as just the two of us! We're planning a date on Saturday to go see Hangover 2. Maybe I can laugh myself into labor... or break my water.

It's been a little strange at home. We're all ready for her and seem to be just really waiting - the house is spotless... we're sitting on our butts doing nothing... twiddling our thumbs... staring at each other not saying a word. Soon things will be so different and we're so ready!

39 weeks 2 days "still" pregnant

2011-05-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

For now, I'll leave you with my 39 week belly pic. Do you really think there's an 8-9 pounder in there?! :P

Things at work are crazy busy as I prepare for my leave. I'll do my best to write more in a couple of days! And if anything happens labor and delivery wise I will do my best to update my blog ASAP! :)

Induction is on the calendar

2011-05-20T11:36:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, my OB is VERY proactive with getting his deliveries on his schedule. I wish he wasn't, because it stresses me out big time. I'm not ready to surrender to an induction, but I went ahead and put a day on the calendar - June 2nd.

As of right now, my cervix is not favorable, so I would be required to go in the night before for cervadil (cervical ripening) and induction would be first thing the next morning. Induction means pitocin, which I fear and needing the cervical ripening makes me fear the increased odds for a c-section.

I am praying she comes on her own! I need to go into labor on my own. Did I mention I fear induction?

So what have I been doing to "assist"? Lots of things!

37 weeks
Started more regular DTD
Started drinking 3-4 bags a day of RRL tea
Started walking every 1-3 days
Started sitting and bouncing on an exercise ball (I don't know if this one does anything productive, but it's fun!)

38 weeks
All of the above and
Started inserting 2000 mg EPO vaginally every night

I may increase the EPO to 3000 mg since my cervix is showing no progress.

More maternity pictures...

2011-05-19T14:34:00.000-05:00

Here are a few of my favorites from our professional maternity session. There were so many to choose from! I can't wait for Yenny to take this baby's newborn photos! She's so talented!

38 weeks and cervical checks

2011-05-17T12:58:00.001-05:00

Baby girl and I hit 38 weeks today! I'm so grateful to have made it to this point... so grateful. For the 3rd trimester, this was my first goal. I felt 37 weeks may have been "full term", per se, but it was a little too early for my comfort. 38 weeks, I feel if she was born today she'd be healthy and have a good chance at EBF successfully! Now, 39 weeks is my true goal. I want to make it there with a smile still on my face! At 39, momma feels ready at any moment!!

My 37.5 week appt results: dilated 0-1 cm; 50% effaced
My 38.5 week appt results: dilated 1 cm; still 50% effaced; doc says "very squishy"

At this point, I'm praying for my body to go into labor on it's own. I fear induction. I fear pitocin. I fear increasing my odds of having a c-section.

My OB has actually instilled this fear in me, because he mentioned the "I" word at 36.5 weeks - yes, i.n.d.u.c.t.i.o.n. I was really put off and the stress began for me. It's a long story, so I won't dwell, but in short, there's no medical reason to induce before 40 weeks other than "increased stillbirth rates", according to my OB. I considered induction at 39.5, but now, my gut says to wait till 40.5. Overall, I don't want an induction, period. I want my body to go into labor naturally - on it's own.

Her nursery is DONE!

2011-05-14T17:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I didn't meet my May 1st deadline, but hey it's done and she's still cooking, so momma is happy!! Enjoy!!

Furniture: Graco Lauren Crib and Changing Table | Bedding by Glenna Jean

Shelving, Bookcase and Dresser: Ikea | Custom Wall Decals: Darden's Decal Designs

Quote Design: Me!

Belly Pics

2011-05-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

So, initially, I had extreme camera shyness for my bare belly. The ugly truth is... the inventory under my shirt is more than just a growing baby! I have a half moon tattoo that I got years ago! I still love it, but it's just another reminder of a decision I made YEARS AGO... when I was a size 4... with no intentions of getting PG any time soon! :P The moon has grown since we got married = gained lots of weight. And let's just say it's grown some more during this pregnancy!!

Next, I used to have my belly button pierced and on a whim I took out my ring a couple of years ago and never put it back in. You can still see the wonderful former home of my belly ring!

Thanks to 100% pure lanolin, I can say that I haven't received any stretch marks ...yet. So after thinking about the bare belly pictures and the fact that I didn't get any taken at my first maternity session, I started to regret that decision. I just knew I'd regret not having any pretty pictures of the belly for my first pregnancy!

Sooo.... this past weekend I lent the belly to Amanda with Unique Images by Amanda Brotherton. She's growing her photography business and she took a few shots of the belly. This was my favorite! Love it! So glad I decided to do this!

I haven't seen any of the pictures from our first maternity session. As soon as I do, I'll share!!

Never will it be the same...

2011-05-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Many emotions have been running through my body about how things are about to change so drastically. It's been just DH and I for 10 years! We starting dating in 2001 and I can remember distinctly that we were completely inseparable. We spent every waking and available moment with each other, and honestly, things haven't changed much since then! We'll be married 6 years in October.

Our days of it being just him and I are numbered, and that makes me a little sad. It's about to change in a major way and it will never be the same. One of my online friends mentioned that things will just transition into a "new normal" and I love to look at it that way!

[Don't read these words wrong. DH and I are over-freakin-joyed to be PG (finally!) and to be expecting the arrival of our first child!]

DH has shown me a completely different side of himself to me in the last 9 months. Every available conversation is baby related in some shape or form. He's so involved in the nursery planning, shopping, etc. He's never wanted to SHOP with me more than now! He's constantly asking about her movement and activity on a daily basis. He still gets a kick out of feeling her movements! I'm so incredibly lucky to have this man who genuinely cares about me and his daughter. I can't wait to see him holding his daughter.

DH has managed to mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare for his first child during this Spring semester and his grades are still remarkably high! I'm so proud of him. DH will be off and at home with our daughter till August 20th, when he'll start the Fall semester and take four classes. He will be in school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and on Tuesdays and Thursdays he'll be home with our baby girl! I'm so jealous. She will be in in-home daycare those 3 days a week with my dear friend, H, who takes care of 4 toddlers (one is her own)!

36 week update

2011-05-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

TMI update... Well, I'd be lying if I said this didn't excite me a little. It seems I'm starting to lose my mucuos plug! I know this doesn't mean much, but I can't help but to think SOMETHING is happening, and just maybe I'll have my little girl in my arms in mid May instead of late May or into JUNE!! I know I should want her to cook as long as possible, but if my body is ready and it goes into labor on it's own, then we are all ready for her arrival!

Losing the mucous plug did scare me a little, because I had 4-5 BH contractions within a 15-20 minute span, and that had never happened before!

DH and I have started to DTD more often to help soften my cervix. And taking walks when we're able. It is finals week for DH and I, so available time and energy is bleak right now. But next week is another story!! ;)

We've also planned to go to the Fort Worth Zoo on May 21st if I'm still PG! We've wanted to go to the zoo for so long. We've lived here in Fort Worth for nearly 4 years and never been! It's a MUST SEE if you're visiting here, so I'm stoked! DH and I are zoo kind of people! We've been on so many dates to different zoos, even went to zoo on our honeymoon! So the Fort Worth will be a FUN last date with DH if she's still in the belly on the 21st! I can't wait!

So the countdown is on and the bets are rolling in...

35 week update

2011-04-27T11:01:00.003-05:00

35 weeks, 35 days to go!!

So apparently, my daughter had a bit of a growth spurt in the last two weeks. I can't believe the amount of growth in my belly in only 2 weeks. I can't imagine getting any bigger!! I don't feel huge; however, I am starting to notice the difference in her movements. They are more noticeable, because she's bigger and running out of room. I'm also finding it more and more difficult to roll over in the middle of the night!

My OB visits continue to be boring. Thankfully, fundus always measures "perfectly" in my doctor's words, BP is normal, nothing spilling into urine, and no complications. My OB made a remark at my visit last week that I was the first "uncomplicated patient of the day"! Awwww!

I am crossing my fingers we can finish the nursery up this weekend, but I'm waiting for her wall decals to arrive and I'm not sure we'll get them by Friday or Saturday. :( If not, I'll be busy putting the finishing touches on her room AND studying for finals next weekend.

It's becoming more real that we'll be responsible for a newborn in a few weeks. I'm training my replacement at work who will be taking care of my job responsibilities at the office. I'm also working hard to make sure everything is ready to go when I go on maternity leave!

Freaking Out...

2011-04-20T12:55:00.001-05:00

I think I'm entering the "freak out" phase. The light at the end of the tunnel is so bright, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I'm about to start studying for finals. DH is also studying and on his last few days of normal class. ...and what happens after finals? What have we been waiting 9 months for? ...oh my.

Our to-do list and our to-buy list is getting shorter and shorter. I'm getting closer and closer to being officially emotionally and physically prepared for this baby girl to arrive. But, I'm also starting to ask myself. "What am I forgetting? This can't be everything! This doesn't seem like enough "stuff"... what am I forgetting?"

I don't feel 100% prepared for BF'ing yet. I'm in the middle of my first BF'ing book and I'm constantly reading posts on The Leaky Boob's Facebook page. I feel content knowing if I'm not 100% prepared I have those ladies to ask anything to! But I want to be 100% prepared. I don't want to "wing it", because I'll be easily discouraged and may give up quicker.

I'd also like to research some Bradley relaxation methods. I won't follow the Bradley Method, but I'd like to try some different things to help me through labor. Can't hurt, right?!

Fort Worth Shower and 33 week update

2011-04-17T17:21:00.002-05:00

Our local shower was last weekend. It was hosted by Cathy, my boss' wife, and my oldest sister, Melissa. The one word I can use to describe the event was Magical. They made this occasion so beautiful and classy! We enjoyed brunch foods to include biscuits & gravy, eggs, pastries, croissants, fruit, curdled cream, and the list goes on! The meal was accompanied by mimosas, bloody mary's, and orange juice (for me!). The ladies used the colors of the nursery and decorated with fresh flowers, feathers, and satin.

Both sets of parents came into town, as well as my middle sister and her family. This occasion was particularly important to me, because this was the first time my family would meet Dr. G (my boss) and his wife. They all know how fortunate I feel to work for such wonderful people, and I wanted them to see that first hand. I witnessed Cathy tell my mother that I was dropped here [in Fort Worth] by God. You can imagine how that made me feel.

-
So, I'll be 34 weeks in a couple of days!

I'm still feeling amazing and sleeping as good as I could possibly be, so I'm thankful! DH and I have turned the nesting into overdrive. We have a list of what is left to buy, and I'm so very thankful to our family and friends who have absolutely showered this baby in abundance with gifts, that our list is very short and only includes a few last minutes small items and a couple wants!

I'm still experiencing gallbladder pain. I had an ultrasound on Monday. The tech took lots of pictures, but my results came back normal. I may have buildup, but I have no stones. I may need a HIDA scan, but can't have one of those during pregnancy.

The tech did share two things with me. Baby girl has lots of hair! I was happy, but a little confused. I thought she was head down? ...YES, baby girl flipped and is now head UP! Grrrrrr. She's been head down for at least 5-6 weeks and now she's head up!?! This explains the strange circus acts I was feeling this weekend. And actually, as of this morning, I think I'm feeling taps of heels and feet again, so I'm crossing my fingers she corrected the error. :) Update: She is indeed head down again! She gets her indecisiveness from her daddy!

33 week belly pic...

A moment I enjoy and don't want to forget!

2011-04-08T11:02:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere that the baby doesn't "enjoy" what I eat/drink until 2 hours after the meal. I eat breakfast at about 7:30 am every morning. Lately, I've been drinking a glass of orange juice with my bowl of cereal. She LOVES orange juice!

It's like clockwork, every morning at 10 am, I get some little reminders that there's a bouncing baby girl in my belly! I feel her little feet way high in my belly!

If I rest my arm at the top of my belly, it feels like she's walking on my hand and arm! It's so comforting. I love it!
______

We had our 32 week OB check up yesterday. She's measuring perfectly still and I've gained back all but one pound from my sickness. Total weight gain - 12 pounds.

I talked with my OB about a pain I've been having. All signs point to the gallbladder. At this point in my pregnancy, I do not think they will do surgery to remove it, but he wants me to have an u/s done anyways. Ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, so we'll see what's in there.

Also, after I got home from our appointment we started to get the apartment cleaned and presentable for company this weekend. I think I started to feel my first BH contractions. I haven't been feeling these at all, but wasn't wishing for these to show up either! I'm still not 100% positive this is what I'm feeling. I guess it could also be baby girl's butt pushing up and out, because I feel that often! :)

Lastly, my daughter has nails... and probably long fingers like her momma. I feel her claw at my bladder and cervix often! It feels so strange, like she's trying to break out of there!! It worries me a little, because we've been told she's head down. Maybe she's messing with her beautiful brown locks! :)

Strange Changes in The Belly

2011-04-03T15:21:00.001-05:00

I'm not surprised, but it's a little freaky to look back at my last 3 belly pictures - one picture before I got sick, one during my sickness, and one post sickness.

I lost 7.5 pounds during the week I was battling the virus. I gained most of it back, but I'm still about 3 pounds away from what I was before. So my total weight gain went from 14 pounds to 11 pounds.

I've been doing some hardcore nesting lately. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the nursery is not finished. My goal date is still set for May 1st! I'm pretty confident I can achieve that! There are still some small things we need to get for this baby; however, I have my last shower next weekend, so I'm taking my time getting all of the loose ends taken care of.

We took our childbirth class this weekend. Working for an OB/GYN I thought it would be pretty boring, but it was actually pretty informational! I guess I really don't know everything about pregnancy and childbirth! :P I think daddy enjoyed the class as well! I asked him if he learned anything, and he said he didn't know I could poop on myself! lol. Oops! I guess I left that small detail out!

Another Fun Daddy Tidbit: Daddy heard baby girl's heartbeat loud and clear with his ear to my belly yesterday!! He loved it!

She's still head down... crossing fingers she stays that way! :)

Thoughts to my fellow infertiles...

2011-04-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

I've entered the home stretch - less than 8 weeks left. I'm about to enter a new chapter in my life. My life will forever be changed, and still, I feel like I'm leaving someone behind.

I have been given the greatest gift. Why me and not so many others that want the gift?

My journey was 3 years long. I didn’t intend for it to be so long, but God knew what was best for DH and I, and He knows what’s best for all of you too! It’s hard to WAIT, period. It's also so hard to wait for the truth - to finally face and listen to the truth when the truth doesn’t just come out and scream at you. He may make you wait longer than 3 years, but you’ll understand the “why” when it’s finally your time.

I feel like I’ve left you all behind - left you in that evil hell of infertility. I don’t wish IF on anyone, but I do believe it has made us all better mothers. We have longed for this with deep intense passion. With that passion, we will love and care for our children with every ounce of our being. We waited countless days for answers - sometimes answers we never received. Thus, we have been taught patience.

As I welcome this baby into the world, I will always be an infertile. My heart will always wear that label. I will never forget my journey. I will never forget or leave behind those who are still enduring their IF journeys. I will think and pray for you all often! This isn't goodbye.

So very close to hospital...

2011-03-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

(written on Friday)
Ok, so I hear that the 3rd trimester is the miserable one. First trimester is filled with the nausea, vomiting, stress of miscarriage, etc. Second is the best and, well, the third is miserable.

I started to feel the hip pains and waking up every 2 hours due to pain or pee. I struggle to roll over, get into, and get out of bed. Ok, so this is annoying, but I'm doing ok... until... stomach virus.

I'm going on day #3 of this horrible sickness. I suffered through day #1 in hopes that it was just a 24 hour bug, but nope, going on 72 hours now. At least I can bear to type and focus on the computer monitor today, without becoming horribly nauseated.

I had a regular OB appointment yesterday, so I know I'd be able to talk with him about the virus and hopefully go home with miracle meds. Well, my urine was nonexistent, it looked like Ziegenbock according to his nurse! He said if I didn't see improvement I'd be spending the weekend in the hospital. I was really surprised he didn't send me straight there.

(finished today)
Thankfully, I avoided the hospital vacation. I am finally 99% all better!! I can finally eat, but only tiny/small meals. I guess my stomach shrunk so much or baby took over the available space!

Here's a picture from our baby shower last weekend:

I had my first "Oh Shit!" moment yesterday.

2011-03-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

Maybe it finally hit me??

Our baby shower back home was this weekend! We were so excited to see everyone who was planning to be there! I was so overwhelmed by the "attention" and the "showering" of graciousness, that I completely forgot to take individual pictures with some of my long time friends who attended. :( I don't think I forgot to say "Thank You" though! I must of said it to each person 3-5 times, because I meant it!!

DH and I don't come from the most wealthiest of families. None of us were born with silver spoons in our mouths. We all work very hard to support our families, most without formal educations. So when the gift table was completely full and the floor below it as well, I was soooooooo overwhelmed with emotion. Everyone who surrounds me, family and friends, were there giving gifts to us and our baby. I've been given so much already and now I'm being given MORE!? Wow. How will I ever repay these people?

Thankfully, we weren't able to come home with everything. My in-laws will bring the rest of the gifts up to Fort Worth when they come to our local baby shower in a couple of weeks.

So last night after we got home I went through all of the babies things that we were able to bring back with us...got it all organized and ready for washing or put away... and it hit me. I looked around the nursery. The shelves are full, and I'm running out of room in her closet. I started to think of other ways to create more shelving or storage space. I said to myself "Oh Shit! We're really having a baby!" So I guess it finally hit me.

I expected the preparation for this baby to be so difficult for us. We don't have a lot of extra money to spend on baby things. That's just all there is to it. I expected to be shopping at garage sales and other used/consignment shops for items. I can't believe we're 'almost' set and it's been so easy... and FUN!

And I'm having another "Oh Shit." moment.... I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow..... oh shit. :)

A Riot?!

2011-03-16T20:59:00.001-05:00

If my math is correct, I haven't blogged in nearly 2 weeks. Wow. Time is flying, and unfortunately, I've been kept very busy with school. This week is Spring Break, but last week I had a comprehensive exam in Chemistry, a midterm in Chemistry Lab, a paper and exam in Drama and tons of homework and assignments due for Pysch. I was so stressed out! Thankfully, I made it through all of that... now I wish my professors would just post my grades!!

So I'm in the THIRD TRIMESTER!! It doesn't feel any different. Just a heart getting bigger and bigger to hold all the love I share for the LO inside!

I'm still experiencing some minor hip pain at night, and it's becoming more and more difficult to function with a big belly. I do feel her in my right rib sometimes, but if I sit up straight the pain goes away! I can't say I'm miserable yet.

Movement has definitely increased this week. One night I was convinced she was auditioning for the circus, and last night she was either rioting or trying to break out of there! She moves so much sometimes that it freaks me out a bit. Like how can she move soooo quickly with her limbs a flailing like that!? I'm enjoying it though!

And BOY has the belly grown. It wasn't until I took a belly pic today and looked at my last belly pic that I noticed a difference!

Baby Shower #1 of 2 is this weekend. We'll head south to Austin after work on Friday. I'm so excited! It seems that MANY of my friends, some whom I haven't seen in YEARS, will be in attendance!! I can't wait!

Dear Gestational Diabetes, I kicked your A%$!!

2011-03-04T09:38:00.001-06:00

Wahooooooo!!! I'm so thankful to be able to say this... I PASSED MY ONE HOUR GLUCOSE!!

With my insulin resistance, I was certain that I'd fail my 1-hr glucose and have to
take the 3-hour. I guess this Metformin stuff really works!! :)

So how did I do it?

Well, I give total credit to the Metformin and my body.

Some doctors require fasting, but my doctor actually said it was ok for me to eat before. They advised that it wouldn't be smart for me to eat a carb and/or sugar filled meal though. I contemplated fasting after midnight and taking the test first thing in the morning; however, when a friend told me that with our IR our bodies may actually hold onto the sugars in the orange drink MORE because of the "fasting", I totally rethought that decision.

So, at about 8:00 am, I ate a breakfast consisting of 2 eggs, a yogurt, and a glass of milk. I drank the orange drink at about 9:30 am.

My test result gave me an 85. Abnormal is 141. My result wasn't even slightly high! ...maybe the Metformin is working too much!

So so, thankful!

This pregnancy has been so wonderful to me. Now, I can't help but to think... what will/can go wrong? Maybe a difficult delivery? Maybe a c-section? Maybe she won't latch on? Maybe my milk won't come in?

27 weeks 2 days

2011-03-03T11:25:00.001-06:00

How far along: 27 weeks 2 days

Growth: Per DH, baby girl is as big as a head of cauliflower! My uterus is as big as a basketball! I think she weighs a little over 2 pounds.

Symptoms: heartburn and indigestion is lessening; hip pain; possible braxton hicks (still not 100% on these); leg cramps; swelling in ankles

Total weight gain: 11.5 pounds

Maternity clothes: The first maternity shirts I bought are becoming very faded and tight, so I've bought a couple more that are more comfortable and that I can grow into to! My scrub pants are very tight and very uncomfortable!! Eeck!

Stretch marks: No new ones, but thinking that I need to start using some creme or lotion again, just in case.

Movement: She has her days. Some days she's super active and others, not so much. Some days I feel her kicking towards my back and some days towards the front! I haven't grasped her size yet, so when she gets the hiccups, I'm totally surprised that I can feel her hitting both of my sides at the same time.

Sleep: Not the greatest. No longer sleeping on my back. Sleeping with a pillow between my legs to help with my hip pain, so rolling over and changing positions is getting more difficult.

Best moment this week: Did lots of shopping and booked our maternity and newborn photography sessions!

Food cravings: Still thoroughly enjoying my Biscuits and Gravy!

What I miss: Drinking! Ok, I said it. Yes, this week I've wanted to have a cold dark beer so bad! Or a mixed drink... yumm. After a stressful day, I just want to be able to go to happy hour with my hubby, drink a cold one or two or three, and RELAX! I miss those days!

What I am looking forward to: Getting my 1 hour glucose test results back. I'm nervous that I failed. :(

Milestones: I guess I've hit the 3rd trimester! Some say 27 weeks, some 28 weeks. You know me, I always go with the later of the dates, so I'll do my official celebrations next week! :)

How is daddy? He told me this week, he's ready for her to be here. Awwwwww! I melt when I hear him talk like that! Men are so funny. You never know how they are really feeling, and FINALLY after 3 years I know he wanted this as bad as me!! -- He has also read that he can hear the baby's heartbeat by placing his ear on my belly. He tried it the other night and said he only heard the gurgling of my stomach!

How are the grandparents? Still busy, but so ready for May! MIL and FIL addressed, stuffed, stamped, and mailed off 90-ish baby shower invitations this week! Wow.

Last week's belly pic.... 26 weeks 4 days.....

Nursery Planning - Ideas and Inspiration

2011-02-27T11:58:00.002-06:00

I think we're about 90% completed with the nursery planning phase. I stressed and stressed over the nursery bedding, which I knew would be the main inspiration point. I couldn't look at curtains, accent pillows, fabric lined baskets, wall decals, lamps, ... really anything without making a decision on the bedding.

The stress started when I couldn't find anything WE liked at Target or Babies R Us (where we registered). There were tons that I liked, but DH veto'd. (Looking back I'm glad he did, because I'm totally infatuated with the crib bedding set we ending up choosing!) I also stressed because at one point my sister and I were totally set on sewing a custom set! We had the pictures printed, the pattern picked out and purchased, and all of the measurements and totals written down..... the problem? I LOST the paper with all of the measurements. When I was ready to start buying fabric, it was no where to be found. Thanks Pregnancy Brain. Again, looking back, I'm glad I lost it! :)

So here it is! Our crib bedding, Lulu Sweet Potato by Glenna Jean:

This set was priced a bit more than I was planning on spending. Our original plan of sewing a custom set would have saved us at least $100-$150, so you can imagine how elated I was when my sister told me she would buy us our bedding! I was speechless when I found out she also added the mobile and valence to her purchase! I love my sister so!

Furniture
Our crib was purchased during Thanksgiving of last year, thanks to my wonderful in-laws!! We went with the Graco Lauren when it went on sale for about $130 w/ a FREE changing table!

DH and I purchased the chest of drawers in January and went with Ikea's Hemnes collection. We originally wanted to go with the tall 6-drawer chest, but when we realized that the 6-drawer was really only 1 large drawer more for $100 more, we went with the 3-drawer instead! The one large drawer and 2 small drawer difference wasn't worth an extra $100 in our opinion! We are very pleased with the drawer space and tall height on the 3 drawer option!

DH and I plan to add this shelving unit in March as the last piece of furniture for the nursery:

I'm undecided on a glider. The ones I love are $300-$400. Eeeeck!

Wall Decals
Since we're renting at the moment and unsure if we're going to stay here past October, we may just go with decorative wall decals to give the walls some color. I've found a guy who can duplicate the large flower decals seen on the picture of the crib bedding!

I'd also like to add our own version of these!

Her name above her crib... this will be tricky as we won't decide on a name until AFTER delivery! :)

...and this quote, which DH and I ~~loathe~~ CORRECTION by the college educated hubby who informed me I didn't know what "loathe" means: love. It's sort of our mantra within our marriage. We went without THINGS for 3 years to be able to bring this little girl into the world... and still be able to attend school... all while maintaining a one car household... with one full time income. And, we plan to continue to do so after she arrives!

Coming out of the blog closet...

2011-02-21T10:32:00.005-06:00

Originally, my blog was private. I didn't intend on telling the entire world I was infertile. I was going through something so horrible, that I didn't feel like I could talk with anyone (other than hubby, of course). No one I knew had ever battled this. I needed a place to write my private emotions, feelings, and decisions. My blog was accessible to those battling infertility (IF) like myself. Their comments and prayers carried me through, and I will be forever grateful to those ladies.

Today I make my blog public. If you're reading my blog for the first time, welcome! I hope that you or someone who is close to you is battling the hell called infertility, and just maybe our journey will help in some way whether it be motivational or knowledgeable. If you have no idea what IF is or if you're just nosy, I welcome you too!

I urge you to use the abbreviation key to the right. I use a lot of abbreviations and some readers can easily get confused.

Most people have no idea how hard we tried for this baby and I don't mean by having non-stop baby making sex (BD'ing)... so here's an outline of our IF journey:

- December 2007, decided it was time and we were ready to start a family. Discontinued birth control (BC).

- After reading TCOYF, started charting my cycles. Charts showed no ovulation.

- In 2008, battled a 6 mth long cycle. 2 FAILED attempts w/ Prometrium and 1 FAILED attempt with Natural Progesterone Cream to start a new cycle. Last attempt with Provera, finally brought a new cycle (aka AF)! (This was my first suspicion that I may have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS); my research on PCOS began); also tried herbs - Vitex and Soy Isoflavones

- December 2008, lab results came back w/ slightly high testosterone and diagnosed "borderline PCOS"

- During 2009, we went through six FAILED Clomid cycles. Ovulation (O) observed on first cycle. All other cycles, no ovulation. Battled large cysts after first and second cycles w/ Clomid.

- August 2009, we started to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)/Infertility Specialist who diagnosed me as "perfectly PCOS" after thorough testing of DH and I - hysterosalpingogram (HSG), sperm analysis (SA), misc blood work, etc.

- October 2009, I participated in a clinical research study for PCOS women who were attempting to conceive.

- After battling for 2 years, DH and I took a break and tried naturally for 6 months.

- After 6 months and further research, I asked to be tested for Insulin Resistance. My insulin levels came back ABNORMAL and I started to take Metformin to assist with the symptoms. Ovulation did not restore on it's own.

- August 21, 2010 (our last cycle in hell), took Femara 2.5 mg on cycle days 3-7 and ovulated for only the 2nd time in 3 years!!

- September 22, 2010, we were very surprised to learn our battle with infertility was over and a new battle began! :P

I always knew deep down, annovulation was our problem. Everything else checked out perfectly normal, except for the one little fact that I did not ovulate. I prayed to God that he would just give me that one chance. All I wanted was to ovulate just once. He gave me my chance, and I took every single bit of research and knowledge I had attained and used it!

Was Femara my miracle drug? Maybe. Or maybe it was the combo of Metformin and Femara. Over the course of the 3 years I lost about 20-25 pounds as well. I also changed my food choices to organic. Whatever the combination was, we found the right one! During the 3 long years of our journey, we cried, we hoped, I prayed, we researched, we endured disappointment, we felt relieved to have answers, we researched some more, we counted our blessings, ...but most importantly, we focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, and we believed one day we'd get there.

Today marks 99 days to go! If our baby girl were born tomorrow she'd have an 80-90% chance at survival. After going through what we've endured for 3 long emotional years, those numbers are comforting to Daddy and I and today we celebrate our baby girl!

Valentine’s Day

2011-02-14T19:29:00.002-06:00

My honest opinion of Valentine’s Day is this... It’s just another day with a label that requires everyone to spend money on unnecessary items. If your SO needs a day to say and do romantic things, you need a new SO! Just sayin’! Hah! You’d think I was single talking like that! :P

Well, it’s true!

This year I told DH that I didn’t want him spending (a.k.a. WASTING) money on Valentine’s Day gifts for me. If he was going to spend money, he needed to spend it on our daughter!! So, as my V-day gift, guess what I got?!?!

A HUMIDIFIER!!!!!!

I’m stoked! Because this is a MUST HAVE for baby girl. Here in Texas allergies are killer and if she’s our daughter she will battle them, like her parents do! We also have two dogs and a cat, so unless my baby has magical powers this item will be used!!

I’m so happy he bought the one we registered for AND he used a 15% coupon!! I teach him so well! And naturally it’s a FROG! DH’s TCU Horned Frogs = Frog Humidifier for baby girl! :P

Speaking of TCU...here’s what I gave DH for V-day!!

I had it custom made for him and our baby girl! It’s a TCU Cloth Pocket Diaper by Squeezie Cheeks!! It’s size small, so it won’t fit her for a while, but I LOVE it and DH loved it too!!

I did come home to a steak and lobster dinner AND fresh flowers! So he did go against the "no money spent on me rule", BUT he said he shopped around at 3 places before buying the flowers! I love him more and more when he makes an effort to save us money! :) Happy V-day Everyone! I hope you feel as loved as I do today!

Baby girl needs a name!

2011-02-10T10:07:00.005-06:00

I didn't realize naming our daughter would be so difficult. I thought that was the fun part!? I blame every bit of stress and agony on myself! I am OCD. I am a planner. I must plan every little detail. I must feel prepared. If I fail at least I know I did everything I could to PLAN ahead.

We both wanted a unique name - nothing TOO common, but nothing too over the top or foreign to the English language. So when choosing a name here's what I considered:

- the spelling and could it be easily pronounced and/or spelled
- the appearance when written in cursive - I swayed away from names starting with the letter I, because I don't like the way "I" looks in cursive or written in script letter. It appears like an "L" in some instances.
- her initials - My initials are AA or AGA (with middle name). I prefer her not to have a double initial like BAA or BBA, etc.
- the appearance of her monogram - My monogram reads AAG and I HATE the way that looks! I've never had anything monogrammed for this reason!
- the name meaning - must have a positive meaning, nothing negative (like devilish) or nothing too biblical (DH is Atheist).

Ok, so I'm little picky with all of these conditions, but we did come up with two favorites:

Option #1 - Helene Gayle (DH's favorite)
Meaning: "bright one" or "shining one" or "light"

We both loved Helene, but we struggled with choosing an appropriate middle name. Nothing seemed to flow well. She needed something short and sweet - maybe one syllable. After vetoing many middle names, DH suggested my middle name - Gayle. Not my most favorite name in the world, but it actually fit, and I wouldn't mind "giving" her my middle name. My oldest sister actually has my mom's middle name, so this was a little bit of a tradition we were starting here, I suppose. The one thing I don't like about this choice is her monogram. She would NEVER be able to have anything monogrammed, because it would appear like this:

Ummmm. No!

I'm ok with her never being about to have anything monogrammed. I did fine without it.

Option #2 and my favorite - Aiyana Helene
Meaning: "forever flowering" or "eternal blossom"

My favorite has always been Aiyana w/ the middle name of Helene. I love Aiyana, but I love Helene too! With this name I feared the spelling/pronunciation aspect. Will she be correcting incorrect pronunciations and spellings all her life? Possibly. But it's so beautiful and unique!

So how are we going to decide? We've decided to wait to name our daughter until we've met her! We'll give her the name that seems to fit her the best.

I wanted to incorporate her name into the nursery in a couple of places, so I'm a little bummed we'll need to wait to "finish" off her nursery. I think in the end though, we'll be more content to name her this way and not have to hear everyone's opinions of either choice for the next few months!

I added a poll to the top right of my blog. We would love to know which name is your favorite!

24 weeks - Week of Viability

2011-02-08T10:16:00.004-06:00

Today I noticed my babystrology.com widget says 112 days left. WOW. In 13 days I'll be saying "DOUBLE DIGITS-99 days left". WOW. That's crazy to think about...

Some say this is the "week of viability". If baby girl were to be born today, she would have a 40-70% chance at survival. Next week, her chance of survival jumps to 50-80%. Then at week 26, an 80-90% chance. A greater than 50% chance is great, but I'm most comfortable with the 80-90% chance at week 26! So, I'm going to hold off my celebrations for when I can say "99 days left". That will be a huge milestone and we'll have more than one reason to celebrate! I'm such an overachiever! ;)

I'm also planning to make my blog public on that day. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel like I'll be opening up all of my secrets to the world. Are they really secrets? NO. But that's what it feels like. I'm ready for the world to know what DH and I have been through, but I'm really bad with handling the comments, opinions, or judgments - especially the ones I didn't ask for. But, on the other hand, if my journey can help one person then it will all be worth it! :)

Things are still going great. I've been battling bad heartburn, indigestion, and some round ligament pain (RLP). But nothing I can't handle. I do think that sometimes I may have a braxton hicks contraction (BH). I'm not too sure though. It doesn't happen often or ever repeat itself in a short period of time, so I'm thankful for that.

Other than that, not much going on. We had 3 ice/snow days last week, so I didn't have class all week. They are forecasting another bad weather day for tomorrow. After being stuck in the house for 2 days straight I was itching to get out, but oh so scared to do so in my new car! I have to admit though, I thoroughly enjoyed my days off from work and school! I'm sure the next 2 or 3 weeks are going to be HELL playing catch up. :(

23 weeks and SNOW/ICE Day!!

2011-02-01T08:55:00.004-06:00

Sleet and snow on the roads = no school, no work, and no new mommy mobile anywhere near the crazies on the roads!!

How far along: 23 weeks

Growth: Baby girl is 11.3 inches from crown to heel and weighs about 1.1 pounds

Symptoms: heartburn and indigestion; bloody boogers and a very irritated nostril

Total weight gain: 8 pounds

Maternity clothes: All of the time. My drawstring scrub pants are starting to fit very snug and becoming uncomfortable.

Stretch marks: No new ones. I started using Palmers Tummy Butter last week. I hate it. It doesn’t smell good, and it stays on ALL DAY. I have to scrub myself HARD in the shower to get off the residue feeling it leaves behind. I’ve been using it maybe once every 2 days. I can’t imagine using it more often. I’m one of those people who know I’ll get stretch marks. I already have them from when I gained 30-40 pounds in my first year of marriage! The Palmers has been highly recommended to me, so what the heck, I’ll give it a try...

Movement: I feel her move daily, and I love it! She get hiccups very often or speculation says she's a very rhythmic dancer like her mommy was! She has her quiet times, and that's hard getting used to unless I'm focusing on school! She loves to distract me while I'm studying for school!! Sometimes she kicks so hard that I can see my body move! I can't wait till I can see my belly move!

Sleep: I’m starting to notice my legs falling asleep at night if I find myself sleeping on my back, so I’m trying my best to sleep on my sides to promote the best possible blood flow to baby. I’m not using any kinds of pillows yet, but I think they may be in my future very soon!

Best moment this week: Seeing lots and lots of production in the baby’s room! Clothes are washed, folded, and hung! Everything that was business related has been moved into our bedroom, so her room is starting to look like “her room!”

Food cravings: I don’t necessary crave it, but I thoroughly enjoy Biscuits and Gravy! I would eat it everyday if I could!

What I miss: When I was comfortable in my own clothes. Maternity jeans are so frustrating. They constantly sag and I have to pull them up all of the time. So annoying. Now I know why I always see PG women appearing so frumpy in public!!

What I am looking forward to: To having our baby girl here! I’m starting to get ‘those feelings’ of wanting her here so bad. I tell myself “No! You need to wait!” She’s nowhere near to being “done” and I don’t want her to be in the NICU for any amount of time, so I’m ok with waiting. But I am looking forward to having her in her room we’ve prepared and my new mommy mobile! We’re ready to be a family!

Milestones: Not necessarily a milestone, but I’ll be in my THIRD trimester in 4 weeks! Mommies in my due date group are hitting the 3rd Tri and I didn’t realize it was just right around the corner for me!

How is daddy? Still super excited! I love to see him all giddy and the twinkle in his eye he’s acquired!

How are the grandparents? Busy. MIL and FIL are starting to gather the names and addresses for the baby shower. There are 120 adults already on the guest list thanks to both of our very very large families; not to mention probably 50-60 kids. (Note: Shower will be co-ed. They always are.)

Here’s my belly pic from 22 weeks...Still waiting for my B bump to turn into a C bump! :) (It's absolutely amazing how much dirtier the bathroom mirror looks on camera than in person! Gross.)

My NEW Mommy Mobile!!

2011-01-31T12:38:00.003-06:00

I'm still truly sad our Altima didn't last us a long time. I wanted to enjoy driving a car with no car payment, but sometimes I can't always get what I want! I know long term DH and I will love the piece of mind knowing we're carting around our baby girl in a reliable car, and we won't have to stress or worry about it breaking down on us with the baby in the car ...in triple digit Texas heat!

So, long story short, we looked into a Chevrolet Equinox! We went to one dealership and realized maybe it was going to cost too much. We had a number and we needed to stick to it! So we started to look at the new Chevy Cruze.! The price was about $5K less. It was smaller than the Altima, so we worried a little bit about convenience when we travel to Austin with baby and 2 dogs. Again, we were sticking to our number and couldn't complain.

Then, after about a week of car shopping we both came home exhausted and frustrated. Deep down we both wanted the Equinox. We continued to shop around and found new Equinoxes advertised for $19,995 in Frisco. We proposed this to our dealer and, even though, they would be losing $$ on the deal (supposedly!) if the other dealership was going to do it, then so were they! In the end, we got what we wanted for only $3K more than we were going to pay for the Cruze!! We stuck to our number and we still got what we wanted! A beautiful 2011 White Chevrolet Equinox!

Honestly, this was our best car shopping experience by far! We took our time and shopped around for WEEKS! It was exhausting and frustrating but in the end it paid off! We are 100% positive we got the BEST possible deal! My BIL has "connections" in the GM business who confirmed that we got a GREAT deal on this car. I feel so good about this purchase!

I'm so looking forward to having our family in this car! DH and I are so in love with it!

FINALLY, Daddy feels movement!

2011-01-24T15:04:00.000-06:00

She's been super active lately and sometimes she kicks so hard that it startles me! I've been getting frustrated with DH, because I would put his hand on my belly, push gently... but apparently too hard, because all he could feel was HIS PULSE!! Then, she'd kick and I could see OUR hands move... and he couldn't feel her. ...OMG.

Then, finally, the hard kicks came back with a vengeance last night - may have been hiccups too! I placed his hand there and FINALLY, he feels her! He looks at me with huge bug eyes and says "Whoooaa! That was weird!" Haha - love him.

Willpower. Determination. Strength.

2011-01-21T10:42:00.002-06:00

I've never questioned my ability to raise a child; however, when it comes to our particular situation I have most certainly questioned my ability to juggle a full time job, a new baby, my marriage, my company, AND continue to go to school.

My attitude has been "We'll see what happens..." I never intend to QUIT school; however, I have played with a few different ideas of what I may do.

Now, keep in mind, DH will *always* be in school! He's successful. He has drive, and he will graduate with his degree in 2.5 years. That will never change - baby or not!

My schooling has always been put second, and I recongize my ability to attend school as an amazing *oppurntunity*! After baby arrives in May, both DH and I will take both summer semesters off. He will return to school in the Fall, BUT will I return as well? No question, I will do my best to take on at least 2 online classes; however, for my degree plan I must take a science lecture and lab EVERY Spring and Fall semester, which means no online class... rather on campus classes!

Will we be forced to purchased a second vehicle? Can we even afford that? Probably not. That's my first obstacle.

Next is, can I even do it?

I want to EBF (exclusivly breastfeed). This does not mean directly from my breast 100% of the time. This means I want her to have only breastmilk for atleast the first 6-9 months. I know there are SO many factors that go into my ability to do this, so I'll cross those bridges when I get there. But in my mind, if I'm able to EBF long term, I will be required to pump at work - no problem (logistically). I will pump in the car, in public, whereever I need to. I will be completely committed to BF and completely commited to my child.

But will I be completely commited to school? I need to be. Especially for the sake of my new baby and her future! But will my time (what time, right?), energy level, and everything else be perfectly aligned to ensure I'm able to include school into the mix??

I'm not sure.

I have the support of my wonderful husband who is willing to ensure I'm able to attend school, but what if I become completly overwhelmed. What if I feel like I can't do it, like it's too much for me.... when really, is it too much? Or am I allowing it to overwhelm myself?

God delivers the answers...

So I'm walking through the student center at school yesterday and a travel system catches my eye. I think "What is a infant carrier and stroller doing in the student center? This is weird." As I countine to walk, I realize that next to the travel system is a mommy sitting on the couch covered by ironically the same exact Bebe au Lait Nursing Cover I registered for! As I keep walking to my class, it totally dawns on me... she's a mom, with an infant, BF her baby AT SCHOOL! Wow.

I wanted to say something to her. The visual she gave me moved me. I don't know her exact situation. Does she have one car too? Does she have an amazing partner who supports her? I do know one thing. What she exhibited to me was what I WANT to be able to do. She was doing the best for her child by comitting to BF AND she was at school furthering her education. She could have been at home BF in the privacy of her own home. Or she could have chosen to FF (formula feed) by bottle, avoid the awkward looks, and attend school. But she wasn't.

I was amazed, and for the first time, I was given confidence that if she can do it, SO CAN I!

21 weeks and lots of baby updates!

2011-01-18T16:43:00.004-06:00

Movement: I felt the baby from the outside for the first time on Thursday. I literally saw my arm move! Unfortunately, she hasn't been that active since, and DH hasn't had the privilege to feel her. Thursday is his birthday and I think, she's making him wait so she can give him her "gift"!

Cankles: I have cankles already. Nice. Isn't it a little too early for this? Ugh. So depressing. I MUST increase my water intake, decrease the salt, and start working out again!! Ugh. I have no other excuse! Honestly, I don't mind the cankles right now as they're covered up all of the time, but I'm really hoping my fingers aren't next. Fat fingers = no wedding rings = very very sad A.

Diaper Stash: We are 95% done with our NB (newborn) diaper stash!! I'm so giddy! I still need to research more on inserts and cloth wipes. Then, purchase both and we'll be 100% DONE for 0-3 months (maybe longer!).

DH's birthday: So, DH and I have never really been "gift" type of people. We always go out to a nice dinner, but rarely do gifts AND dinner! When you're both students (now with a baby on the way!) you realize materialistic items are in no way necessary in life! So this year, I wanted to surprise him with gifts! I've always known I was married to an amazing man, but I didn't think I'd realize he's even more amazing than I thought. With this pregnancy, he has been so thoughtful. He won't let me carry anything heavy including multiple loads of groceries up to our 2nd floor apartment. He constantly asks if our baby girl is/was active today. And he actually wants to go shopping if it entails anything for this baby! He gets as excited as me to get fluffy mail (cloth diapers) and to even put furniture together!! He truly amazes me.

So for his birthday, I thought really hard, and I realized how his frivolous spending on xbox360 games has completely disappeared. Now, he sells his games on craigslist and uses that money to buy a new USED one! He never buys new games anymore. Also, he used to spend about $100 a year or more on Xbox Live subscriptions. (This is required if you want to play "online" with people around the world.) He used to really enjoy playing with his "online" friends, but he hasn't purchased a new subscription in a very long time. I appreciate all of the money savings on his part so much!

I also started to realize that his personal time is about to completely diminish. I mean, he's not a party animal by any means, but when he's home on Saturday night, he's always playing his xbox360. It's probably the only thing he does for himself to "get away"!

I want him to have as much "personal" fun time as he can possibly get in before this baby comes. So, I bought him a 1 year subscription to Xbox Live. After this baby is born, I know it is going to be extremely exhausting, especially since he'll be home with her while I'm at work, so I will urge him to get in "his" time as often as he can! With this subscription, he'll be covered for one year!

I'll probably put a card on his subscription "from his daughter" and add a note that says something like "Daddy, You better enjoy this as much as you can before my arrival!"

And also as a fun gift from myself, I purchased this T-shirt from Cafe Press. We found this online one day very early on in this pregnancy, and he loved it. I can't wait to see his face when he unwraps this!

Nursery Furniture: After a trip to Ikea yesterday, we have one piece of furniture left to buy!! We have the crib, changing table, and the dresser/chest of drawers!! Since I'll be in class till 9 pm on DH's birthday, he says he's going to have his own little "party" at home and start to put all of the furniture together!! lol!

20 weeks 1 day - HALFWAY THERE!!

2011-01-12T12:52:00.001-06:00

2-0

Wow...

To look up at that ticker and see a number that begins with a TWO... Wow. I'm so grateful and so thankful to have made it to 20 weeks! Baby and I are halfway there. There are no words to describe how excited DH and I are! We're not even halfway ready physically, but we're so ready emotionally!

In the next couple of weeks, I think, we'll start the guest bedroom/nursery transformation. It's currently a guest bedroom with piles and piles of her stuff, business stuff, and misc junk. I want to get it cleared out and organized for her! Realistically, I'd like to be 95% ready one week before finals (approx. by May 1st). Remember, I'm the OCD planner and that's my "goal" date I'm setting! Then, after finals are over for both DH and I, we (hopefully!) have a couple of weeks to wrap up any last minute details before we welcome her home!

So far, this pregnancy has been a breeze! I wish I could say that I've returned back to my usual workouts, but I haven't. My excuses include: the holiday craziness, buying a new car, stressing about buying a new car, waiting for my new car (details coming SOON!!), it's 25 degrees outside (I walk to the gym from my office), and I don't have access yet to the gym at home. Sounds pretty good huh?

I've continued to feel movement daily. These days she's pretty quiet. I feel her most in the mornings and at night. I think she's a pretty chill baby... for now!

I've started to SPEND MONEY on this little girl!! Luckily, mostly everything I've purchased are necessities! Details coming SOON!

We have chosen names! I have my favorite and DH has his! We'll take both to the hospital, meet our little girl, and give her the name that fits her best! Details coming SOON!

My mind has been in overdrive lately, because I have one available week left before Spring semester starts for me. I've been reading my books as much as I can and researching as much as I can! The BIG decision - we've decided we will CLOTH DIAPER!! So that has taken up most of my "researching" time!

Here's my 20 week bump pic! Sorry about my finger being in the way! I think I still look fat, rather than pregnant! The little indention in between what I call my "top bump" and "bottom bump" still exists! When it vanishes I'm sure I'll feel like I look PG! :)

18 weeks 2 days

2010-12-30T19:15:00.003-06:00

How far along: 18 weeks

Growth: DH loves to keep up with the fruit/vegetable size comparisons and yesterday he told me... "She's a mango today!" Those were his exact words!! lol!! My visual was of my baby turning into a mango! :) According to a couple of other resources, it appears she's 5.59 inches from crown to rump and 6.70 ounces now!

Symptoms: none other than fetal movement!

Total weight gain: +5.5 lbs ..I'm proud of this considering I'd probably gain about 5 lbs over the holidays and baby girl was 6 ounces at 17 weeks!! So in my mind, we're right on target - lol!

Maternity clothes: Oh yes! My scrubs are still fitting me for work, but I do have some that I'm about to retire any day now. :(

Stretch marks: No new ones.

Sleep: The last 2 nights I've been in bed by 8:30 pm! I've been getting about 11 hours of sleep! Let's just say I'm enjoying these last few months of sleep!

Best moment this week: Registering at Babies R Us with DH. He was so excited to get the opportunity to park in the "Expectant Mothers" parking space!!!

Movement: I've been feeling lots of movement on a daily basis! No hard kicks or punches yet! Just taps and wiggles for now!

Food cravings: None.

What I miss: Wearing my Miss Me jeans!

What I am looking forward to: Ringing in the new with my loving husband at my side! This New Year has so much meaning for us!!

How is daddy? I don't think I've seen him more happy and excited about this baby!!

17 weeks 2 days

2010-12-23T17:36:00.004-06:00

My stress level has reached an all time high for this pregnancy. Nothing at all having to do with the pregnancy or the baby - everything having to do with our vehicle. Being a one car household is extremely financially rewarding, especially when your 2004 is so close to being paid off. In my mind, it was going to be perfect. We'd have a paid off vehicle and if we wanted to get another vehicle we could. Then, we'd be a two car household with one car payment = great! Well great went from great to horrible real quick. I won't bore you with the mechanical details, but as of this morning it wasn't running. Hopefully some time very soon I'll be able to say I have a new car...

In much better news, I've been feeling movement. The first tickles were on 15w4d - actually the day of my last blog post. It felt as if my pants had shifted a tiny bit and it tickled. For the next 3 or 4 days I continued to feel this once or twice a day. Then the taps started and one night while I was in bed it happened about 3 or 4 times. I was positive of what I was feeling. Ever since Tuesday (17 weeks) I've been feeling the taps throughout the day! I even think I've startled her a couple of times! It's so weird to think of how tiny she still is and how I'm able to feel movement already! She was moving so much a few minutes ago that I put my hand firmly on my belly and I thought I felt her, so I told DH and he immediately put his hand on my belly. She moved and he said "I think I felt her!" Everyone was right! I love this part of pregnancy!!

Our anatomy scan was on Tuesday at 17 weeks. I was worried that this may be too early, and I feared that something may not look right or developed enough. I would have been so grateful to get another chance to check on her, but I didn't want the extra stress and worry on top of our car issues. Luckily, everything looked and measured perfectly!! I think we have a perfectionist on our hands!!!

And lastly, if you've noticed I've continued to say SHE and HER, because as of Tuesday she is definitely still a SHE!! We're have a baby girl! I'm so excited!!!! We do have a couple of names picked out, but we're not 100% yet. I really wanted to pick a name before the shower or definitely before delivery, but we're so undecided on these two names, that we may want to meet her before we choose! Here's a pic from our scan:

My other life

2010-12-11T16:09:00.004-06:00

Having our first child is definitely a huge part of our lives now! It's the topic of conversation 9 times out of 10, but I do still live "my other life." I'm still a student, business owner, and full time employee for the world's greatest OB/GYN; however, now I'm a pregnant student, pregnant business owner, and pregnant employee!

Finals are upon me. I'm studying for two this weekend and completing a take home final by Tuesday. As of Tuesday evening, hopefully I can say that I'm done with Fall Semester 2010!! Too bad Winter Break is only a few weeks long before Spring semester starts. I'm taking a Chemistry class next semester. Do you think my 8 month pregnant belly will be a science lab hazard?!?! lol.

Speaking of my belly... I've had a few requests for belly pics and I'm grateful to say my belly hasn't grown that much! I've only gained about 2 or 3 pounds and I don't think it was in my belly - maybe my booty! Here are my belly pics from 8 weeks and this week! Not a huge difference, maybe because I was overweight to begin with or I have a tiny little girl growing inside!! I do notice changes in my belly. I'm no longer able to wear most of my pre-pregnancy jeans, my belly sticks out more when I'm sitting down, and I can no longer sleep on my back for very long (can't breathe!!).

Sleeping has become more difficult. I cannot roll over as easily as I used to. I have been experiencing minor back pains in the morning, so I'm thinking I may need to buy one of those pregnancy pillows soon. I can tell I'm totally out of shape. School has taken all of my available gym time from me. I'm so eager to get back into the gym. I hate being out of breath so often! I feel so sluggish.

Getting used to the idea of having a GIRL...

2010-12-05T09:49:00.002-06:00

I know our scan wasn't 100%, so I've kept an open mind, but I've been looking at other u/s videos and pictures and I'm convinced we're having a girl!

Everyone, including myself, was proven wrong! I felt like I was carrying a boy. I guess my intuition isn't off to a good start! It's strange saying "she", but, oh my goodness, was it fun looking at girl stuff at the mall yesterday!! I do have to say I'm positive having a girl will be so much fun... and probably very expensive!!

I'm looking forward to the "Daddy's Girl" and the "Apple of his eye" aspects. I can't wait to see how DH reacts to a baby GIRL!!

I was able to get the video upload online, if you'd like to humor yourself. I apologize for the blurriness. I had to crop the video to exclude my full name, birth date, and doctor's name, and it compromised the quality. :(

14 weeks 3 days

2010-12-03T10:25:00.004-06:00

sigh... It's been difficult getting back to reality after the Thanksgiving Holiday. We traveled south to Austin to see our family and friends. It has been almost a year since we were there last, so it was so great to see our family and friends that we had not seen in so long! Talk was all about baby!

I did have an appointment yesterday at 14 weeks 2 days. We did get a very thorough u/s and DH and I were so very grateful! Doc says we have a healthy baby who measures right on time! I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I have to be honest, I was a little too preoccupied about possibly getting an idea of the gender prior to my appointment; however, while I was laying down looking at my baby that notion completely escaped me when he measured the head, the belly, and the heart rate and everything was perfect! Then, doc looks between the legs and asks "Would you like any ideas on gender?" I immediately said "Yes!"

Doc is 80% sure we are TEAM PINK!!!

I'm driving myself crazy about the gender stuff though. Please don't get me wrong, first and foremost, I'm forever grateful we have a healthy baby; one that we've waited for for so so long!! I couldn't ask for anything more!! But here are my worries about the gender. During my u/s's at work and my u/s yesterday w/ my doc, both during 14 weeks, we saw 2 lines, but nothing sticking out... I know my doctor has been doing this for a long long time, and I'm trusting that he's right, but I can't help to think doesn't 2 lines mean boy?

We have our anatomy scan on December 21st, so I just need to wait it out, stop getting u/s's at work, and just stop thinking about it!!

If baby cooperates, I will be forever grateful that we will have confirmation by CHRISTMAS!!!!

Here are a few pics from my scan yesterday...

13 weeks (Thanksgiving Style)

2010-11-24T10:20:00.001-06:00

I’m so thankful for…

- …making it to 13 weeks and being that much closer to the 2nd trimester.
- …the baby growing inside of me.
- …the IF journey DH and I endured for 3 years as it taught us many valuable traits that we will now carry into the next chapter in our lives.
- …my job (a.k.a my paycheck).
- …my Christmas Bonus I’m receiving on December 9th.
- …the opportunities my job has given me; to include being within arm’s reach of a fetal heart rate Doppler and ultrasound machine.
- …my boss who is by far the best boss I’ve ever worked for.
- …my friends and family who have supported us and held us up when we were down.
- …my blog readers who always make me smile and laugh.
- …Melissa with Prenate Essential who brought me a Nonfat White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks this morning. I heart her.
- …going through the 1st Trimester with no vomiting.
- …my in-laws who have already purchased our crib and changing table for us, and who are taking me shopping on Black Friday for maternity clothes. I love them so much.
- …my hubby who possesses a twinkle in his eye at the sight of anything reminding him of this baby, and who does so much for me around the house to include all of the laundry and washing the dishes. What would I do without him?
- …my two dogs who always know how to cuddle on my lap and make me smile. I can’t wait to introduce them to this baby.
- …all of the young moms around me who are wishing me the best and who are doing their best to prepare me for motherhood.
- …the maternity pants I broke down and purchased this week. They are so much more comfortable than the pre-pregnancy jeans I was trying so hard to squeeze into.
- …Mandy, my TTC buddy from TB, who always takes the time out of her busy day to write me a very long email. Hopefully we’ll be PG buddies very soon!!!
- …school. It has taught me how important my college education is.
- …all of the many things I have to be thankful for.

Uh oh...

2010-11-19T15:28:00.002-06:00

So last night DH and I went out to dinner, did some shopping, and went grocery shopping. When we finally got home, I...correction... my uterus was aching so bad. I immediately jumped in bed and felt relief.

Then, this morning I noticed my belly looked bigger. Was it the fat filled dinner I ate last night or did all of that walking make my ute drop and stick out more?!?! I don't know.

Then, at work, I'm wearing probably my biggest most comfortable pair of scrub pants... I'm so uncomfortable! My belly is bulging out! I hope I'm retaining water or something. I'm not ready to be too big for my clothes right now. I'm only 12.5 weeks!! I'm going to gain 5 to 10 pounds next week, I just know it! And I'm going to be so miserable!

12 weeks

2010-11-16T11:40:00.002-06:00

Some would consider today THE DAY...the safe zone. Some wait until this week is over and some wait even after that! I've decided to wait until Thanksgiving to change my mental note from "1st Trimester" to "2nd Trimester". If I make it to Thanksgiving, I'll have a lot to be thankful for! But, I did congratulate myself this morning for 3 months! I feel great to have made it this far.

I have been taking belly shots and I do think the belly is starting to stick out more! I'll post pics soon, I promise!

C, my good friend and coworker, did find the heartbeat on the doppler today! We tried at 11 weeks and couldn't find it. After today, I realized we may have been searching to high, because we found it very very low near my pubic bone. It was 166 BPM! So happy! I texted it to DH, but I think he's still in class. I can't wait to hear his response! He loves to "hear" news from the baby!

Symptoms are, for the most part, gone! My huge boobies are here to stay I'm sure. I've had a pesky headache for the past 3 days. Last night it was on the verge of migraine. I almost took Tylenol today, but luckily, it went away for the most part! I'm holding off on taking any meds unless I absolutely have to.

11 weeks

2010-11-09T11:03:00.002-06:00

Instead of journaling today, I wanted to just ramble about how I'm feeling at this moment. I'm still incredibly grateful for making it this far. I'm also grateful for the easiness of this pregnancy so far! I battled nausea for 2-3 weeks and real bad indigestion for a few days, but other than that I've been fine! No vomiting, no scary cramping, and even my boob soreness is easing up.

The best moment this past week was actually two separate events. One, I talked with my mom via telephone this week and I actually learned that she wasn't sick at all with any of her pregnancies (4 total). I never knew! And she also craved chicken fried steak with her first pregnancy! So funny, because I've been craving that too!! And second, my husband's response and look on his face when he realized I had a baby bump! I actually call it my "night bump". I've noticed (because I've been taking belly pics) that in the morning I have a little bump, but at night, I have a baby bump!! I pulled up my shirt one night, sucked in my fat, and the response I received from DH was priceless!! I'll never forget the laugh we shared!

I'm really starting to stress about maternity clothes and scrubs for work. I'm at that point where I probably need to start buying some clothes and scrub pants. I may be able to hold off on the scrub pants for a couple/few more weeks, but they are getting tighter!

And lastly, I constantly stare at my baby's most recent u/s pic! I love it! I've stared at it so much that DH and I think it's a boy only because it looks like he's kicking a soccer ball! Or maybe a girl and a dancer like mommy was! :D Who knows?!?!

Our first "official" u/s

2010-11-04T17:45:00.005-05:00

My OB doctor checked up on the baby today! The baby has gotten so much bigger and it's heart was beating as fast as ever! It was a beautiful sight! The baby moved a little bit, just one hand and a foot, but it was fantastic to see! DH said he almost cried when he saw the movement.

Baby is measuring 9w4d, but after I expressed how surprised I was he said there's a margin of error of 1-2 weeks and it's just an estimate. I know when I O'd so for now we're sticking with our current dates, but we'll keep an open mind. For all we know, this baby may have been a late implanter, and we'll have a June baby instead!!

Other than that, everything is good!! I'm feeling much better lately. I think I'll get back to my workouts next week.

Double Digits!! 10 weeks!

2010-11-02T12:11:00.002-05:00

How far along: 10 weeks

Symptoms: Sore boobs, blah no energy feeling, indigestion

Total weight gain: 1.5 lbs

Maternity clothes: I put on my Miss Mes this week and, boy, were they uncomfortable. I may be on the verge of breaking out the belly band.

Sleep: Sleep has been horrible lately. I wake up and can’t go back to sleep. So annoying! I don't mind getting up to going pee, but I used to be able to get back in bed and fall right back to sleep - no more!

Best moment this week: Surprise u/s by my boss! We took a quick peek via abdominal u/s, saw a growing baby, and quick heartbeat! I was relieved to see our baby as we had not seen s/he since 7 weeks.

Food cravings: Corndogs, biscuits and gravy

What I miss: Having energy. Working out at the gym.

What I am looking forward to: U/s on Thursday w/ DH!!

Milestones: Double digits and a quarter of the way there!! So grateful to have made it this far!

How is daddy? Still busy with school. He has started to touch my belly and I think it’s so cute even though it’s all FAT!

How are the grandparents? Still as happy as ever! My dad called me yesterday to check on “the baby”! So cute!

This sucks.

2010-10-28T13:00:00.003-05:00

There I said it. Yes, I'm complaining.

I've tried so hard to refrain from saying this to myself and most importantly keep it from coming out of my mouth.

I know there are millions of women who continue to deal with the evil of IF; who would give anything to be in my shoes. But this sucks!!

And I'm not puking. Nope. Just nauseous. Go ahead - slap me.

Lately, I've been reminiscing about those lovely days when I worked from home. I had so much flexibility. I could take naps if I wanted. I could sleep in if I wanted. Ugh.

You see, I've been so lucky lately. No puking, no indigestion, no heartburn, no "official" morning sickness. I've been eating whatever I want! If I wanted a fatty meal...I ate it. Ever since the clock ticked "9 weeks", my stomach has been in revolt. INDIGESTION is evil.

I think I've determined that I cannot eat or DRINK what I enjoy any longer. I'm doomed.... and secretly hoping these evil things go away in 3-4 weeks....please. Feeling miserable.

9 weeks

2010-10-26T16:17:00.002-05:00

How far along: 9 weeks

Growth: Baby is 1 inch like a green olive – YUMM!

Symptoms: fatigue, boobs are still sore, I’m always hungry, indigestion, my nausea was GONE, but returned today after lunch

Total weight gain: 1.5 lbs

Maternity clothes: I bought some maternity shirts that were $3 - $4 from JcPenneys and Kohls, but not wearing anything yet.

Stretch marks: no new ones yet, but one side of my hips are looking like they are pink?

Sleep: Most nights are ok. But when I can’t sleep it’s bad. I’m usually up for an hour or two.

Best moment this week: I woke up abruptly to not a voice, but a loud vision or thought of…… “BOY!” Was someone trying to tell me something?! This was funny. I’ll never forget it, especially if it’s a boy!

Movement: Obviously, nothing I can feel; however, my pregnancy week by week resources say the baby had begun to move!!

Nickname: Thanks to Daddy the baby is called “Tadpole”. Hopefully this will change, because the vision of a tadpole, when the baby looks more like a baby, now bothers me a little.

Food cravings: Chicken Fried Steak and gravy

What I miss: feeling normal and refreshed

What I am looking forward to: Nov 4th – first official u/s w/ DH at my side!

Milestones: Baby is no longer an embryo. He/She has been promoted to fetus!!

8 Weeks and First Appointment

2010-10-19T13:03:00.004-05:00

How far along: 8 weeks

Symptoms: nausea and very sore boobs

Total weight gain: 2.5 (Yes, that's correct. A weight gain of 3.5 in one week. ::slapping myself:: My in-laws love to stuff our mouths! Now more so than ever. So I blame it on them!)

Maternity clothes: None, yet, but my jeans are starting to become uncomfortable. I may go get one of those belly band thingys soon.

Sleep: I've been sleeping much better lately!

Best moment this week: Telling my in-laws!

Food cravings: Foods I wouldn't normally eat. Chicken Friend Steak w/ gravy, biscuits w/ gravy, fried foods, Arbys.

What I miss: Time flying by. I'm so eager to get to Thanksgiving and time seems like it's going by so slow! :)

What I am looking forward to: My next appointment on Nov 4th, which will be our first official u/s!

Milestones: Announcing that we are expecting!

How is daddy? Super excited! I love to see him all giddy!

How are the grandparents? I don't think words can describe how they feel right now! Thankful, excited, happy, relieved, excited, happy, joyous, ecstatic, thankful, ....

FIRST APPOINTMENT

So the first appointment wasn't as exciting as we imagined. All the doctor did was a pap smear, breast and pelvic exam, and got all of my history and junk. He said that he prefers to do complete blood work and ultrasound at 10 weeks. Weird. Even my boss admitted that's weird. Oh well. What can I do?! So our next appointment is November 4th, which will put us at 10w2d.

Lots of Updates and News

2010-10-17T16:26:00.008-05:00

THURSDAY

I had my workplace u/s on Thursday. We were able to see the heartbeat again. It was much more clear and faster! The baby and sac had grown. I was relieved to see growth. Since we're just taking a peek and not doing measurements, I was truly relieved to see the change in growth since last week! We didn't get great pictures this week, so I won't share the little blobs we captured! I have my first appointment on Monday and I'm crossing my fingers and toes he does an u/s! If he does, and everything is good, then I will not have one at work.

That night we shared the good news with more close friends, my middle sister (oldest already knew!) and my parents. The responses we received were absolutely unforgettable! Most of our close friends and family know how we've yearned for conceiving, so when they shed tears and said things like "God answered our prayers." and "Because you've waited so long, you both are going to be great parents." it truly touches our hearts.

FRIDAY

I had been waiting for this day for years. Not because it was our 5 year wedding anniversary, but because I had dreamt and imagined what it would be like to tell my mother in law we were PG. I have the best relationship with my mother in law. I love her to death. She's been waiting to hear the news of a grand baby for nearly a decade. Yes, since we've been dating! :D

But, because it was our 5 year wedding anniversary, it made the reveal so much more special. On Friday morning I was having so many emotions. I was excited to tell my in-laws, but nervous, because we had planned exactly how we would surprise her, and what if it didn't go just right? I was also thinking of 5 years ago. What was I doing at that very moment 5 years ago? And feeling the love for the life I was growing inside me and the love I've shared with this man, my husband, my soul mate. It amazes me how the love between us only gets stronger and stronger with every passing year.

The Reveal

So the plan was to display a sign on our guest bedroom door (future nursery). We knew my ILs would go to the guest room first to drop off their bags. So I put my creative graphic designing skills to work and created this lovely sign for the door.

I also didn't want my parents to feel totally left out, so we designed a separate "sign" for both sets of grandparents. For my ILs, we displayed both on the door.

So I'll set the scene... Friday afternoon my ILs arrive in Fort Worth and enter our apartment. As planned, they immediately go straight to our guest bedroom. If you listen carefully on the video below you can hear my MIL saying she needs to take her blood pressure pill... Boy, will she!! She may need TWO! After she discovers the signs and doesn't get a verbal answer from DH or I, I have to point at the digital PG test that says "Pregnant". Then, you'll notice her head hitting the door and the tears start to flow.

7 weeks

2010-10-12T16:46:00.003-05:00

I figured 7 weeks was a perfect time to "journal"...

How far along: 7 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I’m down one pound.

First symptom: Mild cramping

Who was the first person, other than DH, that you told: My BFF back in Austin, T. It was her birthday, so I called to wish her happy birthday and give her the news! Last year on my 4 year wedding anniversary she told us she was PG! Her baby is 4 months now.

Will you find out the sex: Yes, definitely! At first I had a Boy “feeling”, but now I catch myself saying “her”.

Sleep: I’ve been going to sleep a little earlier than normal – 9 – 10 pm. Recently, I haven’t been sleeping well. I constantly wake up and go pee, then, can’t go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Designing the signs we’re going to use for our reveal to the in-laws. More details about those coming soon!

Food cravings: I’m positive this is a craving, because I don’t normally have a sweet tooth.... cake! ...and cookies! ...and ice cream!

Have you bought any baby stuff: Nothing other than the onesie and bib I bought for DH the day we got our BFP!

What I miss: Feeling normal and energized.

What I am looking forward to: u/s on Thursday, telling our immediate families on Thursday and Friday, and spending the weekend with my in-laws before my first appt on Monday!!

Weekly Wisdom: If you’re DH wants to buy baby clothes w/ a specific sports team's logo, make sure he looks at the game schedule before he buys. If I left it up to my DH our LO would have all newborn clothes for the first month of life; however, football doesn't start until 4 months later!! His response... "oh. okay." :) Gotta love him!

The Sickness

2010-10-11T09:40:00.003-05:00

OMG. I can feel the vomiting coming on at any minute. I HATE throwing up – HATE IT!! I do remember distinctly though telling DH that “If we were lucky enough to finally get PG, I would be smiling through the vomiting and sickness!” I’m so grateful to be PG, but did I mention, I HATE throwing up!?!?

The nausea is annoying. It comes and goes. I no longer get hungry. I get nauseous. And who wants to eat when they feel like throwing up? I’m doing a few things to prevent/lessen the sickness:

1. Taking 50 mg of B6 in the morning and again at night. (Just started this.)
2. Drinking Ginger Ale
3. Wearing the Prima Bella bracelet.

The Prima Bella bracelet is really neat. You wear it on the underside of your wrist and it emits this little shock/pulse through the median nerve and travels to the emetic center in the brain, which then regulates the nausea signaling process between the brain and stomach restoring normal stomach rhythm and providing relief of nausea and vomiting (from their website). I’m not convinced that the bracelet works, but I definitely think it’s helping ease the nausea.

For now, I wait. I’m crossing my fingers I’m one of the lucky ones that never throws up! :::knocking on wood:::

My first OB appointment has been moved up to Monday, October 18th. I’ll be one day shy of 8 weeks. I’m hoping they do an ultrasound, because DH will be in attendance!

We have a baby and a heartbeat!!

2010-10-07T18:23:00.002-05:00

My workplace ultrasound was today and this week, thankfully, we saw a baby and a small flicker of a heartbeat!! I was so relieved after only seeing an empty black sac last week! We also saw the yolk sac and that was so comforting! My body is actually doing what it's supposed to! Who woulda known!?!?

We got 4 u/s pics and I even took a video for DH! It was so surreal. I couldn't believe how emotional DH was over the u/s!!

I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm now anxiously waiting for next Thursday!!

Oh, and again, I'm not getting caught up with the details - measurements and bpm. I know it's better this way! If something is wrong, I can't do anything about it, except add more stress to my all ready full plate! So today I saw my baby for the first time and I'm so thankful! I'm overjoyed!

6 weeks

2010-10-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

I made it to 6 weeks!!

The fear of miscarriage is not gone. I don’t think it ever will be, honestly. But I’m doing my best at thinking positive thoughts! Here are a few things that I say to myself on a daily basis:

“Today I am pregnant and I love this baby.” (Inspired by a fellow 1st Trimester bumpie on thebump.com)

“Thank you, Lord, for my baby. I pray it stays healthy and safe.”

There are a few others, but I can’t think of them at this moment.

The sickness is starting to creep in. I became nauseous/car sick on my way home from work yesterday. This wasn’t my first bout of nausea since our BFP; however, it did seem to be the worst so far, maybe even made worse, by some indigestion/heart burn caused by an icing filled cookie I ate. Oops! Then, I was awoken this morning at 4 am feeling like I was going to vomit at any moment. I hopped out of bed, ate 1 rice cake, and drank some Ginger Ale – all items I purchased this weekend at the grocery store (just like me to plan ahead.)! Unfortunately, it took me an hour to go back to sleep, but, thankfully, no vomiting this morning!

Other than that, my boobs are very sore. They do appear to be fuller. The cramping has definitely subsided for the most part. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced any extreme sleepiness this week. My body requires food every 2 – 2.5 hours. That’s gotta be good for something right!?

To answer your BETA questions – I haven’t gotten a BETA. The girls in my office wouldn’t let me. They know me too well. They said I would just stress over the numbers and doubling time and the urine test was sufficient. I would know very soon whether it was singleton, twins, etc….. and they were right, I did. If they saw anything that was suspicious they would think about getting a BETA (to rule out miscarriage), but for now, I’m pregnant and loving it!

Singleton!!

2010-10-01T20:06:00.003-05:00

I saw our bean yesterday! The girls scanned me at work and it seems like this will be a Thursday afternoon ritual!

Good news is we saw only one sac!! Bad news is we didn't see a yolk sac. :( After some googling and reading it seems like 5 weeks and 2 days is still too early to see a yolk sac, so I'm a little relieved, but of course, can't help but worry until I see our baby! I'll get another u/s next Thursday and (crossing fingers) we should see more and know more!

My first appointment is 10/22. I'll be 8 weeks and 3 days, so it should be the perfect time for hubby and I to get our first "official" u/s and see the heartbeat!

If I'm fortunate to see the heartbeat before the 15th, we will tell my in-laws while they are in town that weekend.

Symptoms are still the same. Actually, I had no symptoms today, but I've "heard" that's normal too! Some days you feel PG and some days you don't! :)

My appetite has been really weird lately. I'm not hungry in the mornings and last night I didn't even eat dinner AFTER I cooked it!! While I was cooking I was snacking on pita chips and hummus, but still... it was strange. I felt like I ate an entire cow!

Bedtime is about 9 - 9:30 pm!

I made it to 5 weeks and I'm grateful

2010-09-28T20:00:00.002-05:00

Nearly 2 years ago we attempted Clomid for the first time and I O'd on my first cycle. I didn't get PG that cycle, but I felt overly grateful to have O'd and I blogged about it. So I wanted to do something similar with this post.

I made it to 5 weeks, and while I realize I'm still extremely early in this pregnancy, and by no means "out of the woods", I'm still extremely grateful to be PG. Infertiles become familiar with every detail of fertility and we recognize how incredibly difficult it is to achieve pregnancy.

1. I'm grateful for having O pains on the day of O. They were different, but because I'm infertile and have been listening to my ovaries for years, I knew these sensations were different. Some women don't "feel" ovulation at all.
2. I'm grateful I had EWCM on the day of O. Some women have to drink massive amounts of water or take vitamins/supplements to have EWCM.
3. I'm grateful I O'd. It was only the second time in 3 years.
4. I'm incredibly grateful that DH's, as he calls them, "boys" were in shape and perfectly capable of fertilization!
4. I'm grateful the lining of my uterus was favorable for the implantation of a fertilized egg. Some women have to take additional hormones to increase the lining of their uterus.
5. I'm grateful my uterus/body has been able to sustain a pregnancy for approx. 2 weeks! Some women who experience recurrent miscarriage are perfectly capable of getting PG, but cannot sustain the pregnancy.
5. And lastly, I'm extremely grateful to have become PG on what I consider my second "chance" or my second cycle. This was only the 2nd cycle that yielded ovulation and I am blessed to have become PG! Some women have perfect 28 day cycles, O on CD14, BD, and do everything they're supposed to do, only to be disappointed by AF every month.

I know there will be more things that I'll be grateful for in the coming weeks, but for now, these are my "gratefuls".

Early Symptoms & Feelings

2010-09-26T21:32:00.003-05:00

The evening of our BFP and the day after I experienced mild cramps. Nothing horrible, but noticeable. I was a little relieved to feel the cramps, because I felt like "something" was happening. They weren't painful or extreme, by any means, so I wasn't too worried.

The day after our BFP I did have horrible gas, but haven't had that issue since.

On Friday, I didn't experience any symptoms at all, and I became very worried. I'm trying not to let everything little thing get to me, but it's so difficult. I fear miscarriage so bad. I know that if it happens it's nothing I can prevent.

The last couple of days the sleepiness has hit me in the afternoon. It's typically after I've been up and about doing things. So I've taken a cat nap each day, and that's totally not like me!

During the 2ww I was working out very hard. My weight loss journey was back under way and I was doing great! I haven't worked out since we found out we were PG. We went for a walk today and it felt great! I plan to decrease my intensity, but I'll continue the number of my workouts. I'm undecided on strength training.

How I told DH

2010-09-24T18:50:00.009-05:00

It worked out perfectly, because when I tested after work I was home alone and DH was still at school. As soon as I resumed normal breathing, I grabbed my car keys and drove over to campus to buy some gifts! The cashier put the items in a white bag that, thankfully, wasn't transparent one bit! So I threw it in the trunk and went to go pick up DH! It was such a hard car ride home! I wanted to smile so big, but I started to talk about work and didn't stop until we got home!

I opened the trunk, grabbed the bag and DH said "What's that?" I said, "Just some things... and a white bag!" When we made it inside, I opened the bag and handed him the gifts. He slowing unfolded the onesie, looked at me, and said "Are you shittin me?" I couldn't say yes. I started to cry and we hugged each other!

It was so surreal. I told him how scared I was. We've been waiting for this moment for 3 years!

The onesie says "Real Babies Wear Purple.....Texas Christian University" and the bib has TCU emblems all over it!

Here are my pee sticks!! I took two on the night of 16 dpo and 1 more and a digital on the morning of 17 dpo!

16 dpo

2010-09-22T20:03:00.003-05:00

So the spotting stopped on 7 dpo. I don't know what all of that spotting was about, but it made me extremely discouraged about this cycle.

I've been testing since 9 dpo and the girls at work knew I O'd so they've been begging for my urine since 6 dpo!! All BFNs, so I'm expecting AF any day.

Today's 16 dpo and yesterday's BFN was stark white, but it was an old IC. Something told me on my way home from work... "I have First Response at home and they are brand new, just take one". If it's BFN on 16 dpo with afternoon urine, then I know for sure either I didn't O or AF is knocking... so I did.

Thank you, Christy, for thinking about me!! I hope you read this soon! :D I know many of you have been thinking and praying, and you have no idea how gracious I am!!

Grateful to be in the 2ww

2010-09-13T10:01:00.003-05:00

I asked for a chance and I got it! I O'd and that's all I wanted! I saw lots of EWCM and felt lots and lots of O pains, so we BD'd and the next morning... temp increase!!

I wasn't convinced that I O'd until about 5 dpo when my temp when even higher and this morning it stayed there!!

I'm so grateful!

I've been having some really strange and weird symptoms though. I can't find anyone who has had similar symptoms, so I'm not really sure what's going on and what I can do about it.

First, I've had brown spotting since 1 dpo. I had a little bit of red/pinkish spotting on 2 dpo. I was so scared it was AF. But it went away and the brown spotting resumed and has been lingering ever since.

Then, on 3 dpo I woke up to nausea and vomiting. Strange. I don't know what to think of all of this spotting and the throwing up?!??

:::raising my bottle of water:::
So here's to O'ing for the first (or second) time in 3 years!!

About ready to give up on this cycle

2010-09-07T15:05:00.003-05:00

As of this morning I was about ready to give up. It’s CD18 and no sign of O. My temps have been all over the place and that’s so discouraging. I’ve been having the usual dull pains around both ovaries; however, yesterday and today I’ve started to notice some very different feelings. Instead of a constant pain I’m feeling very quick jolts of pain. Not too strong, just noticeable. I’m hoping this is a good sign that follicles are growing and not a cyst!!

I do have lots of EWCM today, so I’m grateful, but I’d really really like to see a temp shift for 2 weeks!!!

DH and I went to TCU’s season opener on Saturday. Football of course! Here’s a picture we took while tailgating!

Officially, overwhelmed.

2010-08-31T10:18:00.002-05:00

Back to school time always stresses me out. I’m reminded every day that it’s so expensive to go to college and in my household, there are TWO adults attending college. We had to buy DH a bike this weekend, so he can get to and from school during the week. That was $100 spent. Our textbooks were about $800 combined. School clothes for DH... school supplies... ugh. All while paying $650 a month to TCU for DH’s tuition – our OOP portion, not to mention the debt we’re going into from his student loans! Yes, I’m complaining, but I’m reminded that we’re doing this all for good reasons. Someday I’ll be sitting at the spa blowing hundreds of dollars, thinking about how much we sacrificed, and I’ll be proud. So for now, I just need to suck it up!!

Fall semester officially started yesterday. I have 3 classes this semester. I’m hoping I can handle 3 classes and, if so, I’ll continue to take 3 per semester. That’s the plan and we’re sticking to it! If and when I get PG we’ll reconstruct the plan for post-baby!

CD11 for me. Waiting to O, still. Temps look ok. This morning's temp was way low. I was colder than usual, so I guess I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings. I am having dull pains around my ovaries, so that’s good news, I hope! The Femara when down easy. I had a couple of headaches in the evenings, but other than that, nothing. Just waiting... Story of my life....

Achieving a goal

2010-08-23T16:30:00.001-05:00

Today was the first day of school for DH. It was his first day at Texas Christian University!! Wow. I’ve become to realize how great the man I married is; however, two years ago today I didn’t have any clue I’d be writing these words. DH set a goal to transfer to a university after 2 years at the county college and he achieved his goal today. DH amazes me with his accomplishments, and I hope I’m able to do the same for him in the future!

One thing that sure did put a damper on our joy for this day was the bus situation. We are a one car household and moving to our new apartment meant he would need to bike to the nearest bus stop and catch the city bus to the university. Before we considered our apartment complex, I specifically reviewed the bus system’s website and transit maps. I distinctly remember seeing a route that connects the street we live on to the street that goes towards the university. Well.... as of yesterday, I must have dreamt that because there is no such route. I was so aggravated with myself! We moved to this apt for one reason – the location in relation to the university …and the price of course! Well, this means we’ll be moving again in a year! HAH! We move every 12 – 18 months, so this should be no surprise!! And deep down I still want a house!

CD1

2010-08-21T20:40:00.004-05:00

AF arrived today and I'm ready to jump back on the roller coaster! I was so excited to see AF, I woke up DH from a nap!! He smiled really big and gave me a big kiss! Hehehe!

I can't believe AF arrived only 3 days after stopping the BC. Usually with Provera, it takes 6-7 days for AF to arrive! And when I was on BCP years ago, AF would arrive after 7 days of stopping the last hormone pill. I wonder what that means - that AF arrived so soon?

This cycle - Femara CD 3-7! No monitoring. :( Crossing my fingers!

I found this article this week and it gave DH and I a lot of new hope! It reads like it speaks directly to us and my PCOS.

CD 99

2010-08-18T10:21:00.001-05:00

I haven’t had a cycle this long in over 2 years. Scary.

I did have a NuvaRing, so I inserted it a couple of weeks ago. I’m hoping to “reset” my cycle and get AF to arrive. DH and I have gone back and forth with our decision to “actively” TTC or to “naturally” TTC. As of late, we’ve sat closer to the “actively”. We’ll try Femara with our next cycle. I’m hoping Metformin and Femara is my miracle combination. I’m hoping to O and to be given “my chance” to conceive.

We’ll see.

I’ve kept up with my work outs. Still working on the eating part. Dinner gets me every time. Especially when DH and I go out to dinner. With school starting next week I’m hoping the “going out” to dinner becomes impossible and I’m forced to eat at home.

Blah

2010-08-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

I haven’t been in much of a mood to blog lately. Maybe it’s because there’s really not much going on. I think this is the calm before the storm as school starts for DH in a couple of weeks and for me in 3 weeks. We’re trying to enjoy our free time as much as we can, but we’re both a little fearful about what’s about to hit us.
This will be DH’s first semester at a University and I don’t know about him, but I fear the unknown for him. Is it going to be a lot harder for him? Will he be able to adjust quickly to that way of life?

I’m taking 3 classes this fall and I’m fearful for that too. I don’t think I’ve ever taken 3 college courses at one time in my entire life. And one of them is a science, so I have lecture and lab. Ugh. I’m doing this for all the right reasons, right?!
I’m still waiting for AF to arrive. So there’s not much going on there.

I’ve gotten back to the gym! I actually got a membership at the hospital where I work. $25 a month – you can’t beat that! One of my coworkers is planning on getting married in a year so she’s super motivated to lose weight. We’ve been hitting the gym together on our lunch breaks! Hopefully I can drop some pounds soon!

I’m still trying to eat well, but unfortunately, I haven’t found any self-discipline.

Post Birthday Feelings

2010-07-19T14:42:00.000-05:00

I love having my blog to write my feelings. When I feel a certain way and can’t express it into words or share it using words quite the way I want to, I blog. I love it.

So this past weekend was my 28th birthday. A very good friend from Florida drove all the way to Texas to see me for my birthday. I knew it was going to be a fantastic weekend, but I had no idea how I would be feeling this morning.

I woke up at 5 am to say my goodbyes and it was very hard to go back to sleep thinking about all of the great moments over the weekend. I headed off to work this morning and it hit me when I saw his car was gone from where he had parked the night before. I was off to work and the fun was over.

I started to think about all of the events and celebrations that took place this weekend (dinner, dancing, lake, and casino!) and all of the people who surrounded me - a few family members, but mostly friends. Friends who celebrated with me multiple days and some all three days! It was amazing. I felt so loved! But this morning, I was feeling so incredibly grateful.

I’ve had friendships in the past that went sour. In most cases, I always regretted it. I always wished that I had done something different to be able to have that friendship again.

When we moved 200 miles from the place we called home for most of our lives, it hit me super hard when I didn’t have my friends to hang with on the weekends. My husband and I grew closer and I’m very grateful for that, but my friends were missing. We’ve been here 3 years and my circle of friends has grown! I was tearful this morning as I was forced to return to reality (a.k.a. WORK) with such happy memories of this birthday weekend.

It was probably the best birthday weekend ever and what makes it even better is knowing that July 2010 will probably be one I never forget…. in laws will be here this weekend, my best friends are getting married, and we’re all moved in and happy as can be!

Blah

2010-06-29T10:28:00.002-05:00

I’ve been pretty BLAH lately. The end of the summer semester is coming to an end and I’m soooo ready for school to be done with until late August! It is so difficult to work 8 hours then head to school for another 2 hours. It’s not the actual work and school that kill me; it’s the everything in between – no time to cook, no time to meal plan, no time to grocery shop, no time to eat healthy, no time for anything. Ugh. I guess this is what they call “burn out”.

I have two speeches to give in the last two weeks of school AND we’re moving this weekend. It just sucks.

The business has started to show signs of slowing down. It never fully recovered from last year’s downfall. Which DH and I were ok with. We were expecting this. I’m just fearful about this fall and if it’s going to be worse than last year. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it very well could.

I’m still taking the Metformin. Today is my first day of 1500mg (500 mg three times a day). I haven’t had any major issues thus far. It does make me a little nauseous sometimes, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m on CD49. Yes, I’m late, but I’ve been temping off and on and there is no clear sign of O. AF will probably arrive any day now.

So far...

2010-06-21T10:30:00.002-05:00

I’m on day 3 of 7 at 500mg. So far I have no major complaints. I’ve been having some pretty strong stomach pains/cramps right before I have a BM, but that’s about it. I’ve also been having a lot of heartburn. I don’t know if that’s attributed to the Met.

The Yo-Yo dieter/exerciser that I am will start Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet (SBD) today. It’s probably the ONLY diet I’ve never tried. I became compelled to give it a try when I read that Dr. Agatsto, the creator of the SBD, actually aimed to repair Insulin Resistance (my condition) with his diet. He teaches the dieter to choose good fats and good carbs. In the first phase (first 2 weeks), I will go without breads and starches, no dairy (unless low fat or fat free), and no fruit, sweets, baked goods, etc (SUGAR!). The only area that I will struggle is the bread!!

So far today I’ve made some minor changes. I always have a cup of coffee in the morning, but today instead of my typical sugar loaded hazelnut coffee creamer, I tried Spendas No Calorie Hazelnut Sweetner. It’s ok. Honestly, it tastes like the Soy Hazelnut Coffee Creamer that I usually buy from Whole Foods. I give both 6 out of 10 stars. I may try to add a squirt of skim milk tomorrow and see if that helps.

If I can lose weight and kick my PCOS and IR in the behind, I’d be a very happy woman!

Finally..... METFORMIN!!!!

2010-06-17T11:31:00.001-05:00

Well, it took nearly one whole month, but finally I have my hands are METFORMIN!!!

My 3 hour Glucose results came back abnormal, which oddly enough is what I was hoping! My glucose levels were fine; however, my insulin was not. So they diagnosed me as Insulin Resistant. Thankfully, I have educated myself on these findings and I wasn't freaked out at all by the news. Unlike, my mother who said "You have Type 2 Diabetes!!" She's an RN and educates diabetics who have Type 2 Diabetes! Whatever, Mom. This time you're wrong. The nurse reassured me I do not have Type 2 Diabetes. I could get it in the future and/or when I become pregnant, so I have to take all of this seriously!

I will take 500 mg for one week, then 1000 mg for a week, and then finally 1500 mg for the 3rd week and every day thereafter. I've been reading a lot about the side effects from my fellow PCOS'ers and honestly, I'm a little scared about the stomach issues. It seems I'll need to take with a meal, with plenty of water, and at dinner for my first week. Some have major issues when consuming alcohol. I shouldn't be drinking anyways, so I'll cut my alcohol intake and stick to a glass of wine with dinner for special dinner dates, etc. We'll see...

I'm really excited to see how it helps me! I've heard many success stories and I've heard "Metformin did nothing" for me. Crossing my fingers.

FertilAid

2010-06-03T16:34:00.001-05:00

So I missed my 3 hour glucose test on the 22nd. I was out with friends having a grand ole' time the Friday night prior to the test. I was ordered to eat or drink nothing after midnight. At midnight I had a beer in hand, and after midnight I had another one. I have NO self discipline what.so.ever.

I rescheduled the test to this following Saturday and I'm happy to say I made it to that appointment!! Hoping to get some results soon!!! I'm actually hoping my insulin levels were elevated, so I get the clearance to take Metformin. I actually accidentally ate two breath mints on the way to my appointment. Oops!! I wonder if it messed with the results at all.

As of Monday, I've started taking a new supplement called, FertilAid. I've read mixed reviews on it. Many of the positive reviews I've read state ovulation was restored, so I was sold immediately! Some of the negative reviews state it messed up their cycles completely. I don't think mine can mess up any further, but I'll keep an eye on changes.

I'm excited and feel a little more hopeful!! At this point, I just want to restore ovulation! That's all I'm asking for! Next, will be keeping ovulation regular, then we'll move onto trying for that BFP (maybe!?) .... :D

Summer semester started on Tuesday, so my life is hectic.....again!

Pain, Fed Up, and 3 Hr Glucose

2010-05-21T10:55:00.002-05:00

********* TMI WARNING ***********

I almost died yesterday. I was experiencing the WORST, most awful cramps of my entire life! I was really scared that it might be a ruptured cyst, but it was constant pain for over 2 hours rather than quick sudden pain, so I tried not to worry too much.

As of today, I've been bleeding for 9 days. This has been a strange period. Last cycle was 60 days, when "average" for me is about 40 days. So I was ok, when I kept bleeding after 4 or 5 days. But then yesterday, I started experiencing this intense pain. I was confused because I had not been bleeding very heavy. What in the world could this be?

I work steps from the ER, so I decided to go to work, tough it out, and go to the ER if it got worse. The girls in the office didn't seem too alarmed. They made me take a PG test. Of course, it was negative. Then they did a scan of my uterus. Of course, nothing there. I didn't see any dark black, like cysts, so I was a little relieved, but still in TONS of pain.

Eventually, it got a little better. Then went home for the day and BAM the largest blood clot I've ever seen. UGH. I'm ok with blood and guts, for the most part, but this was gross.

I don't know why I'm having this long horrible period, but in a way I'm grateful I got my period naturally. I'm pretty fed up with being baby-less. I'm ready to do whatever it takes. I'm actually considering injectables w/ IUI, but I'm afraid I may regret the expense. Does that sound horrible? Like how can you put a price on being a mother, but for me, we're just going through a lot of financial changes right now with DH going to TCU and putting myself through school. I don't know. I guess I need to think about it more.

Good news is that I'm doing a 3 hour Glucose Test tomorrow. If my insulin levels are high, they are going to put me on Metformin - YAY!!!!! Finally, I have hope again. I don't know if Met will allow me to O on my own, but it's possible! If anything, it may allow me to respond to Clomid.

The last 48 hours...

2010-05-18T16:35:00.002-05:00

You know, I totally thought I had hit the ultimate maximum stress level last year when my company went downward and it seemed like every wall was caving in on us. Well... I've learned things can quickly change and I should always remember things CAN get worse.

On Saturday, after submitting our application on an apartment, we found out that they were unable to approve us, because "they do not accept felonies." I immediately stopped in my tracks (I was in the middle of JCPenneys, by the way.) and said "WHAT!?!? We don't have any felonies!!!" I was totally and absolutely bewildered. Apparently, DH had a THEFT charge on his criminal record!! OH MY GOD.

I could not concentrate on shopping. We left the store and the ride home was totally silent. We both jumped on the internet and tried to find out as much info as we could. Unfortunately, the city and the county were closed until Monday. By searching online, we found some information, but of course, nothing to answer our many many questions. If anything we had more questions now.

Who made this awful mistake? Will we need to hire a lawyer? Will this require a long trial to prove wrong? Should we hire a lawyer, before we even make one phone call? Who should we hire? And how will we pay for an attorney? Has someone been charged in this crime? If not, will they arrest DH if he goes personally down to the police station to get this cleared up? ......get my drift?

Needless to say, we had a horrible weekend.

DH spent most of his Monday trying to get to the bottom of this. Apparently, someone used his name, date of birth, most of his address, and drivers license number to get a job in a neighboring county. In a county we've never lived in and in a city we've never heard of! Then, this man stole from the company and because he had used DH's info to obtain the job, DH was charged for the crime! After many phone conversations and a 2 hour road trip to this town, he was able to get everything cleared up! The warrant was pulled and my Dear Husband is no longer a wanted felon. Could anything else go wrong? What's next?!?!

Change

2010-05-11T10:03:00.001-05:00

Finals are over!! I lived through my first college semester since "my voluntary leave" ...... um, 8 years ago or so! I'm very proud of myself for going back to college, taking it seriously and establishing goals. My official grades won't be posted until Friday, but I'm 100% positive that I got an A in Comp I - a 97 to be exact - toot toot!! In order to get an A in College Algebra I needed to make an A on the final. Eeeeck! So I won't know what that grade is until Friday. Ugh.

After learning Ultrasound Tech school was only taught during the daytime hours, I went with my Plan B, which is Radiology Tech, ... but then I learned the schedule is also during the day. UGH!! So I've decided to just go for my Bachelors Degree in Biology. You can't go wrong with having your bachelors and I can use the few college credits I obtained 8 years ago towards it! And I've heard from my colleagues you can *always* find a job in healthcare industry with a degree in Biology. Yay - SOLD!!

DH will be attending TCU in the fall, so we've been focusing on housing and where we'll be moving soon! With only one vehicle, it is absolutely necessary we live within walking/biking/busing distance. The search is not going well. We pay $600 in rent today for a 2/2 apartment. We know we got a good deal, but we wanted to find a rental home in the area for around $800-$950/month. We didn't realize how hard that was going to be. After stressing about it, we've finally decided we need to stay in an apartment and pay the least amount of money possible. When we had to move from our beautiful rental house and back into an apartment because we couldn't afford to pay the $1200 monthly payment, it was a huge wake up call for us. We didn't prepare for what could happen - the business under performing, unexpected financial expenses, etc. etc. We just wore the blindfold like it was trendy!

We WANT a house, but we NEED to pay off our debt! We know this, but we still continue to allow our "wants" to overwhelm our "needs". And if we rent a house and get the greatest gift of all (a BFP), then I don't want to be put in the exact situation we were in - can't afford the rent, move into a small apartment. I don't want that to happen.

So we're going to look at apartments on Friday and I'm actually pretty excited about it!

Sensitive

2010-04-26T16:15:00.001-05:00

I am an infertile who works for an OB/GYN. My daily tasks and responsibilities rarely trigger my own infertile emotions, until recently. I don't know why or what has changed, but lately I've been thinking about being infertile very often!

I actually do think I know what it is... a baby shower invitation. My friend, T, is having her 4th daughter in June and the shower is planned for mid-May. I won't be attending; however, I have been shopping for baby girl items and it's so fun! I kept finding some really neat items that made me say in my head "I'll definitely have to buy that when I get PG!" or "My daughter will definitely have a pair of those shoes!" Then I ask myself, "when will it be my turn to be PG?" and "will I ever have my own daughter to buy for?". I've resorted to saying aloud "I can't have children." when people ask when we're going to get PG. It's amazing that I'm comfortable with my PCOS and I've allowed myself to accept that at this time, I can't have children, but it hurts extremely to say those words.

At work, as I was screening an OB patient, I asked "When are you due?", her answer was "I don't know. I know it was sometime in March, because I quit taking my birth control and this was the first month we tried!!" WOW. Really? I wanted to scream at her - "Do you realize how blessed you are?", but I refrained.

I've been crying a lot more than normal. I'm not depressed (yet), just wondering if I'll ever get my chance. Notice I say "IF" now, and not "when".

4 pounds down...

2010-04-15T09:16:00.001-05:00

Since meeting Abby (our meeting being one of my greatest inspirations at the point), I've lost 4 pounds!! This is big! Yes.... I know, it may be "water weight" or whatever, but to me it's still 4 pounds.... gone! I feel better and believe or not, I feel slimmer.... already! Maybe it's all in my head... like many other things.

What am I doing? I'm eating Abby Style - no butter, no oil - on anything! I'm limiting my carbs, especially with white bread or other white products. I'm eating lots of veggies and fruits. Eating organic whenever possible! I've stopped drinking (for the most part) until my birthday! And started my workout regimen. It's all things I know how to do. I've done them all before. I know what works for me. I just need to STICK TO IT!

One important thing this time is I'm not going to cut myself off from anything. One thing I learned from spending an evening with Abby is that you can "treat" yourself. She was drinking alcohol AND eating foods at a Mexican Restaurant. She made good choices, but she didn't push away anything at all. She knew she didn't need a bowl of queso, but when it was ordered and offered to her, she couldn't resist. She pulled out one small chip, took a small scoop and savored it! And that was it! She ate chicken fajitas (no oil, no butter) with corn tortillas. She mentioned that the two days prior she ran/walked 8 miles total because she knew she was not going to be eating "smart" the next day and she mentioned she'd be doing the same tomorrow!

As I struggled to run yesterday, I thought about Abby many many times! I kept seeing her in my mind as the "old" Abby and knowing that she felt this same way when she started her journey. It probably sucked and she probably wanted to stop and walk, but I kept pushing, because I know that's what she did, and if she was here she'd push me to keep going. I also kept thinking about my ovulation issues. If my body learns to ovulate on it's own, as a result of this, wow, what a reward that would be! I may feel like I won the lottery! And lastly, the feeling to finally conceive, the ultimate gift of all, .... I kept running.

From 189.5 to 185.5.

Admiration

2010-04-07T10:21:00.005-05:00

I met a very inspiring woman Monday night! Her name is Abby Rike and if you’re a huge fan of the Biggest Loser series, her name should definitely ring a bell! She’s actually the sister of one of my brother in law’s friends and DH and I had the honor of hanging out with her last night! She’s an amazing amazing woman!!

If you’re unfamiliar with her story, I’ll give you a very brief summary....

In 2007, she lost her husband, her 5 year old daughter, and her 2 week old newborn son in a head on collision. She turned to food for comfort and became overweight. When she started the show last season, she was 247 and lost a total of 100 pounds!!

I asked her many questions, but I tried not to smother her! I was definitely star struck! It was refreshing to know that she was a genuine sweet and kind woman. Her star status hasn’t gotten the best of her. She actually laughs it off in many cases!

Meeting her was the greatest motivation to get my butt in gear! I make tons of excuses why I “can’t” make working out and eating healthy a priority. I need to learn to fit it into my busy schedule. It’s going to be extremely hard, but I need to do this. I’ve been saying “I need to do this.” for so long. I think it’s time (actually very overdue) I do something about it! I'm finally ready. And I'm gonna do this!!

Husbandless

2010-04-02T15:59:00.001-05:00

DH flew to Tempe today to visit ASU. I’ve received a few text messages, but no full reports. I do know he was going to have a very busy day today. I’m really excited for him, but he knows my heart will remain in Texas!

I actually told him not to go last night! We found out last night that he’s getting a total of $15K in grants and scholarship! Yahooooo! With student loans, we will only need to pay a couple thousand dollars out of pocket for his first year. We do not know if all of the grants and scholarships are renewable, so we still need to get the details on that! TCU is looking to be DH’s top choice at this point, but he still wanted to visit ASU as it’s a potential top contender for grad school down the road.

TTC hasn’t been on our radar lately. Unfortunately, it’s taken a back seat to everything. Once everything settles down AND the weight I’m carrying comes off, we’ll probably rejoin the TTC club. Until then, we’re making some life changes with the way we eat, what we buy and, of course, our education! All is good! I think back about when I was extremely stressed and I’m content knowing we’ve made some drastic but fantastic changes and we’ll receive what we want soon!

My life as I knew it forever changed

2010-03-25T15:45:00.008-05:00

I hate making a choice or decision as a result of something I witnessed on TV, on the news, or a movie. In this case, it was a documentary that changed my life. It wasn’t solely the documentary. I have always walked through life and crossed paths with “small mentions” of what the documentary focused on and I’ve already implemented small changes into my life that affected my daily habits; however, the documentary, Food Inc., was the last, not so subtle, mention that finally made me take the huge jump to change the rest of my life.

I hope this blog isn’t “preachy”. I hope to never ever preach what I now believe. I hope to never come across as “I eat better than you. Why don’t you eat like me!?” I’m still learning and I’m very very much a newbie at this, but I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m researching, reading, and asking questions. One day I hope to be able to answer questions confidentially and accurately.

Here’s only a tiny bit of what I’ve learned. These statements are what I wish I had known years ago...

- approximately 75% of all processed food contain GMOs (genetically modified organisms). A GMO example, the genes from an arctic flounder, which has “antifreeze” properties may be spliced into a tomato to prevent frost damage. (From Saynotogmos.org). In the US, there are no laws requiring foods and products containing GMOs to be labeled. The effect of GMOs in humans have not been thoroughly tested. Animal feeding studies have resulted in pre-cancerous cell growth, damaged immune systems, smaller brains, livers, and testicles, partial atrophy or increased density of the liver, odd shaped cell nuclei and other unexplained anomalies, false pregnancies and higher death rates.(From NonGMOShoppingGuide) It’s a completely different story in Europe where more vigorous testing has been performed. Most of Europe is GMO-Free. Why aren’t we!?!?

- At “processing” plants and slaughters, pigs are being “herded” by machines, suffocated, and then “processed”. The disgusting sound of high pitched shrieking before being suffocated will never leave my memory.

- Cows are grass-fed animals; however, in the US, farmers are feeding these animals corn filled with supplements, antibiotics, and growth hormones. The vision of live fearful cows being moved around by a fork lift, because the cow can no longer stand on its own legs (due to the weight of its own body) will also never leave my memory for as long as I live. It’s inhumane and all for MONEY! more information on beef

- It’s the same story with chickens. They are raised in large farm houses. They never see the light of the sun. They are not allowed to roam free. Only allowed to grow while being packed one on top of another. They walk in each others feces and on top of other dead carcasses that have died because they too cannot walk because of the weight put on their joints. It’s inhumane and again, all for the most MONEY!

I was slowly killing myself and my family. My life has changed. I will no longer support disrespect to animals and GMOs (until it is more thoroughly tested in humans). I will eat Organic whenever possible. I will nourish my body. And I will teach my children the same.

Here are a couple of articles written involving our children and our fertility: GMOs linked to Infertility | Avoiding GMOs in Your Baby's Food Source

And more: GMOs Linked to Organ Failure

The Bright Side - “only” 35 days

2010-03-15T09:18:00.003-05:00

It’s become a little old, I suppose, to complain about not O’ing or no BFP, so I’m looking at the bright side of things.... this cycle was only 35 days long. Pretty good, eh!? Last year at this time, I would have been amongst my 150 day cycle. Then, I saw “regularity” in 40 days. Now, 35 days. Pretty Cool.

My stress level has risen almost back to the level it was a few months ago. Dh’s transfer decision is really really stressing me out. I work for a very very caring doctor who is very aware of dh’s transfer opportunities. Last week he blatantly asked me, “So has he made a decision yet!?” My answer turned into two solid days of “college decision” conversation. I got no work done! Ugh.

I need to be confident dh will make the right decision for all of the right reasons. I would love to stay in Texas for another couple of years; however, it’s not entirely my decision. If moving somewhere else so he can get a better education is realistic financially, then why not move!? It’s just such a big decision. The idea was so easy to fantasize about; however, now that I know he’s been accepted to now TWO out of state colleges (Yes, University of Pittsburgh says accepted too!) and we could very well be moving.... it’s freaking me out.

Is it the right decision? Will I be able to find a job? Will I like my job? Will we be able to find an affordable place to live? Will dh get the best education wherever he chooses? Will we be happy?

It’s very overwhelming.

Busy, but very Bad Blogger of me.

2010-03-09T14:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, I’ve been a bad bad blogger. Next week would have been one month since my last blog post...eeecckkkk!

I realize I’ve been pretty boring lately. School is keeping me very busy and I haven’t had much time to myself. That’s ok though, it’s all for a good reason!

As of today, I’m extremely motivated to stay in school and graduate! Of course, it helps that I’m doing really well so far. Last weekend I learned that I got the highest test grade in my college algebra class!! Toot toot! And my second essay for English was another A! Toot toot! So I’m saying to myself: “Wow! I can really do this!”

And of course having a genius for a husband is also a great motivator! He learned last week that he was accepted to Arizona State University! He’s planning on visiting the campus early April!!

I’m 100% positive I did not O this cycle. What else is new right? So the Soy did not work. Again … what else is new? Dh and I are both trying to eat well and workout. We’ve started working out at school and may start going for a run in the mornings! I’m really trying this time, so in time, we’ll see how much I’m able to lose and if my cycles will be affected in any way… It’s a waiting game again, I suppose. And quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of waiting, but I only have myself to blame.

AF hasn’t shown, but I think she may be knocking. I’m on CD35-ish. Which is normal for me, of course.

a turn, a fork in the road, ... more uncertainty

2010-02-18T16:07:00.001-06:00

I should be more of a follower. I need to learn how to be a follower rather than a leader. I told dh that he wasn’t allowed to go to school out of state, because of MY (new) job. How dare I? What gives me the power to say that? A month ago I would have said for financial reasons, but really how much money are we really talking here? Not enough to sacrifice his education.

I don’t know what came over me today. I was sitting at work and thought “Are we making the right decision by staying here in Texas?” TCU is a great school, but is it the best? He deserves the best. WE deserve the best. After a few minutes, I tried to brush off the thought and say “Yes, of course. We’re making the right decision and we’re VERY happy with it.” I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Almost like my brain was talking, but my heart was screaming louder.

After a short gmail chat session, dh told me he’s happy going to TCU, but will be happier going to an out of state school. So here we go - back on the roller coaster…

He’ll be sending out more applications by the end of the week!

My 1st English Paper

2010-02-08T17:56:00.004-06:00

...and I got an A! 95/100 to be exact! I'm really proud of myself, because English is NOT my strong point. I'm taking it online, so I have no excuse to NOT go to class - hah!

So our first paper was to be written about something we strongly believed in. There were many more requirements, but I won't bore you. I titled it "The Gift". It's funny because a few posts ago, my blog was titled "The Gift". It's a little different in my paper - more personal.

I'll let you read it here:

The Gift
Where did you come from? How were you created? If you believe in a higher power, you may mention God in your answer. Or you may say your mother gave birth to you. We rarely think beyond our births, probably due to the horrid idea that our parents participated in that activity called sexual intercourse, but what if we keep thinking? How did your feet land on this earth? What did your mother do prior to the activity that was such an integral part of your creation? She ovulated. For females, second to becoming a mother, I believe ovulation is the greatest gift. Yes – the ability for an ovary to release an egg.

Working in the industry of Obstetrics and Gynecology I see countless young women, often teenagers and barely twenty-somethings with perfectly plump bellies, come into our office to be treated for their unplanned pregnancies. They are all unable to pay for their prenatal care and future deliveries, so most of them are on government assistance. Also, these young women rarely have the fathers by their side. Amongst so much negativity, with the exception of the beautiful life growing inside them, I often wonder if these young women know they have the gift.

Or the women who are trying to conceive with the aid of fertility treatments. Their faces cringe when they learn they will be required to swallow large pills and inject their own abdomens with fertility drugs daily. Then, two weeks after ovulation, tears roll down their faces as a pink negative sign appears on the piece of plastic they just urinated on. But, do they know they have the gift?

I realize there are women who have gone through intense labor pains to deliver their dead infants who unexpectedly passed inside their womb. I acknowledge there are women who have become pregnant, almost as many times as they possess fingers, only to experience a miscarriage a few weeks later. I recognize all of that and pray for those women daily; however, I still wonder; do they realize they have the gift?

Roughly twelve times a year, all fertile females produce the gift, often having no idea at all, going on with normal facets of life. We all exist today, because our mothers had the gift. I do not have the gift. I yearn for the gift, for the chance to someday obtain the ultimate gift of all – to be a mom.

The acceptance is in

2010-02-07T12:42:00.003-06:00

We’ve been talking about this moment for the past 2 years. We’ve wished and hoped it would come and here it is.

TCU (Texas Christian University) says “Accepted”! This acceptance followed 2 others – University of North Texas and the University of Texas at Arlington, but dh’s heart was set on the purple!

I am so incredibly proud of him. I couldn’t quite express how I felt yesterday, but it’s extreme proud with a lot of admiration mixed in. I’ve returned to college and I’m confident I can achieve my goal this second time around. I’ve witnessed his passion and drive and it’s unlike no other.

Our next hurdle is affording it. We will need to rely heavily on scholarships and financial aid. I’m not stressed out about it (yet). I’m positive whatever it costs will be worth it in the end.

In TTC news, AF arrived 4 days ago. I’m not positive I ovulated last cycle. My guess is no, so I’m grateful my cycle was only 35 days! Dh would like to try Soy Iso (the herbal equivalent of Clomid), so I took my first dose last night before bed. Of course, we’re not being monitored, so I’ll need to be careful and constantly tune into what I’m feeling in fear of developing a cyst.

Personal Essay

2010-01-30T16:52:00.003-06:00

My current assignment is a personal essay. We have to write about something we believe. It was extremely difficult to figure out what my topic would be, but I think I've got it hammered down - stay tuned! In the meantime, I just had to share this essay with all of my fellow infertiles and those of you who are going through or gone through adoption. Enjoy!

Click here for the audio version.

Becoming a Parent is a Gift

I no longer believe my wife and I are going to have a baby the old-fashioned way, but I no longer think this really matters. I believe in adoption now. Four months ago, the Chinese government accepted our dossier. In the next year or two, a little girl will be born and her parents will not want her. My wife and I will fly to China to meet this girl and bring her home with us.

When I was a teenager, everyone said becoming a parent was easy — so easy, I had to be careful not to do it accidentally. I guess it’s easy for a lot of other people, but not for me and my wife.

I’m 39. My wife is 31. For the last two years, I’ve watched this woman I love inject herself with needles full of hormone syrup. She got huge bruises on each side of her waist.

Our friends would bring their kids over to visit and we’d hang up their tiny coats, hoping some magic would rub off on our hands. When it didn’t, we started avoiding any place we’d see the one thing we wanted so desperately. Our own neighborhood became awkward. The woman across the street emerged in the spring with a giant belly. My wife and I stopped going to parks and matinees. Taking our clothes off became a medical procedure; we obeyed the calendar instead of each other’s eyes. I’d see young couples pushing strollers in the grocery store and I’d taste jealousy like pennies in my mouth. I used to believe that becoming a parent was part of our biology. It was something everyone could do. When I couldn’t make a baby, I felt a little less human.

I teach in a prison, a medium-security facility full of men. I help guys write letters when they ask. Most of the letters are to girlfriends and ex-wives. I don’t see long letters to children. I feel lost opportunity all around me. I can see that becoming a parent is much more than our biology.

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you. Now, I want my family to include a little girl who looks nothing like me or my wife. Someday I’ll lean across a table and cut this little girl’s green beans. I’ll meet her teachers. I’ll see her bicycle standing in the garage. I love the idea that this girl will grow up to be a woman and still look nothing like me, but whenever she hears the word “dad,” she’ll think of me.

People think we’re good or generous because we’re giving a home to an orphan, and giving her a family but the truth is she’ll be giving us a family. I believe in adoption because it will make me the man I want to be: a father.

Chris Huntington - Indianapolis, Indiana
As heard on NPR’s npr.org, June 17, 2007

Wow. Really? My chart.

2010-01-28T20:37:00.004-06:00

Take a look at my chart. I'm not sure it's ever looked this good. I did nothing this cycle. Just relaxed, stress free (for the most part) and trying to do my best at enjoying life.

It looks impressive. I've been deceived many times in the past and it's hard to say the words "I Ovulated." So I'm taking it day by day. When will I be convinced? I dunno.

Dh is excited though. It's great to feel like we may have A CHANCE this cycle. I've never felt like I had "a chance" due to being annov.

School & Prayers

2010-01-19T18:57:00.003-06:00

I started school today - college. Wow. I haven't been in college in 8 years! I've been dreading it, because "available time" is non-existent at the moment; however, today (of all days) I was actually giddy about it! I actually considered putting blogging off till tomorrow just so that I could do my school work, even though it's not even due till Monday! Hah! This is going to be a very interesting time in my life.

Prayers - It absolutely amazes me that people pray for dh and I and our journey of dealing with infertility. I am just so surprised to hear that someone prays for us daily. Wow. Picture my jaw hitting the ground ...and unable to pick it up. That's me.

If you pray for me, thank you!

Talking again.

2010-01-14T18:39:00.002-06:00

If you walk down the hall at my office, you'll hear the most beautiful sound - a baby's heartbeat. Sometimes I have to make my legs keep walking because I want to stop and listen.

I really haven't wanted to bring it up, really, with everything going on. But I can't ignore "that feeling". I hate calling it "Baby Fever". Sounds so childish. So we're talking about it again.

I want to actively TTC, but I really should try to lose some weight, but I have absolutely no discipline whatsoever. I make excuses and don't try 100%. I just want it to happen on it's own. I don't want to have to work at it. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I don't know what it's gonna take - not getting a BFP - getting my ass into gear and realizing that this won't just happen on it's own. I NEED to make some changes for my health and my child's health. What is it gonna take, really? I dunno.

Sometimes I feel so motivated, then something happens and I fall. I don't know what it's gonna take to get back up... but I'm gonna try to figure it out.

The Gift

2010-01-08T17:47:00.002-06:00

I've been a BAD blogger, I know. It's only representative of how life is going for me right now! I'm working 8 hour days again, then coming home and trying to spend another hour or two on my company, then dinner, then spending time with hubby, ... ugh. My days are officially overloaded!

Dh has taken over running my company! Thankfully, we're picking up and I'm so relieved! I will not quit my job, because I LOVE it. I love my company, but I'm really really loving what I "used to do" again. Although, today I came home irate. It wasn't anything having to do with my job. It was a patient.

Said patient delivered by c-section 4 weeks ago. For pain management she was prescribed pain meds. She has asked for the pain meds to be refilled TWICE in 4 weeks! Today she called to tell us that she was in the ER and they said she had a major pelvic infection. She came in to see the doctor today and asked for more drugs. The doctor told her he suspected abuse and he was not going to prescribe any more pain meds. He told her that if she was in that much pain, she need to be admitted to the hospital.

We saw her at the end of the day, so I won't know if she actually admitted herself into the hospital, but how can people like this exist? It just makes me so mad!!

She has no idea that being a mother is a gift! A gift that some people never ever receive, when it's the only thing they ever want.

To top it off, her first baby was born with some deformities. She gave that baby up for adoption. When she got PG with this baby, she said she'd do the same if it was born with deformities. UGH! I wanted to scream and cry!

The Uncertainty

2009-12-22T19:44:00.003-06:00

I told DH this week that I'm actually content with our future being so uncertain. There are so many decisions we're going to have to make in the next couple of years. The biggest - where DH will decide to go to school. We've always expected that we'd be moving out of Texas; however, ever since I entered back onto the workforce, I've expressed my concerns with moving and leaving this opportunity behind. One of the fabulous qualities about my DH is that he's so understanding and even when it's not necessary, he puts my needs in front of his. I love him.

So the future is uncertain. We're living life day by day. All I can wish is that we are able to focus at the objective at hand and not allow our "wants" or "desires" to cloud our necessities.

DH will be sending off his college applications in the next couple of weeks....

It's also uncertain if we'll ever be able to start the family we so desperately desire. It's uncertain if we should right now considering all we're going through.

I've been charting and my temp has been high, so I may have O'd but I'm positive we didn't BD around the right time if I did O.

I'm no longer participating in the clinical research study in Chicago. I'm unable to travel to Chicago with my new job, so unfortunately I had to withdraw. I'm really bummed about it, because I thoroughly enjoyed Chicago (Michigan Ave to be exact!) and I looked forward to attributing to the study of PCOS. If you have PCOS, PLEASE consider participating in this study and attributing to the study and, hopefully, the ability to find a cure for this horrible syndrome!! All expenses are PAID and you get paid nearly $1K just for participating!!!

So things are uncertain... and I'm looking forward to making some major life altering decisions in 2010!